For some reason my email at work subscribes to Wendy's. I have tried to unsubscribe many, many times -
"Are you sure you want to unsubscribe?"
A MILLION TIMES "YES!"
"Okay sorry to see you go! Can you give us a reason?"
YES I HATE YOU
"Thanks for your input!"
(receive 800 emails about junior bacon cheeseburger)
- to no avail. Honestly, I get more emails from Wendy's than I do from people who claim to love me. Sometimes I want to unsubscribe from my emotions.
Subject: Shhh … Our salads have a secret
Everybody be quiet. The salads at Wendy's have a secret. I can't wait to hear what this bowl of shit-ass lettuce and processed chicken parts is going to tell me.
CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET? WE HOPE NOT.
What the hell is going on? I'm trying to be quiet over here so I can hear the salad secret, but now the salad doesn't TRUST than I can keep the secret, but also doesn't want me to keep the secret? I'm skeptical that this stupid salad even understands what "secret" means. Also, WHAT IS THE SECRET?
We do more to make our salads taste better.
Is that the secret? I was led to believe a talking salad was going to whisper a secret recipe into my ear, but now it seems some corporate social media marketing person is writing terrible copy on behalf of the salad. I am very, very disappointed.
You could almost call it a secret.
My head is spinning. You could almost call it something once but not anymore! DOESN'T MAKE SENSE WENDY'S
Visit wendys.com/secrets to unlock all the tasty secrets behind our salads and you could win a $25 gift card from Wendy’s®.
Yeah okay so I did this. I'm not proud, but I did. I have never seen something so complicated in my entire life. There are 12 salad secrets and each of them have hints. I was going to try and unlock some of the secrets for the purposes of this post, but I did not for two reasons: 1) the page requests that you log in with facebook, and I feared that if I tried to do something, my facebook news feed would be like, "Mike Kenny tried to unlock Wendy's salad secret No. 7!" and I would want to crawl into a cave and not emerge for 10 years; and 2) if I did manage to unlock all 12 salad secrets and earned a $25 Wendy's gift card, I would be forced to reassess my entire path in life, and also I wouldn't eat a Wendy's salad or a Wendy's anything (non-Frosty) because I have been adamantly opposed to square hamburgers even before I gave up meat (3).
Okay fine who am I kidding. I logged out of all my social media sites and tried to unlock salad secret No. 2 (I couldn't figure out the deal with No. 1, obvs), which just led me to Wendy's Twitter page. So: salad secret No. 2 is Wendy's Twitter page. I have no idea what is going on, but I have already wasted like 45 minutes doing Wendy's-related things. They are never going to stop sending me emails.
Oh, by the way, for what it's worth, the Wendy's Twitter page attempts to create hashtags like #IdShareAFrostyWith, and, for EARTH DAY, recommended followers tweet them a pic "of your Flatbread Grilled Chicken in nature" (!!!!) with this pic:
Guys, SOMEBODY DID THIS. Somebody took a picture of a chicken sandwich in a tulip garden. PUTTING YOUR PROCESSED CHICKEN SANDWICH WITH ITS WRAPPER IN SOME FLOWERS AND TAKING A PICTURE OF IT TO POST ON THE INTERNET = SAVING THE EARTH. Okay, now I've wasted about an hour. I'm done now, for real.
#IdShareAFrostyWith Emily Dickinson.
Okay now I'm done.