Spam email of the week

Subject: Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)

The FBI, you may recall, makes no bones about being the FBI.


Jiminy Christmas, is this the FBI? (It is not.)

 Mr James B. Comey

Uh, is this an email from the FBI incriminating the FBI? Mr. James B. Comey, what say you?

 ATTENTION: Beneficairy,
  We the Federal Bureau of investigation (FBI)

I can't even.

through our intelligence monitoring network has discovered that the transaction that the bank contacted you previously for was legal.

So wait, hold up. This whole time I've been making fun of spam emails, one of those emails was actually true? Because you, the FBI, are "wiretapping the Internet?" This is wonderful news! For me.

Recently the fund has been legally approved to be paid via United Bank of Africa Nigeria.

Yo that is dope. I usually do my banking at Bank Here and United Bank of United States Arizona, which is a real bank. (Also I bank at Real Bank.) I bank a lot. At banks.

So, we the Federal Bureau of investigation (FBI)

It's almost as if the FBI's incessant claims that they are the FBI are more incriminating than reassuring.

Washington Dc,

But not as incriminating as failing to capitalize the C in Washington DC, which is just cray.

in conjunction with the United Nations (UN) financial department

The United Nations is also involved in my email? GOOD WORK GUYS. I have never had more faith in world processes.

have investigated through our monitoring network noting  you that your transaction with the UBA Bank of Nigeria is legal.

Yes! (pumps fist)

You have the legitimate right to complete your transaction to claim your fund $4.7 (four million seven hundred thousand united state dollars) Because of so much scam going on internet.We the Federal Bureau of investigation decided to contact the FedEx Courier Service Company in Lagos,Nigeria for them to give us their procedures on how to sent this money to you without any further complain or delay.


This is normal FBI protocol, by the way: monitor the spam email of a random, average citizen and then work on that citizen's behalf alongside the Nigerian branch of FedEx to help make that spam email come true. U.S.A! U.S.A.!

We just got an information from the Zenith Bank

Hey, what's one more fake bank to toss into this clustercluck of an email? Besides, I bank at Zenith. They're cool.

and they have loaded your $4.7 (four million seven hundred thousand united state dollars) in ATM MASTER CARD and submit to the FedEx courier service company for immediate delivery to your doorstep.

All of this makes sense. My real bank (Real Bank) doesn't allow me to make online transfers exceeding $8,000 in an entire month, but hey - throw $4.7 million on a debit card for me, thnx. I WILL SWIPE IT TO PURCHASE GOODS.

You are required to choose one option, which you will be able to pay and also convenient for you, for quick delivery of your parcel containing your ATM CARD and other two original back up documents.
Service Type | Delivery Duration | Charges/Fees
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------
Premium Express (24hrs Delivery)
Mailing $200.00 00.00
Insurance $150.00 00.00
Vat $100.00 00.00
TOTAL $450.00
$450(Four Hundred and fifty US Dollars Only).
.............................. .............................. ..........
Special Express (2 Days)
Mailing $180.00 00.00
Insurance $70.00 00.00
Vat $150.00 00.00
TOTAL $380.00 00.00
$380(Three Hundred and Eighty US Dollars Only).
.............................. .............................. ................
Economy Express (3Days)
Mailing $100.00 00.00
Insurance$?150.00 00.00
Vat (5%) $50.00 00.00
TOTAL $300.00 00.00
$300(Three Hundred US Dollars Only).
.............................. .............................. ........

The lucky email user's ultimate dilemma: How fast do I want my $4.7 million pre-loaded debit card? Hmmm. I feel like, I waited 36 years for this to happen, so what's another three days, right? Put me down for $300. Or, in FBI lingo, "$300.00 00.00" The FBI is right - there's no such thing as too many zeros, and it really cuts down on the confusion when discussing massive amounts of fake cash.

     You are hereby required to advice us, on your parcel delivery option by filling in the required form stated above. Please note that the deadline for claiming your fund is exactly one week after the receipt of this email. After this period,

this email will self-combust and your memory will be wiped clean.

your fund will be return back So take note.Moreover, this is some tracking number of beneficiaries that received their payment through us and via FedEx website ( are the tracking numbers of the successful delivery made,you can take time out to track them yourself.
MARIE BESTA...........  798243990570
CHRISTINA SUMMERS........... 793412942447
JAMES R GRISHAMS...............793412984009

Spam guy: Quick, I need some fake names to assign to fake tracking numbers for this ridonk email I'm sending out. I'm feeling something Italian to start ...

Spam guy 2: I knew an Italian girl named Marie. She was the best. But she die-

Spam guy: Marie Besta! Perfect. Now something American ... something this guy can trust.

Spam guy 2: (watching Thighmaster commercial on one TV, "Three's Company" on the other) Christy Summers.

Spam guy: YOU'RE ON FIRE. I'm gonna make it Christina though so it sounds profesh. One more.

Spam guy 2: (puts down courtroom thriller, takes off glasses) Grisham ... s. Jo-. No. James. R.

Spam guy: Dude.

 Delivery Terms: International Delivery
Condition Of Delivery:Priority Delivery
Consignment Note No: MI 49866-2110
Color of Parcel: ...Brown.

FedEx delivery guy: (knocks) FedEx delivery!

Me: (looks through peep hole) Oh yeah? Under what kind of delivery terms?

FedEx: International.

Me: What is the condition of the delivery?

FedEx: Priority, sir.

Me: And the consignment note number?

FedEx: MI 49866-2110.

Me: OK, OK. But lemme ask you this: What is the color of the parcel?

FedEx: (looks down) The color is (dramatic pause) brown.

Me: (opens door) Well why didn't you say so?

 We are here to protect you from any problem till you receive your package,

Thank you.

You can as well get in touch with the FedEx delivery company assigned to deliver this financial package to your doorstep.Below is the delivery company's contact information:
Companies Name: FedEx Express Courier Service.
Directors Name: Mr. Nelson Carter

The director of FedEx uses his gmail account and not a FedEx account and also uses the prefix "mr" in said address? OK. Probs cause he knows the FBI is watching. And also because there is



JediJeff said…
Take that ATM card and withdrawl all 4.7 in one transaction.

BTW - I don't see the PIN number in the email. What good is an ATM card with out a PIN?
troy said…
I was disappointed that when I tried the tracking numbers on the FedEx site, they were fake. Why put 'em in? Also, am I crazy to think you and I could make a lot of money freelance-copyediting these things? How many more bites would they get if they weren't 'advicing' people and stuff?
mkenny59 said…
JediJeff, solid point on the PIN. I don't know though, I am still going to use it and I'll just punch in what I THINK the FBI's assigned PIN would be (Bosco?). And yes, in one transaction. At Trader Joe's.

troy, kudos for inputting those tracking numbers. To answer your question, they put 'em in because they don't think anyone like you will do the legwork. You're a dang HERO. But I have to disagree on the copyediting - they will lose all of their spammy flavor.

I love you both forever.