Thursday, December 05, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: To:Air Purification ,,,13,000 hrs UV Lights,,,Amalgam Lights & Electronic Ballasts

In my mind I am picturing a man standing on a table in the middle of a crowded bar, glass in hand and raised to the sky, screaming, "To air purification! (crowd screams in delight) ... To 13,000 hours of UV lights! (crowd a little bit less enthused) ... To amalgam lights and electronic ballasts!" (crowd is like, "Alright hold up, now that's going too far.") (Also in my mind, three commas = ellipses.)

Dear Purchasing Manager to Air Purification Company,

Close.

This is Gina from CREATOR UV & IR Lighting Co.,Ltd. in Guangzhou.

Hi Gina in Guangzhou! It turns out "Gina" is the third most popular name in the sub-provincial Chinese city of Guangzhou, so everything here checks out.

CREATOR Lighting has participated in Exhibition of AHR EXPO in USA  for three consecutive times.

Indeed your reputation precedes you, CREATOR Lighting. I was a guest speaker at the AHR Expo back in 2011 (topic: "Electronic Ballasts: What Gives?") and all the buzz was about CREATOR Lighting and could this amazing company sustain the success of their rookie season. The next two consecutive times would go on to prove: no diggity.

We are pleasure to recommend below CREATOR UV Products for you.

The pleasure are all mine, Gina from Guangzhou. Hit me off with the realness. (Note: These are actual, real attached jpgs to this email.)


This one is called "U-shaped Amalgam lamp." This is what a U looks like in Guangzhou. For all the real amalgam heads out there, this is basically air purification pornography. NSFW.




Who wants some "UV ballasts?" Pick your flava, playa. I'm partial to the black one because you know what they say - once you go black UV ballast, you never go back (because of their long cords - look at that thing!). Oops also NSFW.



This is, obviously, a "complete set of UV systems." As purchasing manager for an air purification company, I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that I would have no idea what to do with these things if they were handed to me. I would probably have a sword-fight with the two long thingees and try to charge my phone with the whatchamacalit. Nevertheless, hit me off with three of everything, Gina, and say wussup to my Guangzhou brotha from anotha motha, Vinny.

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