Spam email of the week

(We couldn't resist.)

Subject: Federal Bureau of Investigation F B I

The subject of this email is that it’s from us, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, a.k.a. FBI. We are the FBI, the ones who sent this. Federal Bureau of Investigation. The FBI. We are the subject and the sender, an omnipresent force of investigative prowess. FBI. Us. We are the FBI. Not you. You are a gullible dumbass true American. We are the FBI.

 Anti-Terrorist And Monetary Crimes Division
FBI Headquarters, Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation
J.Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, Nw Washington, D.C. 20535-0001

In case you didn’t believe us, here are the deets. By the way, the Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division are lumped together. Budget constraints, what can I tell ya’? Thanks, OBAMA. Anyway, it does work out well on those frequent occasions when a terrorist tries to use a fraudulent $20 bill at Safeway.


The FBI is not impersonal. We just prefer to get down to business.

This e-mail has been issued to you in order to Officially inform you that
we have completed an investigation on an International Payment in which was
issued to you by an International Lottery Company.

The International Lottery Company is a governing board of sorts that oversees all the world’s lotteries. Did you know Turkmenistan has a lottery? Part of the reason they are so poor is that no one there ever bothers to claim their Power Ball winnings.

With the help of our
newly developed technology (International Monitoring Network System) we
discovered that your e-mail address was automatically selected by an Online
Balloting System, this has legally won you the sum of $2.4million USD from
a Lottery Company outside the United States of America.

This is how things work. Legally. You just won all of Turkmenistan’s money. Aren’t you glad you signed up for email?

We have completed this investigation and you are hereby approved to receive
the winning prize as we have verified the entire transaction to be Safe and
100% risk free, due to the fact that the funds have been deposited with
IMF  you will be required to settle the following bills directly to the
Lottery Agent in-charge of this transaction whom is located in Cotonou,
Benin Republic.

No big deal but you’ll be required to send a small fee to a lottery agent—a thing—who lives in Cotonou, Benin Republic—a place? Don’t worry, this is all Safe with a capital S.

According to our discoveries, you were required to pay for
the following,


(3) Shipping Fee's ( This is the charge for shipping the Cashier's Check to
your home address)

The total amount for everything is $96.00 We have tried our possible best

to indicate that this $96.00 should be deducted from your winning prize but
we found out that the funds have already been deposited IMF and cannot be
accessed by anyone apart from you the winner, therefore you will be
required to pay the required fee's to the Agent in-charge of this

We really tried hard on your behalf to just have the $96 deducted from your winnings. We were all like, “C’moooooon! For Mike?” But dudes was like, “Hell to the no—we already deposited that shizz, IMF-style.” (This is all FBI security lingo.) Anyway, it’s just $96. I know that seems like a lot of shipping for a cashier’s check, but it’s one of those giant checks and it will be delivered personally by Ed McMahon, and it wasn’t exactly cheap to bring him back to life ($91).

In order to proceed with this transaction, you will be required to contact
the agent in-charge ( Mr. Ken Jackson   ) via e-mail. Kindly look below to
find appropriate contact information:

CONTACT AGENT NAME: Mr. Ken Jackson  *

PHONE NUMBER: +22967758934

You will be required to e-mail him with the following information:



Mr. Ken Jackson is in charge of the FBI. That is his home email address; our server is down here. (Again, thanks, OBAMA.) No worries though, this is all legit and perfectly normal. Besides, if we somehow fail to follow through with delivering your $2.4 million check, you can always report us to us.

Oh. You already did, huh?

(puts on FBI jacket)

Well then. 

(puts on sunglasses)

Big mistake.

(dramatically walks to car, "I" falls off back of FBI jacket to reveal a partial Chicago Bulls logo)