It’s been more than a year since we last checked in with you, our loyal subscribers, to see how you’re enjoying or not enjoying our newspaper. So, let’s do that, OK? OK.
As a refresher, our renewal notices include two sections: “I like The Glendale Star/Peoria Times because:” and “If I could change The Star/Times I would:” Let’s first examine what you all have enjoyed so far. I am changing all of your names to something ridiculous so nobody sues me for defamation and because it is fun.
Let’s start with Mertha Klonk, who likes the Times because: “I enjoy hearing our local news. It’s also good to hear of the problem areas in our town. Please continue the newsletter.” Thank you, Mertha. And great timing, too, as we were just about to cancel our newsletter before we got your note. In fact, we’ve decided to go in the other direction and start a newspaper. Wish us luck!
Mertha adds in the payment section, “Mike said he would OK a 2-yr senior citizen for $30.” Ha, ha … Mike says a lot of things. You owe us $5. Just kidding, Mertha Klonk!
It’s become quite apparent that many of you like our newspaper mostly because we are not another newspaper. Take Rory Harkenbush (please! Just kidding, Rory): “Offers local news not always printed in NW section of Republic.” I do not know of which publication you speak, but OK.
Gil McGritts? “It is NOT like the Arizona Republic! (a bleeding heart liberal newspaper)” Thank you? Also, if your newspaper is bleeding, it should probably see a doctor.
Speaking of politics, Bob Sacamano, though he likes the The Star, would make a small change: “Include ‘conservative’ opinion columns from Ann Coulter and/or Thomas Sowell/ Rush Limbaugh? To effect a little balance to the fairyland ‘liberal’ brainwash of the rest of the media.” I’d like to say we are above such brainwashing tactics, but the first letter of every paragraph in this very issue reads “OBAMA THIRD TERM” on a loop. Our bad. And I will take your advice re: Ann Coulter. We could use another humor column.
Now, what else could we improve? Loretta Strickland has an idea: “I would have a special section for the present generation as to what is good and what is not.” Hmmm … I like it. Kids these days have no clue, and a special section outlining basic moral principles is what should get them on the right track. For example, “Good: hugs; Not good: pushing people down stairs.” Eventually our newspaper will replace school, saving tax dollars in the process. Thanks, Loretta!
How about you, Dr. Fred Finkel? “CANCIL” Come again? (checks bottom portion of renewal notice) “CANCIL” Hmmm. I believe this is French for, “You’re doing great; my renewal is in a separate envelope.” Thanks, Dr. Fred—we will keep up the great work.
Now, besides adding to our awesomeness, is there anything you all truly don’t like about our paper? Something you wish would go away? I doubt it, but let’s see what Claire Understudy thinks. “Remove the self-indulgent column by Mike Kenny and replace it with interviews with interesting Glendale residents.”
Hold up, Claire—are you calling columns about how I lost my sunglasses and about my adult acne self-indulgent? You know what … you’re right. Unfortunately my hands are tied. Literally. I am handcuffed to a keyboard and forced to write weird, irrelevant columns as a “The Producers”-esque means to sink this newspaper so the owners can collect insurance money. HELP! Also, duly noted.
In all seriousness, thank you all for being loyal subscribers and for your consistently helpful feedback. You are truly the straw that stirs our objective, non-partisan drink. Of words. I don’t know … that was a weird metaphor. Man, I AM the worst. Sorry!
Note: This column appears in the Oct. 2 issue of The Glendale Star and the Oct. 3 issue of the Peoria Times.