Thursday, May 09, 2013

Spam email of the week

Dear Manager / Executive !

Oh my goodness simmer down ... "Muhammad Shamas," a.k.a. info@qkimpex.com. The enthusiasm of your impersonal salutation is creeping me out. J/k I love it! I am a very important executive by the way, in charge of everything and with money to burn. Holla atcha boy.

Hope this message will be fine in your good health and most prosperous business.

Dude, Muhammad. What. The. Hell. Was that? Calm down. Maybe we should start over? I feel like you're trying too hard, talking about health and all that at the jumpoff. Just take a deep breath and preach your game.

We are manufacturer cum exporters of all kinds

I'm going to ignore that, but: !!! You might want to proofread these emails before you hit send. Just a suggestion.

of boxing gloves, MMA gloves, weight lifiting belts,

Oh, cool. Possibly you've heard that our newspaper dabbles in a wide array of interests: swim caps, djing weddings, fire hoses, etc. We learned a long time ago that simply producing newspapers was not exactly diversifying our portfolio. And it just so happens that yes - we also host MMA events here as well. Just last week we put on Marquez vs. freelance school reporter, and it got pretty ugly. We might be getting sued, actually. I guess what I'm saying is, your email DOES will be fine in most prosperous business.

gloves and other hoisery products and supply our products almost all corners of the world with entire satisfaction of trade and profession.

Do weight lifting belts fall under "hosiery?" Like, if I went into, say, Talbot's, and said, "Please direct me to your hosiery section, please," I should expect to find weight lifting belts there? Also, how much for 17 weight lifting belts?

Our all products are fully guaranteed against any legitimate manufacturing defects.

"Hello, Muhammad? Yes, I'd like to return these weight lifting belts."

"Is the reason for your return legitimate?"

"Well, it appears they are made of construction paper and provide little support. I threw my back out thinking about trying to bench press 50 pounds. Also, this is a newspaper and I ordered them in error."

"I'm sorry we don't cover illegitimate reasons thank you bye good luck with prosperous business."

Also being customised with the color / logo to boost up the business of our valued customers in highly superb quality and un-beatn prices.

May I suggest a slogan? Muhammad Whatever's Gloves And Other Hosiery Stuff: Our Prices Are Un-beatn! (Leave off the last "e" for save-ings!)

If you need more information, kindly feel free to write us, which will be at our best attention.

Cool sentence! Where should I send my letter?

Mailing Adress: Ahmad Nagar Bonga, Chungi No#8, Zafarwal Road, Sialkot 51310 - Pakistan.

Nice, let me just mail this boxing gloves order to Ahmad Nagar Bonga, c/o Muhammad Shammas, to suite number Chungi No#8 at a street with no number in Pakistan. One time I sent something to Pakistan to the wrong Chungi number and it ended up being a tremendous hassle, as you can imagine. Anyway, I excitedly await my hosiery and sincerely hope that I do not receive ANYTHING else you may export.

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