So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

I know a lot about cars, so it’s always fun dropping my car off for service. Here is a dramatic reenactment of me doing just that. Me : Here is my car. Please change the oil and inspect it or whatever. I’m having some trouble with the thing that makes the car drive, not sure what it’s called, but please fix it. Unless it’s a lot of money, then definitely do not fix it. A lot of money to me is like $100. Car person : Oh no problem, boss man. Actually, if you want to pop the hood I’ll give it a quick peek and see if it’s anything we can figure now, on the spot. Me : Oh, uh, sure. Go in car, pop gas tank. Car person : Me : Turn on windshield wipers. Car person : You know what, chief? No biggie, I’ll check it out later. Then I go home and wait for the phone call about what is wrong with my car and how it’s not covered by my warranty. Car person : Hey there big fella. Just calling back about your vehicle. Got a question for ya’—when was the last time you had the transmission...

Subject: tee shirts order I'm not sure if you're looking for t-shirts or shirts with pictures of golf tees on them. Either way, we have it all here at T-/TEE SHIRT EMPORIUM the weekly newspaper. I want to know whether you can have blank tee shirts for sale? When you're looking for blank t-shirts, there are two ways to go about it: 1) Email sporadically until you find someone who sells blank t-shirts. "You're never going to find out if you don't ask." - Tee "Shirt" Johnson, inventor of the t-shirt 2) Go to a t-shirt store or visit a website likely to sell t-shirts. The first way is better. BUT, we don't sell blank t-shirts here at this particular newspaper. :( Only graphic t-shirts with witty phrases like "Newspapers: it's what's for breakfast," and "Hey Internet, virus much?" am looking for blank tee shirts with no screen printing. You should repeat yourself again because I didn't understand wh...

What’s interesting about having another kiddo around is this: I had just, really just reached the point where I felt totally comfortable bringing our daughter pretty much anywhere by myself. Case in point, Easter weekend. My wife became ill that Friday, the same day we had a follow-up doctor’s appointment for our daughter. When it was determined she couldn’t go, I just assumed we’d reschedule because I sure as heck wasn’t going by myself. Well, apparently we had waited like six months for this appointment, so I was told I would be bringing her. Our daughter sees so many developmental specialists, I wasn’t even 100 percent sure what kind of doctor this was, or his name. Hello, Doctor … person. I am the father. Here is the girl. I assume you have a file or something? Here is my phone if you need to call my wife. It’s under “wifey” in contacts. She might not answer because she is terribly ill I mean her ringer is on low so keep calling. I’ll be in the waiting room. Everything ended up...

Subject: I'm Syrian little girl 15 yrs old a war victim. Guys, this is serious. Usually I like to joke around about the weird spam emails I get, but there's no joking around about a 15-year-old Syrian girl who is a war victim but who also uses email. What is your name, "little girl" who is 15? From: test [test@blanch.org.uk] Just to recap, you are a 15-year-old Syrian girl named Test who is a war victim and also your email address is test@blanch.org.uk. I don't want to give a history lesson here, but when Great Britain occupied Syria during the War That Never Happened, all the email addresses were transferred over. I'm Syrian little girl 15 yrs old a war victim. The one thing about 15-year-old Syrian girls who are war victims is that they're kind of redundant. It's like, we get it , you're a war victim. Get over yourself lolz j/k. I need your help after my parents and little brother was killed. Oh my that is terrible. Hopefully I can ...

There’s an old Bill Cosby bit about how you’re not really a parent until you have two kids. I’m not sure I believe that—one child has been enough to make me lose my freakin’ mind—but it appears as though we’re going to at least test the theory. My wife and I are, God-willing, adopting again. It will be a very different situation than what transpired with our first little one, who we had in our care at three months old. This little girl—another girl; it’s just me and the dog at this point—is already 2 ½ years old. With personality by the truckload. We were chosen to be this girl’s adoptive family because her case manager came across our file in the system and apparently saw something she liked. I’ve not been made aware of exactly what that was, but it probably had something do with my expertise in writing drawn-out exposes about spam emails and my frustration with the DVR . Surely he can impart that wisdom on this impressionable little girl! That, or the fact my wife is a child ...

Subject: Custom Components Manufacture Sexy AND relevant to my life.  (Friendly note:If you are not the right ones, pls kindly reply simple words like”NO”,thanks.) We've seen this before . Such a great sentence. My favorite sentence. In fact, this email is again from famed Chinaman, Jack Davis. Preach on, Jack. Dear Sir ， This is shorthand for Dear Sir Random Box, who is the knighted Earl of Worthington and who also needs custom components for all his stupid things. I am not he, but this misunderstanding could prove advantageous. Have a good day! Is this the end of the email? This seems like the end of the email, but there are more words? I'm confused. Also, thanks! You too. We are TTi company come  f rom China. Well that's all well and good and grammatically correct, but: what do you specialize in? We specialize in plastic injection moulding and machining field over ten years. I couldn't have less a sense of what you are even talking about....

Our daughter is very much into music. Sure, there are the “Annie” songs, but she also loves the pop music she hears on the radio. As parents, we try to use every opportunity to impart life lessons, and no one ever said pop music can’t be an aid in this endeavor. Case in point, our daughter’s former favorite song, Maroon 5’s “Moves Like Jagger.” This song is important because it teaches us that, in order to lure members of the opposite sex, we should gyrate in their direction like the 69-year-old lead singer of The Rolling Stones. Okay, so maybe that’s not the best lesson. In fact, our daughter used to just sing the chorus and dance all silly. Now I catch her singing it around the house, almost under her breath, lyrics like “I swear I’ll behave,” which, understanding the context of the song, makes me shudder. Also, the album version of this song, which is on the playlist I created for her, contains a curse word, and I have to turn the volume all the way down when it comes up as I’m d...

Subject: How are you?. You know what? It's about time somebody asked me that question WITH SINCERITY today. Considering this is the subject header, I imagine the brunt of this email is merely a more involved exploration as to how I am feeling. I wish I received more emails like this -- no requests, demands, pointless questions about "work." Just a genuine inquisition as to my current state of mind -- with a completely unnecessary period at the end -- sent directly to my email address and my email address alone. To: Recipients Or to like a billion email addresses. Whatevs. Hi I have what will bring mutual benefits for your family and my family. Can I answer the subject header first? THANK YOU. I am fine. A little tired, but fine. Now, about this anonymous thing you have that will bring mutual benefits for my family and yours ... I am interested. I don't know you whatsoever and you are super weird and I have no idea what is going on, but one of my goals in lif...

For the past few weeks, I’ve been making a conscious effort to change my wardrobe. I realize that is a sentence not usually written by a man, but here we are. It suddenly dawned on me that I often dress like a 22-year-old, jobless person living in an apartment. In my leisure time, I only really feel comfortable in t-shirts, and much of my t-shirt collection included a) ripped t-shirts, b) t-shirts with dumb phrases on like them like “Who stole me lucky charms?” and c) t-shirts that don’t fit me well. I tried to avoid the latter, which meant I had a rotation of like four t-shirts, all of which have embarrassed my wife. Last month I walked into our bathroom wearing my Napoleon Dynamite-themed “Liger” shirt and she immediately told me to change. Without stopping I just turned around and went right back to my dresser, and got the plain ripped one instead. This IS that shirt, and I'm glad to see someone else on the Internet owns it. Even my work clothes weren’t doing it for me....

The following is an update re: this .

Subject: FW: Franchise Your Business! Okay! Quick question: what if I don't have one? Thank you for speaking with me today. I did not! You're welcome! Per our conversation, We didn't have one! Everything you're about to say is a lie! I'm all ears! here is some information about how you can franchise your business. Do you have any information about starting a business? We will be pleased to speak with you further, Or: a first time. and answer any questions you may have. I have lots of questions. Why are you doing this to me? is one of my questions. Thanks for your interest in I expressed no interest. AdvantaFran Franchise Consulting services. ADVANTAFRAN FRANCHISING??? OMG that is a terrible name. Sincerely, Rose Baca Why the hell isn't your name Fran, Rose? Also, I have another question. Do you have a picture of what it's like, emotionally, to franchise your business? Cool! I JUST FRANCHISED MY BUSINESS WHERE'...

There were no windows near the cubicle-type area at which I used to reside here at the newspaper. Feeling somewhat suffocated, I would often make up goofy reasons to venture outside for a minute or two like, “I better recycle this post-it note,” or, “I should take this personal pretend call on my cell phone outside.” Well, you know what they say—write enough columns about your colon and daughter and eventually you’ll get promoted at the weekly community newspaper you work at, as long as you also do more productive things with your time than write about nonsense. And that is what happened to me. Keep dreaming, kids, and you, too, can be whatever title they gave me. Not only did I get an office, but the office has a window. The importance of this did not dawn on me when I was setting up the office by tangling myself in computer wires. But now that I’ve been settled in for months, I have developed a great appreciation for this specific window and also windows in general. The best pa...

Subject: Wall clock Supply???????? Hmmm, excellent question. How IS my wall clock supply? Looks around . I have no wall clocks. Dear Sir or Madam, May I distinguish myself as the former. Honestly, it's my fault that my email address isn't more gender specific. To recap, I am MAN who is VERY interested in wall clocks. We are factory specializing in the manufacture and export of wall clock. That must be a pretty awesome wall clock if it takes an entire factory to produce. I am not sure if I have a wall to accommodate such a behemoth of a wall clock. Nevermind, I will make room. Also, I bet your favorite song is Sister Sledge's "We Are Factory." We are factory We have wall clock to export We are factory Get up sir or madam, purchase We have profuse designs with series quality grade. I expect nothing less in a line of wall clocks. Nevertheless, good to know. Nobody wants to look at a wall clock and not be lured in by its exuberantly plentiful design...

My parents have experienced a lot of milestones lately. This has been an interesting thing to witness because my parents were always younger than the parents of my friends growing up. They were high school sweethearts like Jack and Diane, except for all the other terrible stuff in that song, like that part about suckin’ on chili dogs, which is the worst phrase I have ever heard. My mom had my older sister when she was … 22? 23? I forget how old my sister is. My mom turned 60 last year. We had a big party and everything, albeit three months after her actual birthday because we couldn’t get our crap together. Also, I was not even there because I live in Arizona and couldn’t really afford to fly there. I did, however, send money for the alcohol, so I was kind of the hero of the party when you really think about it. Then my parents celebrated 40 years of marriage in February. This was an extra special deal because I’m pretty certain my sisters and I did nothing for them on their 25th...

Subject: [WARNING: VIRUS REMOVED] THE WESTERN UNION TRANSFER OMG YOU GUYS THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE THANKFULLY SOMEONE MAYBE IT WAS MACGYVER REMOVED A VIRUS FROM THIS EMAIL ABOUT THE WESTERN UNION TRANSFER I DIDN'T MAKE I VE JUST COME FROM WESTERN UNION AND BOY ARE MY ARMS TIRED THAT WAS A JOKE AND HERE IS A SCANNED PHOTO FROM THE TRANSFER MTCN THAT IS NOT A WORD OR ANYTHING RESEMBLING A THING I UNDERSTAND. THE ATTACHMENT ON THIS EMAIL READS "Removed Attachment.txt (362 B)" AND THERE IS NO ATTACHMENT BUT MAYBE THAT IS GOOD BECAUSE 362 BIGABYTES? IS TOO BIG FOR MY COMPUTER MTCN : 6255579485 THIS INFORMATION IS HELPFUL HOLD ON LET ME PRINT OUT THIS EMAIL AND HIGHLIGHT THIS FAKE TRANSACTION NUMBER IN CASE I NEED IT FOR MY MONEY HELLO SIR I'M HERE TO PICK UP THE MONEY TRANSFERRED TO ME FROM THAT EMAIL ABOUT THE THING "I'm sorry, sir, I'm going to need you to be more specific, and also please stop yelling." I HAVE A MTCN THINGEE SEE RIGHT H...

I picked my daughter up at school last week and the first thing I saw was a note attached to her file. As you may recall , these notes are almost always bad news. A paper in the file means a) your daughter hit someone, so please sign in case we get sued, b) your daughter fell off the slide on her head and now has a bruised forehead, please sign so you don’t sue us, or c) our rates are going up, please sign and pay us now (also, your daughter hit someone, please sign the second line). This note, however, was different. I opened it to reveal the words, “Dear Mr. Kenny, Congratulations! Your family has been selected as our Family of the Month!” This was very exciting. Our family has never been selected as anything of the month before. It has been a struggle to get along in life without ever being formally acknowledged as better than other families. In fact, whenever our residential development hosts some seasonal function and are there taking pictures, I always fantasize that our fami...

Subject:   WEDDING DJ NEEDED! As publications manager for two community weekly newspapers, you'd be surprised how many solicitations I receive re: wedding DJ. I receive zero. Until today. Full disclosure: I actually do own two turntables at my home. I used to DJ parties in college. By "DJ parties" I mean I would play records at parties until I got drunk and then whatever would happen and I'd wake up the next day and be like, "Where's all my record stuff?" and I'd spend the rest of the day trying to piece together the night and locate my stuff and eventually I'd find it except a lot of records were missing and somebody (me) barfed on the turntables. Also, my name was "DJ Pinfinger" -- I'm being completely serious right now -- because I broke my finger playing basketball and the doctor inserted a pin into my finger to straighten it. College was the best. To relive this nostalgia, my wife bought me a set of turntables for my birthd...

Before the holidays we took our daughter to see “Annie” at Arizona Broadway Theatre. It has been nothing but Annie ever since. It was my wife’s idea, and admittedly it seemed like a good one at the time. After all, “Annie” is a timeless story, and considering our daughter is adopted, we knew it would strike a chord with us as well. It got a little misty in there watching my daughter watch Annie find her forever home. Now I want to cry for different reasons. It was her first show and she barely made it through. It was a huge risk to take a 3-year-old to something that has an intermission, but she somehow pulled it off, even if she could barely keep her eyes open at the end. Because of that, we rushed out of the theater and inadvertently became the first patrons to meet the cast. Yes, immediately after the show our daughter met Annie herself. It was the best and worst thing that has ever happened. There is not enough Annie in the world to appease her. She knows all the songs and si...

Subject: Classified Ads !! LET'S PLACE SOME CLASSIFIED ADS!! YEA!!! FEW THINGS EVOKE SUCH A LEVEL OF EXCITEMENT Dear Sir/Ma, DEAR SIR OR MY MOTHER I will like to place an Ad with your company and i want you to  get back to me with the total cost for the adverts to run for 6 weeks and below is my Ad text : JIMINY CHRISTMAS TAKE A BREATH *************************************************************** THIS LINE WILL SEPARATE MY EMAIL NONSENSE FROM THE NONSENSE I AM REQUESTING YOU OFFICIALLY PUBLISH Ad Text : Barry & Associates, Inc....Full-time & Part-time/Accounting Managers & Sales Representatives. Requirements - Should be computer Literate, COMPUTER LITERATE. YES THAT IS A PHRASE MANY COMPANIES USE THESE DAYS. "POTENTIAL EMPLOYEE TELL ME CAN YOU READ A COMPUTER?" "Ummm, not quite sure what that mea--" "NEXT APPLICANT PLEASE" Full charge bookkeeping experience. Reception and basic accounting knowledge needed. For mor...

My wife and I recently had the joyous opportunity to discuss in detail the logistics surrounding our—God forbid—untimely demise. We figured it’s about time we arranged our wills. Not for us—we’d be dead—but for our daughter, lest our vast, vast fortune get lost in a sea of probate. Our situation is not dissimilar to the one detailed on Downton Abbey , where the Earl of Grantham must ensure he has an heir to inherit his estate. Likewise we felt it necessary to mark down legally who will inherit things like my New York Yankees memorabilia and our printer-scanner-fax machine. In fact, a simple will would not suffice. No, we needed, apparently, a revocable testamentary trust. The cost of that was enough to make me wonder if one could inherit the trust itself. Of course, all of these hypothetical scenarios were prefaced with the phrase “God forbid.” I feel like that should be implied, but everyone involved, including myself, still finds it necessary to verbalize. Say, for example, you...