Subject: Notice of appearance in court NR#6037
Notice to Appear,
Hereby you are notified that you have been scheduled to appear for your hearing that
will take place in the court of Washington in January 14, 2014 at 09:00 am.
Please bring all documents and witnesses relating to this case with you to Court on your hearing date.
The copy of the court notice is attached to this letter.
Please, read it thoroughly.
Note: If you do not attend the hearing the judge may hear the case in your absence.
Clerk to the Court.
- - - - - - - - -
I travel to Washington, show up to local court Tuesday morning, barge through courtroom doors
Me: Sup, y'all, wasn't easy but I made it. Now who did the murder? Prolly dude o'er there (points to bailiff). Boom, solved. NEXT. J/k seriously though where do I sit?
Judge: Excuse me sir, but this is a court OF LAW. May I help you with something?
Me: Yeah, no doubt, no doubt. Just here to do my civic duty. Or, uh ... maybe I'm the one who did something illegal? Not sure. Got the email.
Judge: To what email are you referring?
Me: Right here, yo. (holds up printout of email) Reference number NR#6037 for dat ass.
Judge: That ... that means nothing. That is jibberish. Let me see that.
Me: Oh no doubt. (hands judge paper) FYI I couldn't open the attachment cause it was a zip file and those things are the WORST. Also, I was just thinking - it MIGHT be that I'm in the wrong Washington. Email wasn't especially clear. Ain't that right, "witness?" (points to man wearing jeans and a Stephon Marbury Suns jersey)
C-Dogg: Can I get a WIT-NESS? (cups hand to ear)
Me: YES, YA' CAN! (gives C-Dogg pound, hug) C-Dogg is my witness, your priestess.
Judge: This ... this paper you gave me is nothing. This is a spam email.
Me: Pfft. Wha? Naw.
Judge: YES. It is. The United States system of justice does not send out EMAILS to notify defendants and/or potential jury members of case hearings. We operate in conjunction with the United States Postal Service or, if need be, through the use of constables or law enforcement. We utilize taxpayer-funded services and do not risk losing communication because someone neglected to check their HOTMAIL account. I would say you should know better, but your appearance and general demeanor prove otherwise.
Me: Pfft, thanks, MOM. But also: (rolls eyes demonstratively) Where's Ruth?
C-Dogg: RUTH WHERE YOU AT HOMEGIRL?
Judge: Who in the heck is Ruth?
Me: The clerk of this court, yo. Ruth Smith. The one who sent the email. That's my GIRL.
Judge: Oh my goodness. There is no such person as Ruth Smith. You've been had, sir. Now please leave my courtroom immediately as we have actual cases to attend to.
Me: Why would somebody do this to me? What is the point? I had to miss four days of work for this, yo.
C-Dogg: HA. Ain't got no JOOOOOOOB.
Me: True, true. (gives C-Dogg pound, hug)
Judge: Good thing you're not under oath, or that would have been perjury. Now LEAVE.
Me: Y'all better not hear this case in my absence, yo! Imma get to the bottom of this, best belieee-dat.
C-Dogg: Yo I think I seen Ruth walk into the strip club before. We better check it out.
Me: No doubt, no doubt. (gives C-Dogg pound, hug)