Classic card of the week

Greg Screpenak, 1992 Collector’s Edge

Greg Screpenak played rookie guard for the Los Angeles Raiders in 1992. Because the Raiders were the only team in the NFL to define their offensive line by seniority and not positional placement, Screpenak was ineligible to play the position the following year, or for the rest of his life. Nevertheless, Screpenak was also the first player in modern football history to have the left arm of an African American man, the face of a young Tony Siragusa, and the IQ of an oriental rug, paving the way for others of his ilk. According to the back of the card, “the L.A. coaching staff is impressed with his use of his size and long arms to overwhelm defenders.” So there was that, also.

Oh, and Greg Screpenak’s name was not Greg Screpenak, a little-known fact I discovered while Googling Greg Screpenak. To this, Google replied, “Do you mean ‘Greg Skrepenak?’” And I was all like, “Shit, I don’t know what I mean anymore when it comes to Greg Screpenak!” Frustrated but determined, and now presented with two conflicting pieces of information, I used my investigative abilities to delve further into the matter. Amazingly, it turns out that this card is an absolute fraud, as anyone who has stumbled upon Greg Skrepenak’s scintillating Wikipedia page already knows, it’s Skrepenak with a “K.” In performing this exhaustive research, I also discovered an inspirational Greg Skrepenak quotes page, which include such gems as, “This is the first time I’m seeing these actually. Our staff did a pretty intensive search for these and I believe he was the only one who showed any interest.” (Funny, I always thought that was Aristotle.) It appears as though the misunderstood Greg Skrepenak is no longer toiling away as a rookie guard for the Los Angles Raiders, but is rather using his long arms to overwhelm skeptics with his powerful thoughts.

Did you know?
Opposing defenders in 1992 could often be heard screaming, “Aaaarrrggghhhhh! I’m being overwhelmed by Greg Skrepenak’s long arms!” before dying.