Monday, July 24, 2006

Classic card of the week




Jacquez Green, 2000 Fleer

There are few things as artistic as the self-portrait in which the subject looks pensively forward, while another version of the subject plays football in the background. I think it was Picasso who said that. Whatever the case, Jacquez Green is gangsta. Straight up gangsta. Do you know another player who rocks the 100 percent cotton skullcap in the 90-degree Tampa heat? “Yeah, it be hot as a mo fo in TB, but it get cold as mo fo up in Philly. Ya’ heard?” Do you know another player who can kill someone on the other team just by looking at them? “Hey, do my contacts look alright? Bam – you’re dead. Fool.” Do you know another player who only wears the “breathe-right” strip as a means of stealing oxygen from the opposition? “Do I LOOK like I need help breathing? I just returned a punt 95 yards for a touchdown, and I held my breath the whole time, just for fun. Now go fetch my thigh pads, bitch.” Obviously, this card would have been even that much cooler (if you can imagine) if it was from, say, 1994, when similar skullcaps were actually in style. But that trend seemed to drop off after MC Hammer donned one in his comeback video, “Pumps and a Bump.” That was a great video, in which MC Hammer was trying to change his image from hilarious dancing fool to gangsta ass gangsta who always has a stable of scantily clad women by his pool, and also he will kill you. (Oddly enough, the image makeover failed spectacularly.) Anyway, this card is from 2000, so it appears Jacquez Green was rather late to the gangsta skullcap party. But hey – what do you expect from a French guy? They don’t know any better. Yo, Jacquez – where’s your matching Starter jacket? Ha, ha, ha, ha! I’m just joshing ya’, Jacquez. No, seriously man – I was just kidding! It was a joke! Stop looking at me like that!

Did you know?
Jacquez Green was sentenced to five years in prison for killing my fantasy team back in 2001.

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