Thursday, March 07, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject:   WEDDING DJ NEEDED!

As publications manager for two community weekly newspapers, you'd be surprised how many solicitations I receive re: wedding DJ. I receive zero. Until today.

Full disclosure: I actually do own two turntables at my home. I used to DJ parties in college. By "DJ parties" I mean I would play records at parties until I got drunk and then whatever would happen and I'd wake up the next day and be like, "Where's all my record stuff?" and I'd spend the rest of the day trying to piece together the night and locate my stuff and eventually I'd find it except a lot of records were missing and somebody (me) barfed on the turntables. Also, my name was "DJ Pinfinger" -- I'm being completely serious right now -- because I broke my finger playing basketball and the doctor inserted a pin into my finger to straighten it. College was the best. To relive this nostalgia, my wife bought me a set of turntables for my birthday many years ago. Now people come to our house and they're like, "Oh wow, you DJ?" And I'm like, "Word up, yo. DJ Pinfinger on the one and twos." And then they're like, "Show me how to scratch!" And I'm like, "I don't know how to do that. I'm publications manager at two weekly newspapers." And then they scratch the record and it sounds terrible and everyone laughs. Anyway, my point is that it's a complete coincidence that I actually do have a history of being a (terrible) DJ, because there's no way this spam could have known about that facet of  my personal life. I don't think.

Hi,Been to your website.I'm Melissa

Hi, Melissa! On our website you must have noticed the surplus of wedding DJ information. For example, our top story is, "Wedding DJ DJs wedding" "Governing board gives OK to build district's 33rd elementary school."

John & I will be getting married soon.

Oh, John? Good dude. Solid dude. I know John on a first name basis through this email, and also you, Melissa, because you mentioned your name earlier. I always thought you two would end up together ... like Ross and Rachel, from that popular email. Did Ross and Rachel end up together or not? I don't remember.

We are currently looking for an experience DJ to work with us in entertaining the guests on our special day.No preference in terms of what songs we'd prefer, just want a mix of the most popular inquired songs.

First of all, who is indifferent about what kind of music is played at their wedding? What kind of non-person are you, Melissa? Also, what does "most popular inquired songs" mean? It sounds like this might be your first time on Earth, and maybe you're just saying, "Play whatever earthlings are into these days." In that case I recommend you pop in Now That's What I Call Music Vol. 443 and let the night take care of itself.

We ask that you put together a playlist for us and just back with the necessary pricing information to discuss further..

Or I could put a playlist together. I've never been asked to put a playlist together for a fake wedding, but I think I can do it. Do you like a band called The Chalkboard Boners? Nevermind, it'll be a surprise. My price for making a playlist is $6,000. Also, when is the wedding, 2014 or 2015?

Wedding is Saturday, April 13TH, 2013.

Oh cool, the wedding is next month. You have prepared well, Melissa, by asking a weekly newspaper if they can DJ your wedding one month prior to the wedding. Let me talk to my publisher and see if he is also a priest, and maybe our editor can bake a cake. That way you won't have to worry about anything. I assume John's family is taking care of the flowers.

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