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Ed Lynch, 1987 Topps You probably can’t tell from this picture, but Ed Lynch was ecstatic when he found out he was being traded from the New York Mets to the Chicago Cubs back in 1986. Seriously, he was thrilled. Amazingly, the Ed Lynch-less Mets went on to win the World Series, while the Cubs…didn’t. But that certainly wasn’t Ed Lynch’s fault – his sparkling 7-5 record and dazzling 3.79 ERA placed him 112th in the NL Cy Young vote that year. Not too shabby for a guy with four chins. It is stated on the back of this particular card that “Ed lists reading and sailing among his hobbies.” So, it’s fairly obvious that Ed Lynch was one wild mother – shut your mouth. Unfortunately, Lynch would later retract that statement, claiming he was misquoted. What he really liked was reading about sailing. He couldn’t actually get on a sailboat because he suffered from seasickness, asthma, and nosebleeds, plus the sun wasn’t good for his fair skin. Many in and around baseball at the time believe it wa...

We just got a new hand soap dispenser installed in the men’s room here at work, and this is BIG news. Maybe it is not big news to you, a person who, most likely, works in an environment with many soap dispensers, and many toilets that flush on the first try. But to us, this is historic. Before the soap dispenser, cleaning your hands after dropping a deuce here at work was not very easy. Sure, we had a hand soap dispenser, but it was small, and portable, and was often nowhere to be found when it was time to get poop off of your hands. Maybe it fell in the garbage. Maybe it was on the back of the toilet instead of the sink. Maybe it was in the toilet. Maybe I should have located its whereabouts before I dropped my pants. Regardless, the new soap dispenser is actually affixed to the wall, so it should not fall into the toilet, unless otherwise provoked. Another problem with the old soap dispenser (which was, let’s be honest here – a plastic tube of hand soap) was that it was often empty w...

Steve Buechele, 1989 Donruss Steve Buechele had to wear a hat at all times, or else a strong gust of wind would actually blow the hair off of his head and into the stands, and he would have to wait four months for it to grow back again, unless a fan was kind enough to return it. Amazingly, Buechele was not even, technically, a major league baseball player. In 1985, the substitute math teacher from Arlington, Texas won a free trip to the Texas Rangers’ Fantasy Camp as a result of placing second in the “Annual Arlington Adult Diorama Contest.” (First prize was a gift certificate to Denny’s.) Upon arrival to the camp, Buechele was extremely disappointed, and called his mom from a payphone to inform her that his “fantasy” was NOT to spend a week with “17 jackasses dressed in tight pants who probably don’t even know their multiplication tables.” Buechele, whose brother-in-law was a lawyer, actually went on to sue the Texas Rangers over the concept of “fantasy camp,” and was eventually award...

*Special Friday edition Brooks Kieschnick, 1994 Pinnacle Brooks Kieschnick is not an actor. Brooks Kieschnick is a fantastic baseball player who just happens to make fabulous catches when baseball card companies are there to take his picture. The story goes like this. Kieschnick was a rookie with the Cubs, and was participating in spring workouts in 1994 when the Pinnacle baseball card company arrived to take some rookie pictures for their upcoming “Draft Pick” set. The original plan for Kieschnick was a posed shot in which he was happily juggling four baseballs at the same time. With no shirt on. Upon hearing about the plan, Kieschnick told a friend, “That is gay. I’m not doing that. That is so gay.” Brooks Kieschnick did not believe in posed photographs. (Even his wedding pictures had a journalistic flair.) So, when Pinnacle arrived, Brooks Kieschnick would not stop shagging flies in the outfield. He was shagging flies like Willie Mays. One Pinnacle executive screamed to Kieschnick f...

John Smiley, 1988 Topps Try as he may, John Smiley could not escape his lovable name. It was especially difficult for John Smiley to adjust to his namesake considering that he was a pitcher, a position that required an intimidating presence. Opposing hitters were often heard saying in the dugout, “Who’s pitching today? Oh, Smiley? For real? Well, he ain’t going to be smilin’ when I hit four home runs off his happy ass.” This put Smiley at a distinct disadvantage. He often tried to compensate for this lack of respect by making a mean face – like the one you see in this picture – but the end result was a look that screamed, “But MOM! I don’t like mashed potatoes!” One time, after a bad loss to the Atlanta Braves in which he gave up seven earned runs in three innings, Smiley was seen hanging his head in the dugout, noticeably upset. It was at this point when teammate Barry Bonds approached him and screamed, “Hey, why are YOU so smiley? We lost, idiot!” Then, Bonds and Bobby Bonilla starte...

Last Sunday I returned from a week-long golf vacation in which I shanked shots and tore up chunks of grass for 10 hours a day in what local meteorologists described as the “heat wave that is literally 5-degrees warmer than hell.” And believe it or not, I had a blast. Every year, my father-in-law and three brothers-in-law travel to some faraway land to play golf for a week. Now, when I say “play golf” I don’t mean that they play like, a round a day or something. That would be, for them, the equivalent of going to a fancy restaurant and ordering a cracker. One round of golf is not nearly enough golf. The purpose of their golf excursions is to cram as much golf as possible into each and every day. Sleeping and eating are only necessary evils that are required to prepare for more golf. So yeah, we played two rounds a day for six straight days, and that’s not counting last Sunday, when we only played one round because we arrived in Williamsburg, Virginia earlier than expected and, well, dec...

Professional athletes are just like you and I, except for their extreme athleticism, lifestyle, ridiculously inflated bank accounts, bodies, and overall perception of life itself. But except for that, they’re pretty much just like us. So, like us, athletes need companionship, and not just from groupies. Athletes need companionship from other athletes. Not in a “Nomar Garciaparra and Mia Hamm kind of way” - although that’s cool too, sort of – but in a “Hey, would you like to grab a beer and a burger and talk about the coach behind his back?” kind of way. It’s hard to believe sometimes, but athletes are often friends with each other . Except for Barry Bonds, who never really had many friends, except for the close group of “yes-men” who are currently selling him out to avoid jail time. Not good times for him. But in general, athletes are buddies. In that respect, let’s take a closer look at the bestest friends in all of sports. Because that’s what we like to do here on this blog – bring p...

George Wright, 1986 Topps George Wright is very suspicious of your actions. What kind of crap are you trying to pull on George Wright anyway? Do you think he doesn’t see you? Look at you over there, happily conversing with members of the other team. Don’t you know that they’re the enemy! George Wright would never do something like that, which is why he is very wary of you. George Wright is poised to take pre-game batting practice. It is almost his turn. What are you doing? Fooling around? If your actions do not cease, George Wright has the good sense to go and tell the manager. Besides, George Wright is sick of platooning in the outfield, and any chance he has to get your lazy ass on the bench, he will grab with the same gusto in which he takes batting practice. That is mucho gusto. Really though, did you think you were beyond the vision of George Wright? Did you not know that his peripheral is 20/20? You’re his teammate – you should know stuff like that. Wait – George Wright has becom...

Kenny Rogers, 1994 Upper Deck Kenny Rogers didn’t always hate cameramen. In fact, back in 1993, he would even sit for a few minutes and pose for a shot. Ya’ know, to make the job of the cameraman just a little bit easier. He was that kind of guy in 1993. No, seriously - he was! This particular pose is called the “I’m Just Happy to Be Here – Make Sure You Get My Mullet” pose. Very popular at the time. Of course, this was eventually replaced by the “Get the $#@! Out of My Face Before I Stick That Camera Up Your Ass” pose, which was slightly less popular among the cameramen community (population: 12). You can tell by his face that Kenny Rogers has no idea he’s about to go to the Yankees for two straight years of sub par pitching. Look – he’s clueless! You’ve been punk’d, Kenny Rogers! Ha, ha! Actually, wait – we’ve been punk’d. Whatever. Kenny Rogers also has very large eyebrows, but they remain excellently groomed, as you can see. Legend has it that Rogers had to comb his ‘brows with th...

Last summer, I detailed the inadequacies of John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman , the fumbling radio broadcasting team of the New York Yankees. Since last season was their first together, and because I’m a nice guy, I thought I was pretty diplomatic in my assertion. I detailed the positives and negatives of both. In fact, here’s a short recap: Sterling: Positives: good voice Negatives: everything else Waldman: Positives: not nearly as exhausting as Sterling Negatives: bad voice, virtually nonexistent So, yeah…that was basically it. But now it’s one year later and honestly, I can’t take it anymore. Forget about Waldman – she’s just a necessary evil in the booth/world of John Sterling, as evidenced by his innate ability to simply ignore her, or, to casually yet condescendingly disagree with her. Whatever. My beef here is with Sterling. I mean, how many more seasons do we Yankee fans have to endure with this guy? Seriously? How many? With that in mind, let’s take a deeper look at the reasons ...

Jacquez Green, 2000 Fleer There are few things as artistic as the self-portrait in which the subject looks pensively forward, while another version of the subject plays football in the background. I think it was Picasso who said that. Whatever the case, Jacquez Green is gangsta . Straight up gangsta . Do you know another player who rocks the 100 percent cotton skullcap in the 90-degree Tampa heat? “Yeah, it be hot as a mo fo in TB, but it get cold as mo fo up in Philly. Ya’ heard?” Do you know another player who can kill someone on the other team just by looking at them? “Hey, do my contacts look alright? Bam – you’re dead. Fool.” Do you know another player who only wears the “breathe-right” strip as a means of stealing oxygen from the opposition? “Do I LOOK like I need help breathing? I just returned a punt 95 yards for a touchdown, and I held my breath the whole time, just for fun. Now go fetch my thigh pads, bitch.” Obviously, this card would have been even that much cooler (if you ...

*Special Friday edition George Bell, 1989 Baseball Cards magazine There are afros. There are jheri curls. And there are mullets. These are the facts of life. You pick one, and you stick with it. Well, back in 1988, George Bell said, “F#@* it. I’m going for all three.” Then, he threw in the mustache just for good measure. The results were obviously fantastic, but more importantly, this enabled George Bell to revolutionize the way baseball hats were worn. In the past, players wore hats for utilitarian reasons (i.e., to keep the sun out of their eyes, to shield them from Pterodactyls, and to cover up the effects of baldness). George Bell disagreed. Bell decided to wear his hat more like a yarmulke, so as not to disturb any of the jheri curl-ed goodness that was happening underneath. Style over substance was George Bell’s motto. (Please notice how the sun is definitely in his eyes. Look at him – does he care? He doesn’t care.) And if the hat should fly off while running after a ball headed...

Thursday Announcer No. 1: Hello everyone, and welcome to the 2006 British Open here on TNT! I’m your host, Tigerlover43, and next to me here is my partner, Woodsrules89. We’re using our AOL names for these next two days because names like “John” and “Bob” are just plain boring, and do little to represent our affection for the best golfer to ever to walk the face of the earth ever. And without further ado, let’s get down to business here. Woodsrules, you saw Tiger yesterday during his practice round. How did he look? Announcer No. 2: Vintage Tiger, Tigerlover. He looked so calm out there. I lost count after the first few holes, but I’m pretty sure he had eight holes-in-one. That’s gotta be like, a record or something. The competition better watch out! Announcer No. 1: No doubt about that. Speaking of Tiger, here he is on the first tee. He nails his driver…Wow!…That shot must have been 400 yards! What power! It’s a little to the left…into the gallery actually…and it appears as though ...

Cleveland Gary, 1991 Pro Line (Portraits series) This is Cleveland Gary, and he’s going to be on the “skins” team, okay? You got a problem with that? I didn’t think so. Cleveland lists his interests, in order, as “working out, grooming his mustache, working out, messin’ with some *#@*$!, and all types of ill &@*!.” Though many professional athletes from Scottie Pippen to John Starks have been credited with the trend, it was actually Cleveland Gary who revolutionized the early 90’s wave of wearing spandex under your shorts, except that the spandex is much longer than the actual shorts. It was shocking when that trend expired. Also, if you can’t tell from the picture, Cleveland Gary did not play for the Cleveland Garys – he played for the Rams. Apparently. I mean, that’s what it says on the back. Also on the back are some helpful hints from Cleveland. Ya’ know, for the kids. “So each Sunday you have to be prepared – there’s no half-stepping.” (Big Daddy Kane would later say, “Only Cl...

*Special Friday edition Mike Tresemer, 1989 Star I am 100 percent certain that, with the possible exception of one Mike Tresemer, I am the only person on the planet in possession of this card. And honestly, I have no idea where this thing came from. It’s not a “classic card” in the sense that people are at least mildly familiar with the player. Or the team. Or the brand of card. Or anything really. But there is a great mustache, and a surplus of the color blue, and that’s gotta count for something. In fact, I’m not even sure this is a real baseball card. For starters, Mike Tresemer, according to the card, is a pitcher, yet, he is holding a baseball bat. “This is me getting ready to bunt.” Also, Tresemer appears to be a member of a team called the Memphis Chicks, which would seem like quite an effeminate name for a baseball team, especially one that features at least one great ‘stache. But upon further inspection, the “Chicks” were short for “Chickadees,” which was the name of a Native ...

Car 26 Quaker State, 1991 Pro Set We break from our usual “classic card” baseball theme to bring you, quite possibly, the most action-packed card ever made. This one, entitled “Car,” was the most popular card to ever come out of the Pro Set Racing Series, which is saying a lot, because a year later they would release a card where you could almost make out who the driver was. (It kind of looked like Samuel L. Jackson, but I don’t think it was.) It’s difficult to determine from the card whether “car” is a) beating the crap out of everyone, b) in dead last place, or c) running a practice lap. But one thing’s for sure – it’s got a mean front spoiler. The mindset behind the Pro Set Racing Series was simple: If there’s anything – anything – more exciting than getting drunk and watching a car drive around a track 2,000 times, it’s not getting drunk and staring at a still photo of a car driving around a track 2,000 times. And I have to admit - I was totally into the racing card circuit for a w...

Paul Coleman, 1990 Topps Sweet! A Bo Jackson rookie card! Wait…what’s that you say? That’s NOT Bo Jackson! What the crap are you talking about?! Well, upon further inspection, you may be correct. For example, Bo Jackson would never pose in front of his high school for a baseball card photo; he would be too busy doing Bo Jackson-type things on various fields of play, like making diving outfield catches while wearing a football helmet because he forgot to take his helmet off after a game in which he scored eight touchdowns. Take a picture of THAT, bitch! Secondly, Bo Jackson wouldn’t be using an aluminum bat, because if he ever did, we would already have our first recorded 1,000-foot home run. This dude is Paul Coleman, who, as the card specifies, is “built along the lines of Royals’ Bo Jackson.” Hey, no shit. But that’s not all. Paul is SO Bo Jackson, it’s not even funny. He’s noted for his “prodigious 500-foot home runs,” “holds the Texas state pitching record of 21 strikeouts in one g...

John Canderlaria, 1991 Topps John Candelaria was so stoned during this picture, that he showed up to the park on this particular day ready to pitch, except it was Christmas Eve, a traditional “off day” for Major League Baseball. And he wasn’t even on the Blue Jays. Luckily, a cameraman happened to be there to catch the moment. After the picture was shot, Candelaria asked the cameraman if he had any Skittles, and when the cameraman said no, Candelaria responded by saying, “I’m just gonna crash here.” Two weeks later, a Blue Jays executive spotted “the Candy Man” taking bong hits in the visitor’s bullpen. It was then the executive told Candelaria that he had been traded “back to his house,” at which point an excited Candelaria finally left the Skydome. Before his baseball career blossomed, Candelaria was a child actor, starring most famously as “the friend who got that girl pregnant” in “Fast Times At Ridgemont High.” He would later go on to star in “That 70’s Show,” and MTV’s “Yo’ Momma...

1989 Jim Deshaies, Donruss – Diamond Kings series Here is a watercolor photo of Jim Deshaies. Why, you ask? Why the hell not!? Thanks Donruss! Obviously, the “Diamond Kings” series was very liberal in who it decided to name a “diamond king,” as one would be hard-pressed to imagine that the image of one Jim Deshaies would ever be hand painted onto a tiny piece of cardboard memorabilia for everyone’s pure enjoyment. After all, if Jim Deshaies was a king in 1989, then what did that make perennial all-star Ozzie Smith? The emperor of a small country, perhaps? Also, please take notice of the “good Jim Deshaies” on his right shoulder, who tells him things during games like, “throw strikes, damn it!” and “grab the rosin bag – you’re hands are wet!” However, noticeably absent on this watercolor reenactment is the “bad Jim Deshaies,” who always tells him to throw over to first base to check the runner. That guy was so annoying. And he always had Jim’s ear, as the back of the card elaborates: “J...

**Friday Bonus Edition!** Ron Kittle, 1988 Fleer Ron Kittle never bothered to use what his contemporaries described as a “bat.” In a “Rolling Stone” interview in 1986, Kittle was quoted as saying, “Bats are overrated. If you can visualize where you want the ball to go, you don’t necessarily need a tangible wooden object to get it there.” And Kittle could visualize a lot , because he wore extraordinarily huge glasses that allowed him to see into other dimensions. Ron Kittle had seven batless hits for the Yankees in 1987, which was second only to Mike Pagliarulo (11). Kittle did not believe in baseball gloves either, which is how he became the DH. When asked why he still chose to wear batting gloves, Kittle replied, “They give infielders the illusion that I mean business. Plus, they match my pants.” After his retirement in 1990, Ron Kittle went on to win the Indiana Air Guitar Championship a record three consecutive years. His rendition of “Layla” during the 1992 semifinals literally cau...