Wednesday, July 19, 2006

A love story starring Tiger Woods

Thursday
Announcer No. 1: Hello everyone, and welcome to the 2006 British Open here on TNT! I’m your host, Tigerlover43, and next to me here is my partner, Woodsrules89. We’re using our AOL names for these next two days because names like “John” and “Bob” are just plain boring, and do little to represent our affection for the best golfer to ever to walk the face of the earth ever. And without further ado, let’s get down to business here. Woodsrules, you saw Tiger yesterday during his practice round. How did he look?

Announcer No. 2: Vintage Tiger, Tigerlover. He looked so calm out there. I lost count after the first few holes, but I’m pretty sure he had eight holes-in-one. That’s gotta be like, a record or something. The competition better watch out!

Announcer No. 1: No doubt about that. Speaking of Tiger, here he is on the first tee. He nails his driver…Wow!…That shot must have been 400 yards! What power! It’s a little to the left…into the gallery actually…and it appears as though someone’s been hit in the head. Yeah, somebody has definitely been hit. Lot of blood…the ambulance has arrived. My guess is that Tiger probably meant to do that. I’m sure he never liked that guy.

Announcer No. 2: He might be a relative of one of Tiger’s competitors. I think Tiger Woods just sent out a message to the rest of the guys here at the Open, and that message was: I’m Tiger Woods, and I’m here to win this thing, and I WILL crush whoever gets in the way of my balls. I mean, I feel bad for the guy, but he should have known better than to mess with Tiger Woods.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Friday
Announcer No. 1: Okay, we’re back here at the 2006 British Open on the thirteenth hole. Tiger is now seven shots back of the leader, some guy. Here he is on his approach shot…a beautiful shot…it’s in the water. Tiger does not look happy. Horrible job by Tiger’s caddie, who’s just standing there like an idiot. Tiger is cursing him out – as well he should be. Hey – remember when Tiger won this thing last year, Woodsrules?

Announcer No. 2: How can I forget? What a thing of beauty. As far as I’m concerned, Tiger wins this tournament every year.

Announcer No. 1: He sure does. Now let’s go down to the 18th, where our colleague is following the action as Sergio Garcia putts for birdie.

Announcer No. 2: Wait, wait! Ya’ know what, let’s just stay here. Sergio’s not winning this thing – I think we all know that. Hey Jim – can we stay here? Yeah? Alright, we’re staying put.

Announcer No. 1: Nice call, Woodsrules. Nobody really wants to watch other golfers anyway, am I right? Of course I’m right. Here’s Tiger for par…ohhhh…his putt misses left, sitting him now eight shots back of the lead. The greens are just NOT fair today.

Announcer No. 2: They’re not, Tigerlover. All this “tigerproofing” of courses is really causing Woods to miss putts that he usually makes with his eyes closed. I hope these other golfers can sleep at night knowing that the PGA is basically trying to hand them tour victories. On the bright side, Tiger is only eight shots back, leaving him in prime position to win this thing on Sunday, if he makes the cut. If I’m a golfer on that leader board right now, I do NOT want to look behind me. I might get eaten by a Tiger.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Saturday
Mike Tirico: Good morning everyone, and welcome to Royal Liverpool, site of the 2006 British Open, where Tiger Woods sits just 10 shots back of the lead. Curtis, I’ll ask you what everybody in the world is asking themselves this morning – what does Tiger have to do to win this thing?

Curtis Strange: Just keep doing what he’s doing, Mike. Eventually, the other golfers will fold under the pressure of Tiger Woods, leaving the door open for his 11th major victory.

Tirico: That is excellent analysis. Let’s check in on Tiger now, as he tees off today on his quest for an 11th major. He’s got the driver…it’s a gorgeous tee shot…and it lands right smack in the middle of the fairway. Just an unbelievable shot by Tiger right there.

Strange: There aren’t too many golfers on tour that can hit the fairway like that right off the tee.

Tirico: I should also mention that Tiger looks spectacular today in his hunter green Nike vest, and white collared Nike shirt. Of course, he won’t be wearing his famous red ensemble until tomorrow, Sunday, when he’ll undoubtedly be hoisting up another huge trophy, as his wife looks on. His wife is hot, Curtis.

Strange: Totally hot.

Tirico: He’s a lucky guy. Actually, I should say, she’s a lucky girl. I mean, no one would know who the heck she was if it weren’t for Tiger, ya’ know? I mean yeah, she’s good-looking and all, but I could walk down the street and find a good-looking girl. He’s Tiger freakin’ Woods!

Strange: You’re right, Mike. I mean, who is she? She’s got as many majors as Sergio Garcia.

Tirico: Wow, wow, wow, Curtis. Wow! That was a zinger. High five. No seriously, high five.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Sunday
Tirico: Welcome all to this rather sad day here at the British Open, where the top story is, “Tiger Woods: Probably not gonna win this thing.” Tiger is already about to finish up his last round of the Open, and if he can make this par putt, he will enter the clubhouse at +4, a full 12 strokes off the lead. It seems incomprehensible that Tiger Woods will not win the British Open. Is it even possible? Curtis, I turn to you…

Strange: Ya’ know Mike, I’m not going to count out Tiger just yet. The leader of this tournament, that Vijay guy, is infamous for playing inconsistent and oftentimes “wacky” golf come Sunday. If he and the other 29 golfers ahead of Woods on the leader board double-bogey every hole, then Tiger still has a shot at this thing.

(Three hours later)

Tirico: And with that 20-foot putt, Vijay Singh wins the 2006 British Open, defeating Ernie Els by a single stroke. A scintillating finish made mundane by the obvious absence of Tiger Woods, who could only watch the action from his Buick Skylark. Let’s go down to the eighteenth green now, where Lisa Salter is with our new champion. Lisa?…

Salter: Thanks, Mike. I’m here with Vijay Singh, 2006 British Open champ. Vijay, does the fact that Tiger Woods could not really get it going during this tournament cheapen your victory at all?

Vijay: Ummm, no. Not really. I mean, I just won the British Open. I just barely defeated a fabulous golfer in Ernie Els to capture my fourth major. If anything, that question just cheapened my victory.

Salter: What do you think Tiger was doing wrong this weekend? Was it his swing, or more mental?

Vijay: I don’t really care what Tiger was doing wrong. I just won the freakin’ British Open! Do you have any questions about me? Do you see this trophy? It has MY name it! Right he…hey, wait a second…this trophy is engraved with Tiger Woods’ name! What the heck is going on here?!

Salter: A spectacular day at Royal Liverpool after all, Mike. Back to you…

Tirico: Thanks Lisa. That does it for us. For continuing coverage of Tiger Woods’ amazing weekend, tune into the Golf Channel, where they’ll have expert, shot-by-shot analysis of Tiger’s courageous effort. For all of us here at ABC, we thank you for watching. We leave you with some footage of Tiger Woods’ British Open victory last year, when all was right with the world. I'm Mike Tirico. Holla.

4 comments:

Miranda said...

This is hilarious. I love it :)

Eat said...

Fantastic!

Anonymous said...

Sorry, Tiger is the msot dominating presence in golf. TO act like he's just another guy playing game is kind of weird. Especially because it's an individual game, not team oriented.

Anonymous said...

You nailed it, bud. The TV coverage of Tiger is nauseating. I swear, Bobby Clampett had a serious case of man-love during this year's British Open.