Spam email of the week

Subject: RE: BREAKING STUDY: NBA Finals Sets Online Viewing Record - For Least Adult Website Views (Full Study Inside)

Quite possibly the greatest subject header involving the NBA and porn studies that exists. Also, "BREAKING STUDY" is a thing, I guess? Before I comment any further, let's go inside to see the full study, which is inside. The computer.

Hey there,

Hey.

How’s it going?

Pretty good, I guess. Still catching my breath from watching the NBA Finals while NOT simultaneously watching online porn. You?

Last night, one of the best NBA Finals series of all time came to a historic climax – and beyond the King getting his second ring, the games did the seemingly impossible – took viewers away from online porn.

Cool use of climax there. I suspect this entire email could serve as one, big "that's what she said," and I will try my best to refrain from going there. I don't want such immaturity to infiltrate this very important and relevant topic about basketball and online porn and how they do or do not coexist.

That’s right – the statisticians at Pornhub.com

Bill: Well it's nice to meet you, Pete. Tell me, what do you do for a living?

Pete: I'm a statistician, actually.

Bill: Wow, really? Pretty neat. Math nerd, huh? Ha, ha ... just kidding! Where do you work?

Pete: Pornhub.com.

Bill: (swallows piece of shrimp cocktail whole)

Pete: I know about you, Bill.

carefully analyzed each game of the Finals to track traffic changes in Miami, San Antonio, and across the US by the hour; comparing variables like arena locations, game winner, and more.

Inside Pornhub.com's studios during Game 7

Pete: These online porn statistics are through the floor! Online porn in Miami is down 12 percent RIGHT NOW!

Greg: Do you think maybe it's because people in Miami are watching the game or AT the game and thus are not watching porn?

Pete: Who knows! No time to draw conclusions yet! Still collecting data! William, any findings?

William: ANY? How about - check out San Antonio! It's like online porn just stopped in its tracks! And we haven't even had a "game winner" yet!

Greg: More like "game wiener" ... or should I say lack thereof!

Everybody: SHUTUP GREG THIS IS SERIOUS

Pete: Guys, check it out - according to my arena locations, people near other arenas right now are watching online porn, but some are not ... this is difficult to parse right now, but ... MAN, ya' know? I feel like we're in the middle of history right now ...

William: No doubt, no doubt. Working on a chart right now ...



Greg: Are you TRYING to make this bar chart look like upside-down boners?

Everybody: GET OUT GREG!

William: Jeff, what about you? Are you seeing this?

Jeff: (logs off online porn, toggles furiously through spreadsheets) Uh, yeah, this is ... crazy!

Feel free to use the info and stats as you see fit.

I can't think of a scenario off the top of my head that WOULDN'T be fit for this info. Writing up a huge feature for our local community newspaper right now titled, "Basketball the new porn, sayeth porn-tracking company Pornhub." Gonna call my dad, too - he's a Catholic deacon, so maybe he can get a homily out of this great new information. "'Watch basketball, not porn,' is what St. Paul was saying to the Galatians there, in a way, when you think about it." These are just a couple scenarios I have thought of where this information comes in extremely handy, so the possibilities are obviously endless.

Have a great weekend.

Best,

Mike

The Pornhub Team


Thanks, Pornhub Team! Have a great weekend, too!

/Game seven ends; online porn statistics revert to normal levels/

*NOTE: Can't wait for all the new porn-related spam/ads I will receive as a result of this post. I REGRET NOTHING.

UPDATE: I received another email of this ilk after the NHL Finals. Other media outlets did as well, and this nonsense somehow made it mainstream. So, rest assured - mass media takes junk email and makes it "news."

Comments

Bill said…
A lot of men are humiliated by this breaking study; I would be ashamed to be caught watching the NBA.
mkenny59 said…
Very nice, Bill. Very nice.