Spam email of the week

Subject: Payment Securement From Afghanistan

Say word.

Hello My Dear,

Hello ... Mom?

I am Gen. D. Rubben Brett,U.S. Army Officer, commanding the 3rd Battalion, 8th Marines Regiment(3/8) in Afghanistan.

Oh, OK. Got it. I forgot for a second that U.S. Army generals (who are also "officers" and who also command the Marines?) often use the very formal salutation of "Hello My Dear" when they email everyday civilians, which is a typical practice of the U.S. military. WELP, WE BE DONE OUR MILITARY EXERMACISES. BETTER EMAIL SOME RANDOMS.

ANYWAY, hello, General! Would it be inappropriate to note that your email so far is "Rubben" me the right way? Ha, ha ... I don't think it would, since nothing could surpass the inappropriateness of you emailing me in the first place. All bets are off. What's poppin'?

I apologize to encroach into your privacy in this manner.

Pffft. Encroach away, General. I am sitting here wearing only socks and underwear and scratching myself with a kitchen utensil, so I feel like I should be apologizing to you.

At this moment I want you to hold this top secret while helping me to secure my own share of money worth (US$50M) we recovered on our patrol in Garmis District, Helmand Province of Afghanistan which their so-called insiders are using to sponsor their terrorists and attack foreign troops by Afghan forces of insurgents in the Country.

You can trust me, General Rubben Brett LOL. I definitely can and should be entrusted with keeping secrets of national security. I am mad good at keeping secrets unless I am three beers deep and someone says, "C'mooooon." So if I can just avoid beer and other people for like ... how long do I have to do this?

We tried to set the money on fire but on the contrary,we decided to share the money among ourselves instead of losing all the money since we are being stormed here daily by the so-called insiders and we have been so lucky to have survived several suicide bombing just by pure divine intervention.

Gen. Rubben Brett, Officer, U.S. Army/Marines: We just found these piles of cash patrolling the Garmis District. As your commanding officer, I suggest we set this money on fire. Somebody light a match by my butt and I will fart on the money. (attempts to fart on money, does not work)

Major Dad, U.S. Coast Guard/Air Force: Hold up. Not to be rude, but this won't work. Money isn't flammable. Why don't we share it instead?

Gen. Rubben Brett, Officer, U.S. Army/Marines: Good idea. This money will shield us from suicide bombings.

Please view the following web-page to see how one of our colleagues was recently killed here.

This true account of a terrible incident that has nothing to do with this email has completely legitimized this email.

I used my contact under diplomatic immunity to send the money in a security locked boxes through a Spanish based financial security company.I am expecting to get the fund out immediately to a safe hand so as to commit it to investment channel since i am working under military directives which do not allow me to engage in transfer process properly.

Los bancos espaƱoles son mi especialidad. Debemos invertir en tacos.

I shall furnish you with more detailed information about this operation to put you proper in the picture of the transaction when I receive an affirmation of your  desire to participate.I need to assure you here this deal is 100% risk free as all measures has been taken to protect us from any breach of law.

I trust this assurance will hold up in MILITARY LAW COURT SVU when we are indicted on mutual counts of "breach of law." If not, my strategy will be to repeatedly yell, "YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I ORDERED THE CODE RED" until someone kicks me out.

I am ready to  compensate you with a substantial amount from the above sum if only you will be honest to me,kindly reply me back with this e-mail address ( ) for more details.

What do we have if not honesty, General/Officer Rubben D. Brett? I will reply you back at 1600 hours at your totes legit email address.

Gen. D. Brett

"Where's the Rubben?"

- what I say while aimlessly looking for a massage parlor
- what I say now


troy said…
OMG I can't even tell you how excited I got when Major Dad made an appearance in this thing. I love that guy, and feel like he should have his own TV show or something.