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Subject: save save me.Seeking help. ??????????????????? I'll see what I can do. Major news event / Major news events can make you famous/ Ummm, okay I guess. Who can help me information translated into English and published in foreign television or newspaper or Internet or passed on to the Chinese President xi jinping. Okay hold up, lemme get this straight. All you need is for someone to translate something into English and have it published/broadcast on international mediums OR given directly to Chinese President Xi Jinping? Pfft. I GOT THIS. I gave you 100000 dollars / You did? What did I do with it? I don't think you did, please send again, thnx. Please give this letter translated into English/ No doubt, kid. Hit me off with the realness. I'm ready. Save Save me.Seeking help. This part says, "Save Save me. Seeking help." This is mad easy. I come from China¾È¾ÈÎÒ¡£ÎÒÏÖÔÚÔÚ±±¾©ºÍÒÔÇ°ÔÚÌì½òÌÁ¹Á±»ÖйúÈË´óίԱ³¤Õŵ½­µÄ˽Éú×Ó[ÃúÉÐÀÏ°å´ó¸Å½Ð]¸...

I am a proud, domesticated man. I know my way around a washing machine. (By “a washing machine” I mean my washing machine. I do not know my way around other washing machines.) I know where to find virtually everything in Safeway, including canned coconut milk (ethnic foods), and I won’t hesitate to add feminine hygiene products to my cart if they’re on the list. I make homemade croutons (by toasting bread really hard). I wash dishes. My goodness do I wash dishes. I’m not just domesticated in that I’m able to swallow my manly pride and do certain unenviable chores out of a sense of duty to my family. No, I embrace it. It defines me. I have opinions , gosh darn it. I don’t put my whites in the dryer because they’re more apt to withhold stains. Instead I hang them on a clothes drying thingee, and if I’m feeling particularly domestic I will put said thingee in the backyard and watch the clothes blow gently in the breeze while I breath in pleasant wafts of fabric softener. (My whites ar...

Subject: Your source in Volgograd and Sochi I need one of those. Dear Friends, If you are interested to get a direct information from Volgograd, where awful tradegy had place some time ago, I would be glad to help along with my colleagues - photographers and writers. Will be glad to share a story and interview. HOWDY FRIENDS! Remember that terrible bombing tragedy in Volgograd, Russia? Y'all wanna pay me and my buddies for coverage on that? Seriously I will be legitimately and genuinely happy to share stories and interviews about this otherwise awful tragedy. In my opinion, the awfulness of this tragedy is counterbalanced only by my happiness at reporting on it. In the future, if you ever interested to have your source on Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, we will be glad to help as well. Even if you're not ready for a source at the Winter Olympic Games in Sochi this year, please keep us in mind for when the Winter Olympic Games return to Sochi in the future, i.e. ...

DANG BABY YOU ARE REALLY GOOD AT KNOWING THE DAYS OF THE WEEK I DON'T KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS UNTIL I GET MY BABY MEME LOL MONDAY IS THE WORST THIS BABY NAILED IT THESE OVERALLS DON'T FIT AND I JUST CRAPPED MYSELF, ARE THINGS THAT HAPPEN ON MONDAY TO ALL OF US BABY BE LIKE, WHY ARE WEEKS CYCLICAL, WAH! TALK TO COPERNICUS, OSHKOSH B'JOSH THANKS BABY I FEEL BETTER ABOUT TUESDAY THAN I DID ABOUT MONDAY YOU ARE ON THE BEACH THOUGH SO EASY FOR YOU TO SAY JERK BABY WHAT IS YOUR DEAL GET A CLUE GET OUT OF MY FACE YOU SMUG JERK I HAVE A LOT TO DO TODAY DANG YOU BEEN AT THE BEACH ALL WEEK, SON? YOU A PIMP YO I JUST REALIZED BABIES AIN'T EVEN WORK THEY SHOULDN'T BE SO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THE DAYS OF THE WEEK WHY AM I EVEN LISTENING TO THESE DUMB BABIES, THEY DON'T KNOW JACK WTF LOL, LEARN HOW TO FINISH A MEME YA DUMB BABY ALSO PRETTY SURE I COULD BEAT YOU IN A FIGHT

“Where’s Alice?” That’s the question my wife asked me in a panic as we drove along Route 40 out of Albuquerque on our way home from an extended holiday vacation in Colorado. The Alice to whom she was referring was an “Alice in Wonderland” doll that nestled tightly in our daughter’s arms each night before her restless movements managed to release it from her clutches to the foot of the bed or, alas, the floor. For Christmas, said daughter had received dolls from the movie “Frozen,” which were currently occupying her time and which went a long way toward explaining her recent carelessness with Alice. “How should I know?” I said. My ignorance made me culpable, apparently, and it was decided by all the females in the vehicle that I must have let Alice fall out of the car while I was packing it BY MYSELF. I denied these accusations as the frantic car search continued, pointing out the many times I had saved babies—our daughters call their dolls babies—from tragic asphalt fates. I alwa...

Subject: Notice of appearance in court NR#6037 Notice to Appear, Hereby you are notified that you have been scheduled to appear for your hearing that will take place in the court of Washington in January 14, 2014 at 09:00 am. Please bring all documents and witnesses relating to this case with you to Court on your hearing date. The copy of the court notice is attached to this letter. Please, read it thoroughly. Note: If you do not attend the hearing the judge may hear the case in your absence. Yours truly, Ruth Smith Clerk to the Court. - - - - - - - - - I travel to Washington, show up to local court Tuesday morning, barge through courtroom doors Me : Sup, y'all, wasn't easy but I made it. Now who did the murder? Prolly dude o'er there ( points to bailiff ). Boom, solved. NEXT. J/k seriously though where do I sit? Judge : Excuse me sir, but this is a court OF LAW. May I help you with something? Me : Yeah, no doubt, no doubt. Just here to do my civic duty. Or, uh .....

Last summer my wife told me to submit an application for our oldest daughter to attend a local charter school. I said, “ What ? She is like 3. Pretty sure we have some time.” She said, “Your daughter is 4. And we don’t have a lot of time. There is a waiting list.” “Is this one of those schools where there are yet-to-be-born children on the waiting list?” “Probably.” “Okay I will do it tomorrow. One question.” “What?” “What is a charter school?” My wife delved into some explanation that did not necessarily serve as an answer to my question. So I looked online. According to Wikipedia, “a charter school is an alternative education system where a school receives public funding but operates independently.” So basically … I still don’t know. It sounds like a charter school is a school that has its cake and eats it, too, and also we pay for the cake. Nevertheless, I filled out the application under the impression that the school would prefer a child who came from less than ord...

IMMA KEEP THIS SNEEZE GOING BY SHARING IT WITH MY FRIENDS LOL THAT NOSE BE SNEEZING OUT ITS MOUTH I'M ALLERGIC TO GENERAL IGNORANCE BULLSHIT IS A PROPER NOUN AND SHOULD BE CAPITALIZED I'M ALLERGIC TO GENERAL IGNORANCE "FOR BETTER SENTENCE STRUCTURE!! REPLACE A COMMA WITH TWO EXCLAMATION POINTS..." - ERNEST HEMINGBERG OR SOME SH*T I'M ALLERGIC TO GENERAL IGNORANCE THAT NOSE IS WEARING A HAT AND SHOES ALSO I AM ALLERGIC TO FAKE PEOPLE DANG YOU NEVER REALLY MET OUTKAST YOU FAKE LIAR PERSON, GREAT NOW I HAVE TO BUY ALLEGRA THIS MEME WOULD BE A LITTLE MORE PROFESSIONAL IF THE NOSE GUY WAS CARRYING A BRIEFCASE THEN HE CALLS INTO WORK LIKE, SORRY BOSS CAN'T COME IN, CAME DOWN WITH A CASE OF FAKE-ASS PEOPLE ALLERGIES BOSS IS LIKE, WTF IS THAT EVEN REAL THE BOSS IS LIKE A BIG TOE OR SOMETHING ANYWAY PLEASE KEEP THIS FAKE SNEEZE GOING FOR THE TROOPS

( We couldn't resist .) Subject: Federal Bureau of Investigation F B I The subject of this email is that it’s from us, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, a.k.a. FBI. We are the FBI, the ones who sent this. Federal Bureau of Investigation. The FBI. We are the subject and the sender, an omnipresent force of investigative prowess. FBI. Us. We are the FBI. Not you. You are a gullible dumbass true American. We are the FBI.   Anti-Terrorist And Monetary Crimes Division FBI Headquarters, Washington, D.C. Federal Bureau Of Investigation J.Edgar Hoover Building 935 Pennsylvania Avenue, Nw Washington, D.C. 20535-0001 www.fbi.gov In case you didn’t believe us, here are the deets. By the way, the Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division are lumped together. Budget constraints, what can I tell ya’? Thanks, OBAMA. Anyway, it does work out well on those frequent occasions when a terrorist tries to use a fraudulent $20 bill at Safeway. ATTENTION: BENEFICIARY ...

Me : ( opens email, first message reads “Details on your Amazon order FDS436578”) Babe? What did you order on Amazon? Wife : Oh just some boots for the girls. Don’t worry though, they’re probably going back. Me : What do you mean they’re probably going back? They haven’t even gotten here yet. Wife : My mom is sending some boots for them. I want to see which ones I like better. Me : Why is your default mechanism to buy it instead of just waiting? Wife : Just … don’t question me, okay? I know what I’m doing. Three days later, Amazon box of boots sits on chair where I usually sit at kitchen table Me : BABE! What is going on with this box? Wife : Oh, you can return it. I like the ones my mom sent better. Me : I’m sorry, I can return it? Wife : ( makes puppy dog eyes ) Me : ( forcefully grabs box ) Gimmie this thing … where’s the computer?  I go into office to use printer and execute return Me : ( yelling because wife is in differen...

TAKE THAT POLITICIANS DUMB POLITICIANS BE LIKE, "DERP DERP I'M SO STUPID AND DUMB WHERE DA PROSTITUTES AT" ALIENS BE LIKE, "YOUR BUDGET IS FIXED, WE HAVE ANALLY PROBED NORTH KOREA AND DISCOVERED THEIR AGGRESSION IS BORN OF INSECURITY, WORLD PEACE HAS BEEN RESTORED" MEANWHILE POLITICIANS BE LIKE, "JUST SENT THAT HOT-LOOKING ALIEN A PICTURE OF MY SCHLONGER" THESE JOKES ARE TOPICAL VOTE OR DIE ... FOR THE ALIENS - P DIDDY, 2016 HOLD UP I'M NOT FINISHED BLASTING POLITICIANS YET WITH BITING COMMENTARY BOOM, ROASTED NOT HAVING A GOOD YEAR SO FAR, POLITICIANS, WITH ALL THESE HILARIOUS MEMES AT YOUR EXPENSE WHICH WIZARD OF OZ DUDE HAD NO TESTICLES THINK IT WAS TOTO THE WIZARD OF OZ MOVIE IS 75 YEARS OLD AND THE BOOK IS 114 YEARS OLD THE SONG "IF I ONLY HAD SOME TESTICLES" IS ZERO YEARS OLD CAUSE IT DON'T EXIST OTHER THAN THAT YO THIS IS MEME IS ON POINT HOLD UP I AIN'T FINISHED KNOCK KNOCK YOU SAI...

Subject: Fwd: This is a forward about nothing. From: News This is an email FROM news about  news and/or nothing. It's like I'm looking in a mirror of me looking in a mirror only it's a dream but the dream is Conception but actually it was Momento only to find out that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time. News [news-58@realestatepronews.com] Real estate news is my favorite kind of news because it's very relevant to my life. What are the latest real estate trends? Is it a buyer's market or a farmer's market? Are interest rates something? Can I trust an agent who DOESN'T drive an absurd vehicle covered in real estate jargon? Does that house come with a dishwasher? When I have questions such as these, I don't actively research the answers myself, but instead wait to get an email from a pro in the field. Anyway, what is the news? Freak space rock spins dusty trail ... ... ... ... ... wtf The Hubble telescope has spotted an asteroid ...

Subject: ????? ?? ???? [???? ???? ??] Translation: "WHAAAAAAAA? [By the way, WHAAAAAAAA?]" I'm sure this will make more sense when I open it. ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم الأخ / Buddy حفظه الله السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته نود أخبارك بأن صديقك: It's like someone is speaking to me in dots and Arabic, but stops in the middle to call me buddy. I like this email. It is my favorite email. Exact blueprints and videos in making the Hendershot Generator are provided so you can follow and make your own Hendershot Generator more convenient http://hendershotgenerator.de.pn Oh cool thanks, this website will make it a lot more convenient for me to build my Hendershot Generator. To this point the only thing stopping me from building a Hendershot Generator from scratch was lack of convenience. One time I built a generator from LEGOs, and by generator I mean house, and by LEGOs I mean crayons. And by built I mean drew. Click Here The fir...

You may or may not recall, but my other venture aside from writing super important prose about things like changing the batteries in my smoke detectors is making fun of spam emails on my blog. The Lord’s work, I know, but I am not a hero. I am just a man. One of my favorite things is when people send me their spam emails to write up. It makes me feel like “Dear Abby,” except that instead of solving people’s familial/emotional problems through great insight, I am recycling garbage on a blog that at least 10 people know/care about. One of those 10 people is my mom who, believe it or not, also occasionally sends me her spam emails to write up. I have no doubt she tells all of her coworkers to forward her spam emails so she can send them to her son who makes fun of them on his blog. “You must be so proud,” they say to her, although my mom does not detect the sarcasm and responds, “I am, I am. Now I know it was worth it to go back to school myself so that I could get my nursing ...

SO TRUE SO TRUE TELL ME A FUNNY JOKE HUNCHBACK LADY HOLDING A MOP Mop lady : DERP DON'T GET IT TRY AGAIN Mop lady : / urinates on floor / OOPSIE YO, YOU AIIIIGHT LADY? USE THE MOP FOR THAT DANG Mop lady : KNOCK KNOCK WHO'S THERE YO? Mop lady : MY NECK YOUR NECK WHO Mop lady : JUST KIDDING I DON'T HAVE A NECK THAT'S THE JOKE LOL I HAD A TERRIBLE DAY THAT JOKE MADE IT ALL GO AWAY YOUR NECK IS HANGIN' OUT WITH YOUR CHIN IN THE BAHAMAS OR SOMETHIN' Mop lady : IT'S ONLY FUNNY IF I SAY IT A$$HOLE OH MY BAD Mop lady : DID YA HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE ASIAN AND THE BLACK GUY AND THE HOOKER YO HOLD UP THAT DOESN'T SOUND RI-- Mop lady : THE BLACK GUY LIKES MY BUTT AND THE ASIAN GUY HAD A SMALL PENIS THAT MAKES NO SENSE, YOU STEPPED OVER THE LINE HUNCHBACK MOP LADY Mop lady : WHY DON'T THEY MAKE THE WHOLE PLANE OUT OF THE BLACK BOX I'M OUT, YO

BOUT TO LET GO OF THIS HEART-SHAPED BALLOON BALLOONS MAKE ME SAD :( OTHER THINGS THAT MAKE ME SAD ARE CANDY AND PONIES BESIDES I ASKED THAT DANG CLOWN FOR THE FACE OF WALTER WHITE NOT A HEART DUMBASS SORRY FOR THE TYPO BUT IT'S HARD TO PROOFREAD SOMETHING WITH THIS MANY WORDS - DAILY DOSE OH ALSO THE BALLOON IS A METAPHOR SOMETHIN' BE MAKIN' YOU SAD JUST LET IT GO DOG DIED? LET THAT SH*T GO, YO IT'S THAT EASY STOP HOLDING ON TO YOUR DOG'S DEATH, JUST SEND IT INTO THE CLOUDS /RELEASES WORLD POVERTY INTO SKY/ SEE? AIN'T GOTTA WORRY ABOUT THAT NO MORE FOLLOW MY LEAD, AFRICA THROW 'DEM HUNGER PANGS UP INTO DA AIR/LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE BOOM, HAPPINESS YOU'RE WELCOME

Subject: Interested in you. /blushing./ I'm Miss  Anna  Tsunmc, i slim in stature above all i like being honesty,trusted, sincere. Whoa, whoa, hold up, Miss Anna Tslssmncc. Hold up. All of those things you said? Is everything I am, too! I also like being honesty and am slim in stature. Hashtag destiny. I have gone through your contact mail today, You WHAT? I thought you like being trusted? J/k that is cool, whatevs. it interest me to know you more, and I hope to use this opportunity to explain myself a little about me, Your words … like poetry. Please, go on. am yellow in completion, wtf. You are Marge Simpson? I maybe would have started with a different physical characteristic and then gently delved into the fact that you are yellow, i.e. “I have super big boobs and long hair and a nice butt and I like to make sex a lot also I have yellow skin no big deal .” I guess it’s possible “completion” is not a typo but that you completed y...

Dear smoke alarm company: Two years ago I wrote what could have been considered an open letter regarding your product line. In the months since I have seen no improvement, only regression. Here is another letter because I hate you. We recently had guests visit our home, guests who included two boys, 2 and 5 years old. As they slept—as we all slept—at around 3 a.m. I was greeted with the all-too-familiar sound of “Beep … … … … … … beep … … … … … … beep.” The Arizona weather had dipped below freezing, which is to say it had plummeted to an overnight low of 60 degrees, making it an absurd 73 degrees inside our home. As such, the extreme cold had drained the battery on one of our smoke alarms—one of your smoke alarms. I jumped out of bed in a panic and ran to the hallway to try and determine from which of our 28 smoke detectors the beep was coming. Luckily for me, the beep was not coming from the room where our guests’ boys were sleeping. (Lucky for you, too, because...

DANG YO CAN'T DECIDE IF I SHOULD BE A MIME OR A CLOWN THING IS I REALLY WANT TO BE A CPA ARE YOU THERE, GOD? IT'S ME, STEVE THE CLOWN GUY TRYING TO GET SOME GUIDANCE OUT IN THIS BARREN FIELD /HONKS NOSE/ IS ANYBODY THERE? Voice from Heaven : You must make a "choice" ( voice makes air quotes ) to take a "chance" or your life will never "change," clown Steve. YOU'RE RIGHT, YO Voice from Heaven : Sorry for the delay, clown Steve. Didn't recognize you in your pea coat and jeans. THAT'S AIIIIIGHT, YO, FRIDAY IS DRESS DOWN DAY IMMA JUST EAT THIS APPLE OFF THIS WEIRD TREE AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS /EATS APPLE/ /TURNS INTO FIRST SUCCESSFUL CLOWN CPA/

Subject: To:Air Purification ,,,13,000 hrs UV Lights,,,Amalgam Lights & Electronic Ballasts In my mind I am picturing a man standing on a table in the middle of a crowded bar, glass in hand and raised to the sky, screaming, "To air purification! ( crowd screams in delight ) ... To 13,000 hours of UV lights! ( crowd a little bit less enthused ) ... To amalgam lights and electronic ballasts!" ( crowd is like, "Alright hold up, now that's going too far." ) (Also in my mind, three commas = ellipses.) Dear Purchasing Manager to Air Purification Company, Close. This is Gina from CREATOR UV & IR Lighting Co.,Ltd. in Guangzhou. Hi Gina in Guangzhou! It turns out "Gina" is the third most popular name in the sub-provincial Chinese city of Guangzhou, so everything here checks out. CREATOR Lighting has participated in Exhibition of AHR EXPO in USA  for three consecutive times. Indeed your reputation precedes you, CREATOR Lighting. I was a gue...