Note: This column appears in the 11/8 issue of The Glendale Star, and the 11/9 issue of the Peoria Times
On Sunday, the Arizona Cardinals take on the Detroit Lions. Many people may be confused as to the details surrounding this matchup, and by “many people” I mean “no one in particular.” Nevertheless, that is why I am here. Below are some fast facts about this Sunday’s matchup. Keep in mind however, that my “fast facts” are similar to “Snapple Facts,” in that no one is really certain whether or not they are actually true.
-The Cardinals and Lions first faced each other in the year 1776, with the winner earning America her independence, and the loser forced to move to Detroit. Kurt Warner was but in Kindergarten.
-Many in and around football are describing this matchup as “a poor man’s Colts versus Patriots.” However, they are stressing that the man in question is very, very poor. And also dead.
-In Kurt Warner and Jon Kitna, Sunday’s quarterback matchup will feature two of the most outwardly Christian QBs in the NFL. The early line has God favoring Warner, as evidenced by Super Bowl XXXIV and the timely injury to Matt Leinart.
-This Sunday’s game will be played in Glendale, which, contrary to what the ratio of Lions fans to Cardinals fans will suggest, is not in Michigan. Coincidentally, there is a Glendale in Michigan, but nobody cares.
-Cardinals’ owner Bill Bidwell once placed a bid to purchase the Lions, but his offer of $75 and the first born of Timm Rosenbach was ultimately rejected.
-Lions’ wide receiver Roy Williams, after admitting in an interview that he does not tip pizza delivery men, recently delivered Pizza Hut pizzas around the Detroit area as penance. (This is actually true. Really.) Williams ran out of pizzas after delivering to the house of Michigan native and famed documentarian Michael Moore, whose “tip” was incessant ramblings about George Bush. (Not true.)
-Last season, Lions assistant coach Joe Cullen was arrested after going through a Wendy’s drive-thru naked. (Again, true.) When asked if his assistant coach, Russ Grimm, would ever do the same, Ken Whisenhunt passed out.
-Sunday’s matchup will be the first game of the 2007 NFL season that features only fantasy football disappointments.
-Lions’ offensive coordinator Mike Martz used to be the head coach of a St. Louis Rams team quarterbacked by none other than Kurt Warner.
-That previous fact was false, as the other quarterback was Marc Bulger, who took Warner’s job.
-The Detroit Lions are 6-2. No, seriously!
-Since Barry Sanders’ retirement, the Lions have not employed a running back. The Cardinals are generally adept at stopping the run. Something’s gotta give! I think it will be the run.
-The Cardinals game plan is to convince everyone that this Sunday is Thanksgiving, which is a holiday synonymous with Lions’ losses. Anquan Boldin will be passing out turkeys before kickoff.
-This game will feature the much-anticipated matchup of Calvin Johnson versus Levi Brown, the Lions’ and Cards’ respective 2007 first round draft choices. Their personal rivalry has remained fierce, even though they never have and never will occupy the field at the same time. They have also never met. And Levi Brown probably won’t play. It should be exciting!
-The Cardinals desperately need this game if they want to remain in the NFC playoff conversation. And while I can’t speak on behalf of any of the aforementioned statements, I know this one to be true: The Cardinals’ season will be saved or lost on Sunday.
And that’s a fact.
Is that Kurt behind me? Pretend like we're talking...