So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

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Read part I here ; part II here . Our daughter, DLG1, is beautiful, sweet, smart, funny, active, warm, and extremely outgoing. You could meet her, as many have, and find her to be no different than the average child. Even our extended family often has a difficult time believing that our nurture did not easily overcome her nature. The truth of the matter is that it has not, and never will. We see life through the lens of our own experiences, and because of that it’s nearly impossible to understand, much less relate to, a child who was born not to a mother but to a system that passed her around until God intervened. Even we, her parents who have been there since day … ( counting ) 111, have difficulty with it all. There is an extreme temptation to say, to believe, she’s been with us essentially her entire life, and she doesn’t remember being abandoned; she was just a baby! And even if she did remember anything, it must have been terrible, and life is much better now. Everything is...

Subject: File Number (UNO-154/4456/013) Look at all those letters and numbers! This email couldn't be more official if it had a seal. Who sent this joint, yo? From: United Nations Trust Funds [info@undp.com] UNITED NATIONS TRUST FUNDS? Daaaaaaaaaaaag. I didn't know there was a united nations of foreign diplomats who convene to decide which email users randomly receive trust funds! This is great news. I know there's war and poverty and all that, but sometimes the world gets it right, you know? I'm pleased to inform you that you've be selected by the United Nations Development Program (UNDP) for its Grant Award. It's humbling to know that I've "be selected" for this, along with all the other esteemed "undisclosed recipients" copied here. I will use this grant money to finally set up my pediatric nutrition foundation, which teaches kids about GMOs and the benefits of organic produce J/K GONNA BUY A FLYBOAT CAUSE I'M FLY. It...

For part I click here . My wife’s background as a therapist enabled her to notice things very early on with our daughter that many might have missed. By "many" I mean me and by "might have" I mean did. In fact, the only reason our daughter (daddy’s little girl, DLG1) never received speech therapy is because my wife is a speech therapist, so our daughter has been unconsciously annunciating since she was a baby: I saaaaaid, “Wah, wah.” What can’t you understand about that, father? Now please hand me my bottle before I flip out. DLG1 does, however, currently have three non-speech therapists. Her physical therapist has done wonders with the four-month-old we handed her who could not hold her head up. Not including illegal narcotics, DLG1 did not receive any pre-natal care, which caused her to have the physical strength and stamina of banana pudding. Now she is more athletic than most kids her age, and last year won “a long jumping contest” at school. On those day...

Subject: hi Oh, hi ... "keketa dakowa." Hello dear, Nice to meet you ,how are you doing today in your country?. Is this what you consider "meeting" someone? ME TOO. I am doing great today here in America, thanks for asking. What's popping with you in your stupid country? My name is keketa wish to have you as my friend,honest to share a true relationship with you, Oh, snap, this is cool and normal. I think the first step to building a true relationship with a complete stranger is to send that person an email and be all like, "let's have a true relationship my name is Keketa." Let us skip all of the mutual experiences and bonds of trust and get on with the relationship because honestly, who has the time? Quick question though: how do you define friendship? for friend is all about Respect, Admiration and love passion,and sharing of ideas, Poetry. Did you pull this from the Psalms? Prolly. So dang true, though. Mad respect. A friend to me...

As usual one morning last week, I was only able to complete school drop-off after prying our older daughter off me like a wailing amoeba, and left to a chorus of, “NO DADDY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” The phrase kicking and screaming is not usually literal, but that is exactly what our daughter was doing while being held back by several teachers as all the other children, including those much younger than her, looked on with both awe and disdain. As I walked down the hallway to leave, a mom who I kind of know and who was bearing witness to this whole thing looked at me and said, “Don’t you just wish you knew when days like this were coming?” I responded, “Ha, I know when I wake up it’s going to be a day like this.” I expected a normal parent-to-parent response to that, something like, “Tell me about it!” Instead she responded with a somewhat judgmental, “Really?” Well, yeah, REALLY. My wife later said that I probably misread the comment because I was on edge. Perhaps. The previous evening o...

Today's email comes from "Micheal Gilbert," which is either Michael spelled incorrectly, a French person or something, or a thing that doesn't really exist. The answer is "C." Subject: Ad Placement. "If ya' can't spell yer own name ... ya' might be a spambot." "If ya' be usin' puncteee-ation in yer subject header ... sorry, but ya' might be a spambot." - Jeff Spamworthy Good Day, It was .  I wish to place an employment ad and will require a price quote and your next publish. That was almost a sentence. You were almost there. It was so close. I feel bad about how you can't formulate a sentence. I don't want to judge you, even though you are terrible. I wish you weren't so terrible. Please, go on. AD CONTENT: Account Representative / Mystery-Shopper. Is this the same position? Person 1 : So, what do you do for a living? Person 2 : I am an account representative slash mystery shopp...

I don’t think people realize how much they complain until they actually hear themselves. Seriously, listen to yourself. Wow, you are ungrateful. And we should hang out because I, too, complain a lot. This column itself is basically a drawn-out, weekly complaint. “ I have pigeons on my roof , my clothes don’t fit , there are too many television shows on my DVR , wah, wah, wah.” I am sorry. But here’s the thing: am I? I am not sorry. But I am trying to change. I am currently reading a book about perspective, and I am taking its advice by writing down something I am thankful for each and every day. Today was “I am thankful I’m not a MORON like that idiot on Grand Avenue.” It’s a work in progress. All of this had me thinking recently—is the need to complain something learned or inherent? Nature or nurture? The reason I ask is because our daughters complain ALL THE TIME, and I do not believe they have already become so jaded by their stressful existence of playing nonstop and not havi...

Subject: Talented Singer As a talent agent Randy Jackson publications manager at two weekly newspapers, it makes my ears perk up when I read about a talented singer. Why do my ears perk up when I read? I don't know, it's weird. Dear Friend, I´m contacting you in order to present you a new talented actor and singer who is being considered one of the world´s most beautiful voices. I love beautiful voices! What is his/her name? There are four points where we may work together:   1) We are looking for an International/Local  Manager/Agent. Maybe you can be that person, or help us to find that person. Oh, you want to me to manage/find a manager for your singer? NO PROBLEM. I manage singers all the time, and it's weird that you knew that because none of my singers are famous because I am a terrible manager. One of my singers is a 93-year-old lady named Oldy McNasty who sings nasty R&B songs and who almost made it to the first round of "America's Got Tale...

Gary of Glendale is a loyal subscriber who obviously loves our paper. He likes The Glendale Star because “too much emphasis on Chamber of Commerce activities, youth sports.” This reads like a criticism, but I’ll take it as a compliment. “You can never have enough Chamber of Commerce activities,” is what my mom used to say when she realized that I, at the age of 4, would become publications manager at two weekly newspapers. So we know what Gary doesn’t like. But what doesn’t he like? If he could change The Star , he would “expand letters to the editor, invite guest editors.” The letters to the editor, like classifieds, are dictated by you, the community, and trust me when I say we publish almost all of the ones we receive, even the ones that arrive handwritten and barely legible with coffee stains via courier or fax and that we have to retype ourselves. So keep ‘em comin’! Via email, however! Or at least typed! PLEASE. As far as guest editors—that is definitely an idea. Our editor, C...

Subject: (AD)    4-point IR touch panels for  Bank equipment ,excellent I don't even know where to begin with the cray cray that is this subject header. As usual, I am most disturbed by the random spacing. Here is the editor of this subject header: Editor : No, no, no, this is all wrong! Crumbles up paper printout of subject header, throws in nearby garbage can, misses . First you have to acknowledge this is an AD so we don't get sued. But put it in parentheses so maybe they don't notice. People are idiots. Then you gotta hit the space bar like ... a bunch of times. Go with your gut on that one. Like four or five times maybe. Go with five. Then talk about the 4-point IR touch panels - remember, when a number begins a sentence, you ALWAYS use the numeric digit - and then capitalize the "B" in "bank equipment" after a random space. Then random space, comma, no space, adjective. Honestly, where did you even go to school? Anyway, because I work at a BA...

As all of our loyal subscribers are aware, our renewal notices include two sections that solicit reader feedback: “I like the paper because …” and “If I could change the paper I would …” I am here to tell you, these responses are not taken lightly. I read each and every one before I shred the notice and forget everything you wrote. Of course I am kidding—I don’t shred the notices unless you write/draw something nasty (I'm looking at you , DELORES). In fact, I think this week would be a good time to take a deeper look at what you, the reader, like and dislike about our newspapers. I should start by saying that most subscribers write nothing in these sections. This leads me to believe that approximately 90 percent of you do not like our paper and don’t want anything to change. That is fine by me. As long as we don’t have to change anything. Thanks for your feedback! The most common response is one of appreciation, that you like our paper because it is local. We pride ourselves ...

OH DANG MY CREDIT UNION CARD? I WAS WONDERING WHY I COULDN'T PAY FOR THOSE DOPE CURTAIN PANELS WITH MY CREDIT UNION CARD. AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A CREDIT UNION CARD AND ALSO BECAUSE: WHAT IS A CREDIT UNION CARD? BUT NOW I REALIZE IT WAS BECAUSE MY CREDIT UNION CARD HAS BEEN SUSPENDED. SNAP YO, HOW'M I GONNA RESOLVE THIS ISH? YO YO YO YO CHECK IT, MAYBE IF I GO TO THIS PERSONAL LINK? WORD, THAT'S A RELIEF. I HATE WHEN A CARD I DON'T HAVE GETS SUSPENDED AND THEY DON'T PROVIDE THE LINK TO SHIFTEDLANDS.COM. THIS LINK IS MAD PERSONAL, SON. GOT PHOTOS OF ME AS A KID ON HERE, GOING THROUGH PUBERTY AND ALL THAT. CAN'T BE GETTIN' ALL NOSTALGIC, GOTTA UNBLOCK THIS SUSPENSION. DONE. BAM. WE OUT. /phone breaks/identity ruined/ LOT A PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WHEN A CARD THEY DON'T HAVE GETS SUSPENDED. THEY'RE LIKE, MAYBE I SHOULD CALL MY CREDIT CARD COMPANY OR THE CREDIT CARD POLICE? NAW, SON. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME ...

For some reason my email at work subscribes to Wendy's. I have tried to unsubscribe many, many times - "Are you sure you want to unsubscribe?" A MILLION TIMES "YES!" "Okay sorry to see you go! Can you give us a reason?" YES I HATE YOU "Thanks for your input!" ( receive 800 emails about junior bacon cheeseburger ) - to no avail. Honestly, I get more emails from Wendy's than I do from people who claim to love me. Sometimes I want to unsubscribe from my emotions. Subject: Shhh … Our salads have a secret Everybody be quiet. The salads at Wendy's have a secret. I can't wait to hear what this bowl of shit-ass lettuce and processed chicken parts is going to tell me. CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET? WE HOPE NOT. What the hell is going on? I'm trying to be quiet over here so I can hear the salad secret, but now the salad doesn't TRUST than I can keep the secret, but also doesn't want me to keep the secret? I...

You may or may not remember that my wife has an extreme fear of birds. I mean, you would only remember that if you read the column from like four years ago about how my wife hates birds. These are the types of things I write about. Honestly? I’m not sure why anyone reads this column. Anyway, if for some reason you don’t remember that particular column or have it handy in your archives, here are the Cliff Notes: my wife hates birds. If I had to boil “birds” down (my wife would literally like to boil birds) to something more specific, I will say that my wife hates, especially, pigeons. Pigeons, I think, are most famous for residing in two places: Italy and New York. With regards to the former, my wife spent many vacations in her father’s homeland, and of all the wonderful things Italy is famous for, the pigeons in St. Mark’s Square are not one. In fact, if you YouTube “ pigeon attack in St. Mark’s Square ,” you, too, will develop a hatred of pigeons. Hey, let’s go to Italy so we can...

Dear Manager / Executive ! Oh my goodness simmer down ... "Muhammad Shamas," a.k.a. info@qkimpex.com. The enthusiasm of your impersonal salutation is creeping me out. J/k I love it! I am a very important executive by the way, in charge of everything and with money to burn. Holla atcha boy. Hope this message will be fine in your good health and most prosperous business. Dude, Muhammad. What. The. Hell. Was that? Calm down. Maybe we should start over? I feel like you're trying too hard, talking about health and all that at the jumpoff. Just take a deep breath and preach your game. We are manufacturer cum exporters of all kinds I'm going to ignore that, but: !!! You might want to proofread these emails before you hit send. Just a suggestion. of boxing gloves, MMA gloves, weight lifiting belts, Oh, cool. Possibly you've heard that our newspaper dabbles in a wide array of interests: swim caps , djing weddings , fire hoses , etc. We learned a long time ago...

Honestly, I don’t even know why it’s called potty training. There is no training going on. As a parent you just say things and do things that the child totally couldn’t care less about and/or will forget about three seconds later, if she’s processed anything at all. Potty training is a term adults made up to mask the unfortunate fact that you are completely at the mercy of when your child randomly decides she will stop crapping her pants. Meanwhile you say things at parties like, “I am potty training my child” (I go to terrible parties), even though nothing tangible is happening. In your mind there is a montage set to “Eye of the Tiger” or the “Benny Hill” theme, depending on your personality, of all the times you have left food on the table and fruitlessly brought the child to the potty, and all the INSANE and contrived celebrations for when she pees even a smidgen of urine—“YEA I’M SO PROUD OF YOU HIGH FIVE YOU DID IT!”—and you imagine a time when she finally “gets it,” and all o...

Subject: Classifed Hello Newspaper, If our newspaper could talk, it would say, "Hello!" Well, not today, cause it's being a dick. But usually. I have a classified ad for free motorcycle due to my son sudden death Oh okay. Maybe you want to leave out the part about your son dying because that is terrible. Also, since it's come up, I guess I have to ask: did your son die on the motorcycle ? You say it was sudden and now a motorcycle is for sale? I don't know. I'm trying to put two and two together here. I have come to the conclusion that yes, that is what happened. and i am not good in riding a motorcycle , Have you considered taking motorcycle-riding lessons? I am sure that's what he would have wanted. Mom, if something ever happens, please learn to ride this motorcycle to honor my memory, if it's still functional after the accident. I know you are like 60 or whatever, but it would mean a lot to me, in heaven, to see you riding the thing that ...

I know a lot about cars, so it’s always fun dropping my car off for service. Here is a dramatic reenactment of me doing just that. Me : Here is my car. Please change the oil and inspect it or whatever. I’m having some trouble with the thing that makes the car drive, not sure what it’s called, but please fix it. Unless it’s a lot of money, then definitely do not fix it. A lot of money to me is like $100. Car person : Oh no problem, boss man. Actually, if you want to pop the hood I’ll give it a quick peek and see if it’s anything we can figure now, on the spot. Me : Oh, uh, sure. Go in car, pop gas tank. Car person : Me : Turn on windshield wipers. Car person : You know what, chief? No biggie, I’ll check it out later. Then I go home and wait for the phone call about what is wrong with my car and how it’s not covered by my warranty. Car person : Hey there big fella. Just calling back about your vehicle. Got a question for ya’—when was the last time you had the transmission...

Subject: tee shirts order I'm not sure if you're looking for t-shirts or shirts with pictures of golf tees on them. Either way, we have it all here at T-/TEE SHIRT EMPORIUM the weekly newspaper. I want to know whether you can have blank tee shirts for sale? When you're looking for blank t-shirts, there are two ways to go about it: 1) Email sporadically until you find someone who sells blank t-shirts. "You're never going to find out if you don't ask." - Tee "Shirt" Johnson, inventor of the t-shirt 2) Go to a t-shirt store or visit a website likely to sell t-shirts. The first way is better. BUT, we don't sell blank t-shirts here at this particular newspaper. :( Only graphic t-shirts with witty phrases like "Newspapers: it's what's for breakfast," and "Hey Internet, virus much?" am looking for blank tee shirts with no screen printing. You should repeat yourself again because I didn't understand wh...