Thursday, May 30, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Talented Singer

As a talent agent Randy Jackson publications manager at two weekly newspapers, it makes my ears perk up when I read about a talented singer. Why do my ears perk up when I read? I don't know, it's weird.

Dear Friend,

I´m contacting you in order to present you a new talented actor and singer who is being considered one of the world´s most beautiful voices.


I love beautiful voices! What is his/her name?

There are four points where we may work together:
 

1) We are looking for an International/Local  Manager/Agent. Maybe you can be that person, or help us to find that person.

Oh, you want to me to manage/find a manager for your singer? NO PROBLEM. I manage singers all the time, and it's weird that you knew that because none of my singers are famous because I am a terrible manager. One of my singers is a 93-year-old lady named Oldy McNasty who sings nasty R&B songs and who almost made it to the first round of "America's Got Talent" but I forgot to fill out the application. But it was cool because she died.

2) His first international tour is already being planned.  Maybe you can help us to organize his shows in your region. 

I'd be happy to help organize the international tour of this person whose name I do not know! I handle all anonymous talent on the northwest side of Maricopa County, and I already booked a Wednesday morning show at the Horse & Saddle Bait Shop and Bar Hop. I hope he juggles and also does nudity. He will be paid in bait.

3) He also performs in corporate events and parties (therefore there are many different show options and styles), if you also work in that area, you can help us to sell his shows.

I feel like maybe you think I'm a different person than I actually am.

4) We are also looking for contacts in recording companies and in the show buzz.

My friend Matt from high school manages Bell Biv Devoe and Slick Rick (I know it's hard to tell sometimes, but I am not even kidding). I will talk to him, promise. Not about this - this is stupid - about fantasy baseball because he's also in our fantasy baseball league.

"IN THE SHOW BUZZ???"

You can listen to his work at the site: www.the-number-one.org/talent

Okay so yeah I went to the site and a few things:

- His name is Helicio Hime and it says "he is considered the real: 'ELVIS SINATRA PAVAROTTI'!" That is in quotes so ... did someone actually say that? Is there a fake Elvis Sinatra Pavarotti out there? I will be on the lookout for imposters.

- Also: "HELICIO HIME is a complete artist. He dances, acts, composes, plays guitar, piano, writes, paints and sculpts." Come to the Holiday Inn Express this Saturday and watch Elvis Sinatra Pavarotti sculpt a birdhouse on stage! The show is seven hours and there is a two-drink minimum.

- It says he also founded "one of the most prestigious and award-winning software companies." So there is that. Pretty good fall-back plan if this whole singing/sculpting thing doesn't work out, if you ask me.

- There is one photo of Helicio singing passionately in front of a confederate flag.

- There is another photo of him staring at himself lovingly in the mirror with the phrase, "HELCIO HIME conquers every public!"

So anyway, this is pretty much my new favorite website. My blog gets like 10 hits a day, so to whoever sent me this email ("Ceasar, personal assistant") - sit back and wait for the fame to roll in. You're welcome.

4 comments:

The Junior Junkie said...

Looks like he's also friends with Liza Minelli. Instant cred.

mkenny59 said...

So true. I am also friends with Liza Mineli, fwiw.

Anonymous said...

Great voice this guy has. Loved it! How can I get in touch to hire his show?

Anonymous said...

Loved his interpretation of Girl from Ipanema, never heard a better one.