An Idiot’s Guide to the Cards’ 34-31 win over the Rams

Note: This column appears in the 10/11 issue of the Glendale Star, and the 10/12 issue of the Peoria Times

This past Sunday the Cardinals were the early game against the St. Louis Rams, and I decided to take notes on everything that occurred. Here’s what transpired…

9:52 AM: Okay, I’m at my friend Rashad’s house, who has Direct TV’s Sunday NFL Ticket. Of course, he set up a second TV so I could watch the Cardinals, because he didn’t want to waste his HD on a game featuring Gus Frerotte and Kurt Warner. Can’t really blame him.

10:01: The game hasn’t started yet, and Rams’ coach Scott Linehan is cursing on the sidelines. Good sign for the Cardinals.

10:02: Matt Leinart calls a play, throws an interception, claims he was misquoted.

10:08: Rams’ go up 3-0. Frerotte gets so pumped he bangs his head into the wall.

10:19: The camera pans to a shot of Matt Leinart’s hip, which looks like a plate of eggplant parm. I didn’t know you could get an STD on your hip!

10:24: My fantasy kicker, Neil Rackers, nails a 50-yarder to tie it. I get so pumped up that I bang my head into the wall.

10:30: Rutgers grad Brian Leonard busts for a 31-yard gain, which is followed by a 16-yard TD pass to Drew Bennett. It’s the Caucasian parade! The Cardinals were not prepared.

10:48: Jerheme Urban can’t handle a potential TD pass, foiling the Cards’ attempt to join the Caucasian parade. Rackers subsequently has a 39-yard field goal attempt blocked, ending the parade altogether.

10:58: Here comes Warner, who gets a huge ovation. Apparently, he used to play for St. Louis. Who knew?

11:01: Edgerrin James fumbles the ball into the endzone, and it’s seemingly recovered by St. Louis. It’s ruled a touchdown for the Cards. Apparently, you don’t need possession of the football in the endzone to score a touchdown anymore, giving me 17 touchdowns on the year.


11:12: Rams’ coach Scott Linehan seems satisfied with the refs explanation of the touchdown. In related news, Scott Linehan is not a good coach.

11:15: Leinart is back in. So wait, Leinart runs the two-minute offense, but Warner runs the no-huddle? I’m confused. Which guy runs the offense that involves touchdown passes?

11:17: Leinart gets absolutely drilled by Will Witherspoon. That can’t be good.

11:22: Adrian Wilson knocks down a Rams player for no reason, giving St. Louis excellent field position. Field goal. Put those three points on Adrian Wilson’s tab, thank you.

: The Cardinals luck out because the Rams pull an Adrian Wilson and kick the ball after an Edgerrin James rush as the clock expires. Kurt Warner gets his first rushing touchdown in 36 years. 17-13 Cardinals at the half.

11:53: St. Louis begins the second half with a TD to Torry Holt. Cards’ D ain’t looking too good.

12:03: Warner starts the second half, as the Cardinals claim that Leinart’s “hip has fallen off.” Not sure if I believe that, but whatever.

12:05: First play? Fumble. Now THAT’S the Warner we all know and love!

12:12: We find out that the Cardinals placed actual traps in the locker room to remind them that this is a trap game. Is that really necessary? I mean, these are grown men we’re talking about here, not fourth-graders. I’m just saying.

12:14: I take that back. Rod Hood has visions of traps in his mind as he picks off Frerotte. Kurt Warner takes advantage of this by throwing an interception in the endzone. Rashad screams for them to “put Leinart back in!” but Leinart is caught inside of a trap inside the locker room.

12:20: Actually, Leinart is now on the sidelines wearing a sling. It doesn’t look like he’s coming back. No word on whether Warner has signed his cast yet.

12:29: Warner is now hitting Rams players in the head with passes. Awesome. Rackers makes it a 20-20 game.

12:45: Rod Hood may have just won this game for the Cards. He returns his second interception for a touchdown.

12:53: Field goal Rams. 27-23.

1:07: Adrian Wilson picks off Frerotte. Gus Frerotte threw a costly interception? Weird.

: Warner to Fitzgerald! Game over. The Arizona Cardinals are in 1st place in the NFC West. They may have just earned HD status for Week 6. Sweet.

Timeout! My shoes are untied!