Cardinals versus Redskins: Tale of the Tape
Note: This column appears in the 10/18 issue of the Glendale Star, and the 10/19 issue of the Peoria Times
The Arizona Cardinals travel to Washington this week to face a surprising Washington Redskins team. The surprise is that they’re decent, though the same could be said of the Cards. Anyhoo, in leu of stringing together moderately coherent sentences, I’ve instead decided to do a “Tale of the Tape” featuring random words and choppy phrases that make no sense to anyone who is unfamiliar with either team. This is where my lack of a journalism degree really comes in handy! Hi mom!
Either way, this team needs a fight song. Stat. And a quarterback. That would also help.
The Arizona Cardinals travel to Washington this week to face a surprising Washington Redskins team. The surprise is that they’re decent, though the same could be said of the Cards. Anyhoo, in leu of stringing together moderately coherent sentences, I’ve instead decided to do a “Tale of the Tape” featuring random words and choppy phrases that make no sense to anyone who is unfamiliar with either team. This is where my lack of a journalism degree really comes in handy! Hi mom!
Arizona Cardinals (3-3) versus Washington Redskins (3-2)
Nickname: (Cardinals) Inappropriate, needs to be changed
Protector of the desert
Nickname: (Redskins) Offensive, needs to be changed
Redskins: Taught the Pilgrims how to play trombone
Advantage: ArizonaCardinals Scorpions
Head Coach: (Cardinals) Young, seems to like football, defers to no one
Head Coach: (Redskins) Old, seems to like car racing, defers to assistant coaches, old
Advantage: Push
Quarterback: (Cardinals) Currently accepting applications
Quarterback: (Redskins) One of the most promising young QBs in the NFL
Advantage: Redskins
Running back: (Cardinals) Miami-bred, good-not-great, not really a threat to break one, gold teeth, ruined my fantasy team last year
Running back: (Redskins) Maimi-bred, good-not-great, weird, a threat to break one (if by "one" you mean "knee"), ruining my fantasy team this year
Advantage: Push
Wideouts: (Cardinals) Tall, strong, fast, good, lots
Wideouts: (Redskins) Diminutive, fast, injured, expensive
Advantage: Cardinals
Tight end: (Cardinals) What's that?
Tight end: (Redskins) Arguably the league's best
Advantage: Redskins
Defense: (Cardinals) On the rise, great against the run, the team's strength, safety Adrian Wilson is nuts, but in a good way
Defense: (Redskins) Solid, have only allowed five touchdowns in five games, safety Sean Taylor is nuts, but in a bad way
Advantage: Cardinals...just barely
Owner: (Cardinals) Not very popular, reputation for not throwing any money around
Owner: (Redskins) Not very popular, reputation for throwing too much money around
Advantage: Push
Fan Base: (Cardinals) Frustrated but optimistic, perpetually dealing with transplants from different parts of the country rooting for other team (and "covering" theirs...poorly)
Fan base: (Redskins) Dress like hogs, I don't get it, thank my lucky stars each and every day I'm not one of them
Advantage: Cardinals
Yeah, Ma?! Listen -- I forgot my pig nose again. I need you to send it with Jimmy...
Momentum: (Cardinals) Just lost to Vinny Testaverde at home, lost their starting quarterback, who was originally their backup quarterback
Momentum: (Redskins) Coming off of a loss at Lambeau Field to the resurgent Packers
Advantage: Redskins
Home City: (Cardinals) Awesome. Home of the Glendale Star! occasionally hot
Home City: (Redskins) Corrupt, home to lesser newspapers, sometimes referred to as the "Murder Capital of the World," cherry blossoms
Advantage: Cardinals
History: (Cardinals) Prefer not to talk about it
History: (Redskins) 3-time Super Bowl champions
Advantage: Redskins
Notable Leg Injury: (Cardinals) Kicker Bill Grammatica tears ACL after jumping up and down like an idiot while celebrating a first quarter field goal
Notable Leg Injury: (Redskins) Lawrence Taylor shatters Joe Thiesmann's leg on "Monday Night Football"
Advantage: Cardinals (for comedy)
Redskins (for grossness)
Fight Song: (Cardinals) Could use one; suggestion: "Kick in the Door," Notorious B.I.G.
Fight Song: (Redskins) "Hail to the Redskins"
Advantage: Redskins
This Sunday: (Cardinals) Jetlag, Tim Rattay, +6
This Sunday: (Redskins) Lest we have a Mark Brunnell sighting...
Advantage: Redskins
So, judging by the “Tale of the Tape,” it appears as though the Redskins have a slight advantage heading into this week’s matchup. Personally, I think the Cardinals have their work cut out for them, considering that they’re across the country, on the road, and pretty much without a healthy quarterback who knows all the plays. That could be a recipe for disaster. But, I’ve learned not to doubt Ken Whisenhunt and this Cardinals’ defense.Nickname: (Cardinals) Inappropriate, needs to be changed
Protector of the desert
Nickname: (Redskins) Offensive, needs to be changed
Redskins: Taught the Pilgrims how to play trombone
Advantage: Arizona
Head Coach: (Cardinals) Young, seems to like football, defers to no one
Head Coach: (Redskins) Old, seems to like car racing, defers to assistant coaches, old
Advantage: Push
Quarterback: (Cardinals) Currently accepting applications
Quarterback: (Redskins) One of the most promising young QBs in the NFL
Advantage: Redskins
Running back: (Cardinals) Miami-bred, good-not-great, not really a threat to break one, gold teeth, ruined my fantasy team last year
Running back: (Redskins) Maimi-bred, good-not-great, weird, a threat to break one (if by "one" you mean "knee"), ruining my fantasy team this year
Advantage: Push
Wideouts: (Cardinals) Tall, strong, fast, good, lots
Wideouts: (Redskins) Diminutive, fast, injured, expensive
Advantage: Cardinals
Tight end: (Cardinals) What's that?
Tight end: (Redskins) Arguably the league's best
Advantage: Redskins
Defense: (Cardinals) On the rise, great against the run, the team's strength, safety Adrian Wilson is nuts, but in a good way
Defense: (Redskins) Solid, have only allowed five touchdowns in five games, safety Sean Taylor is nuts, but in a bad way
Advantage: Cardinals...just barely
Owner: (Cardinals) Not very popular, reputation for not throwing any money around
Owner: (Redskins) Not very popular, reputation for throwing too much money around
Advantage: Push
Fan Base: (Cardinals) Frustrated but optimistic, perpetually dealing with transplants from different parts of the country rooting for other team (and "covering" theirs...poorly)
Fan base: (Redskins) Dress like hogs, I don't get it, thank my lucky stars each and every day I'm not one of them
Advantage: Cardinals
Yeah, Ma?! Listen -- I forgot my pig nose again. I need you to send it with Jimmy...
Momentum: (Cardinals) Just lost to Vinny Testaverde at home, lost their starting quarterback, who was originally their backup quarterback
Momentum: (Redskins) Coming off of a loss at Lambeau Field to the resurgent Packers
Advantage: Redskins
Home City: (Cardinals) Awesome. Home of the Glendale Star! occasionally hot
Home City: (Redskins) Corrupt, home to lesser newspapers, sometimes referred to as the "Murder Capital of the World," cherry blossoms
Advantage: Cardinals
History: (Cardinals) Prefer not to talk about it
History: (Redskins) 3-time Super Bowl champions
Advantage: Redskins
Notable Leg Injury: (Cardinals) Kicker Bill Grammatica tears ACL after jumping up and down like an idiot while celebrating a first quarter field goal
Notable Leg Injury: (Redskins) Lawrence Taylor shatters Joe Thiesmann's leg on "Monday Night Football"
Advantage: Cardinals (for comedy)
Redskins (for grossness)
Fight Song: (Cardinals) Could use one; suggestion: "Kick in the Door," Notorious B.I.G.
Fight Song: (Redskins) "Hail to the Redskins"
Advantage: Redskins
This Sunday: (Cardinals) Jetlag, Tim Rattay, +6
This Sunday: (Redskins) Lest we have a Mark Brunnell sighting...
Advantage: Redskins
Either way, this team needs a fight song. Stat. And a quarterback. That would also help.
Comments
By JOSEPH WHITE, AP Sports Writer
October 21, 2007
LANDOVER, Md. (AP) -- This wasn't a football game. It was a series of unfortunate events.
Not that it really matters, but the Redskins won 21-19.
At the time of this posting, the full story was here.