Thursday, April 04, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: How are you?.

You know what? It's about time somebody asked me that question WITH SINCERITY today. Considering this is the subject header, I imagine the brunt of this email is merely a more involved exploration as to how I am feeling. I wish I received more emails like this -- no requests, demands, pointless questions about "work." Just a genuine inquisition as to my current state of mind -- with a completely unnecessary period at the end -- sent directly to my email address and my email address alone.

To: Recipients

Or to like a billion email addresses. Whatevs.

Hi
I have what will bring mutual benefits for your family and my family.


Can I answer the subject header first? THANK YOU. I am fine. A little tired, but fine. Now, about this anonymous thing you have that will bring mutual benefits for my family and yours ... I am interested. I don't know you whatsoever and you are super weird and I have no idea what is going on, but one of my goals in life is to do something that not only benefits my own family, but ONE other family as well. Also, and this may sound odd, but I had always hoped this family would be associated in some way with the Lebanese government.

From: Ahmed al-Hassan [al-Hassan@lebanongovernment.org]

One of my favorite things about the Lebanese government -- there are many -- is that their email tagline is @lebanongovernment.org. They probably figured that @lebanongovernment.gov was redundant, and I agree. According to Wikipedia, Lebanon is a parliamentary democratic republic within the overall framework of confessionalism, a form of consociationalism and blah blah blah I don't know what any of that means. I would, however, like to add to Wikipedia, when I find the time, that members of the Lebanese government are renowned for sending emails to random Americans just to say, "How are you?." Lebanon's government is super nice! Although their use of what I imagine to be tax-funded resources is questionable at best. Anyway, where were we?

I will like to meet with you in person.

Oh yes, you would like to meet with me in person. That is a very typical request, a societal norm. Let us find a coffee shop halfway in between Lebanon and Arizona and discuss the thing you have that will mutually benefit our families. This sounds like the premise to a Nicolas Cage movie or something.

Thanks
Ahmed al-Hassan


"Honey, I'm going out for a few days to meet Ahmed al-Hassan from Lebanon's government because he has something that will be good for our respective families. I'll call you when I get there. To Lebanon. He couldn't meet halfway."

"Okay, bring us home something beneficial! And have fun!"

She's the best, isn't she?

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