Classic card of the week

Gaston Green, 1992 Collector’s Edge

“Oh, snap! Gaston Green ‘bout to poop in his knickers!”

This is almost certainly what was going through Gaston Green’s mind at this particular moment, although there is no concrete evidence to back that up. What is for certain however, is that this card marked the first time in NFL history that an opposing player showed visible fear of the Chargers’ defense. (This is before, of course, Shawne Merriman began injecting himself with rhinoceros tranquilizer.)

In 1987, an up-and-coming hip-hop artist named Rakim grew a thicker mustache and decided to secretly join the NFL, under the simple alias of Gaston Alfred Green III. Makes sense. Anyhoo, after toiling in Los Angeles with the Rams for three years, Rakim was informed by his hip-hop partner Eric B, that, “Yo! I heard even hip-hop pioneers can thrive within that Denver running system, kid!” Word. And with that, Rakim Gaston hauled ass for Denver, where he immediately rushed for over 1,000 yards in 1991 and made the Pro Bowl. After missing a practice during the following season’s summer mini-camp thingie because he was performing live at SOB’s, Gaston Green was kicked to the curb, and the Broncos picked up someone else who could rush for 1,000 yards. (In 1999, that annual search was turned into the reality show, “So You Think You Can Play Running Back For the Denver Broncos?” thus turning Olandis Gary into a latter-day Kelly Clarkson.)

Also, none of this is remotely true, and just serves as a ridiculously long and drawn-out way of me saying that I think – at least on the back of this card – that Gaston Green looks exactly like Rakim. Because when people look like other people, I think that is funny. I have nothing else to add, and I hope I haven’t wasted your time.

Did you know?

“Knickers” is hip-hop slang for “toilet after the game.”