So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

IT’S WEDNESDAY EVERYONE (IT’S NOT) YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS TIME TO PLOW THE TULIP CROPS THE TULIP CROPS NEED TWO SUNS, A REAL SUN AND A SUN WITH A FACE PLUS THREE SUNFLOWERS, SO LIKE FIVE SUNS ALSO ARIEL FROM THE LITTLE MERMAID, WHY NOT, SHE LIKES WEDNESDAY TOO THROW A BUTTERFLY ON THERE, WHAT THE HELL, BUTTERFLIES ARE GOOD ALL OF THESE FORCES COMBINE TO MAKE WEDNESDAY NICE FEEL LIKE MAYBE THIS MEME IS NOT EFFEMINATE ENOUGH, WHERE IS BARBIE AND THOSE TWO GIRLS FROM ELLEN? I THINK I JUST GOT MENOPAUSE WHO IS HAVING A NICE WEDNESDAY AS A RESULT OF THESE IMAGES BESIDES ME HOPE YOU GET SOME SLEEP MARIE LOL MY BAD FOR CUTTING YOU OFF, SUDHI CHAI COFFEE POSITIVE, BUT NO DOUBT – FLOWERS BREATHING IN AND OUT EACH DAY IS DOPE HAVE A NICE WEDNESDAY EVERYBODY

Subject: Hello This email is about hello. Hello , The subject did not lie. My name is Mr Micheal Asomba, That’s crazy—my name is ALSO Michael! Only difference is I spell my name correctly. I am the branch manager of the International Commercial Bank (ICB) Kumasi branch Ghana. I've heard the Kumasi branch Ghana of the ICB has the best customer service, so my hat is off to you, sir. #Kumasibranch #customerservice I got your information during my search through the Internet. This delights me and doesn’t cause me any concern and I can tell your intentions are pure. Let’s get married. I am married, Forget what I said earlier. #awkward it may interest you to hear that I am a Man of peace and I don't want problem, This interests me greatly. I find it extremely interesting that you are a self-proclaimed man of peace who doesn’t want problem. The word interesting was invented for information like this, because it’s interesting. #inte...

It was our daughter’s birthday and she needed to bring something in for her class to celebrate.  We decided on organic strawberries because guess what? We are THOSE parents and these kids need some reprieve from the steady “it’s someone’s birthday” diet of Munchkins and cheese sticks. It’s her effin’ birthday and we’re riding the organic fruit train today, OK kids? Deal with it. I could tell my wife was stressed the night before, getting everything ready for the big day, so I offered to wash the strawberries. (I had heard somewhere that strawberries are like the dirtiest fruit around because of all the nooks and crannies, but until there’s a documentary about it, I need to go about my life as if nothing’s changed.) And I did—a nice, clean, good ol’ fashioned strawberry washin’. I was so caught up in my good husband-ing that I asked if I should cut the strawberries, too. My wife said not to, but I interpreted this as sympathy, like, “Awww, you don’t have to go that far—the wa...

Subject: Attn: MOST IMPORTANT EMAIL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll be the judge of that! I once received an email about a freakin’ bomb blaster , so this is gonna have to be pretty dang important. From:   sematco@sematco.net Oh snap this IS important. Sematco is the emailer so nice, they named him twice.   Greetings,   Your urgent Partnership is required. The urgency of my impending partnership is best represented by the capitalization of Partnership, which according to AP Style Sematco, is a word that should definitely be capitalized sometimes.   I am aware that this is certainly an unconventional approach to starting a relationship What ? Pfft. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Sematco. This isn’t weird. Some of my best friends emailed me to inform me that my partnership was required. I mean, how do you think my wife woo’d me … with her physical beauty and caring soul? Nah—she cold emailed a playa, son. but I believe knowing each other start...

During a family trip to the Pacific Northwest, we went to the Oregon coast to see Haystack Rock. Located on Cannon Beach, Haystack Rock is the giant boulder from which the pirate ship emerges in the classic movie, The Goonies . It was a sight to see on its own, but I almost broke down in tears from nostalgia. I wanted to BE Sean Astin for about two years after seeing Goonies for the first time, and within that span I watched Goonies about 25 more times. As usual, the girls were unimpressed. For some reason, “Hey kids—look at that rock. It’s from a movie you’ve never seen” failed to wow them. This disappointment, combined with the heavy weight of nostalgia, formed a great decision inside of my brain: That’s it. We’re getting Goonies . The girls are watching Goonies . My wife was skeptical, mainly because the movie—she was a huge fan as well—was a little bit scary as a kid. I agreed, but argued that our oldest loves being scared —seriously, she is disappointed in movies that ...

--> Subject:   URGENT ATTENTION:!!! You’ve got mine:!!! From:  "Mr Jan Eliasson"< adm@gerlein.com.co > You know you're spammy when even the “From” is doing air quotes. My name is Mr Jan Eliasson, I am a crime fighter Sure, why not. and Deputy Secretary-General of the United Nations. I was mandated to come to Nigeria-Africa to investigate frauds that are being committed here in Nigeria at intervals. President of UN : Frauds are being committed in Nigeria at intervals:!!! Who is our best internal crime fighter? Mr. Jan Eliasson : That would be me, sir … (frantically tries to Velcro cape to back of suit, puts on plastic Halloween Batman mask) President of UN : Geez. Alright, well, I mandate you to go to Nigeria-Africa to investigate! Mr. Jan Eliasson : You got it, Commissioner Gordon! President of UN : My name is Stephen. Mr. Jan Eliasson : You said Nigeria-Africa, right? Not Nigeria-Canada? Just don’t want to ...

Subject: Re:: Reminder:: Good News ("AS YOU WISH")  This email is regarding a reminder about good news. And I must do with it as I wish, which is write about it for my blog. From: "Mark Ubadi (ATM CARD DELIVERY EXPERT) Mark Ubadi at Safeway : I didn’t spend eight years at ATM card school for YOU to tell ME which way to swipe! Cashier : But it’s upside do- Mark Ubadi : GET ME THE MANAGER. We have concluded arrangements for your ATM CARD worth $10.5 Million to be released to you Immediately.  It’s about time my $10.5 million pre-paid ATM card was released. Here I am burning through a line of credit like some kind of peasant asshole. (“Immediately” with a capital “I” is faster than Jimmy Johns, FYI.) There has been an order from above to release all the packages God : RELEASE THE KRACKEN! … … … … j/k I mean ALL THE PACKAGES! that are being held after the beneficiary of the package comply with the instructions that will facilitate the delivery of the pack...

Good Day, Consider my letter as a breakthrough and lets work to actualise it. This letter (not a letter) is a breakthrough in the same way that a picture of a unicorn is a breakthrough. The joke there is that a unicorn, like everything contained in this letter (not a letter) isn’t real. Nevertheless, yes—let’s work to actualize it. The unicorn, I mean. (draws picture of a unicorn)   (unicorn jumps off page, winks at me and flies away) There. Awesome. Are we done? I was just leafing through the profiles of some names in the Internet before I came through your Contact information.  Seems like a legit way to spend time and an equally legit result. HO HUM WHAT TO DO LET’S LEAF THROUGH SOME PROFILE NAMES ON THE INTERNET JUST GONNA TYPE IN WWW.PROFILENAMES.COM AND LEAF THROUGH MY COMPUTER LIKE PAPER THERE’S A NEAT NAME MAYBE HE WANTS TO EMBARK ON A CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS VENTURE WITH ME I am Mr. Mrs. Stella Marine  This is you trying on names: Dr. Phd. Pippy N...

Subject: Snoop Dogg Dry Herb Vaporizer -----USD7.9/set From: Joyce Wang [kteresacig@163.com] CAN'T TALK NOW - MY HOMEGIRL JOYCE WANG JUST EMAILED ME ABOUT SNOOP DOGG'S DRY HERB VAPORIZER Hello friend, HELLO JOYCE WANG, BFF how are you? I AM GOOD, JOYCE WANG hope your everything goes well! THANKS, JOYCE WANG. HOPE YOUR EVERYTHING GOES WELL, TOO. YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING, SO IF YOUR EVERYTHING GOES WELL THEN MY EVERYTHING GOES WELL. great new!!!! IT WAS WORTH SACRIFICING THE "S" FOR THE FOURTH EXCLAMATION POINT. "LEAVE OFF THE LAST 'S' FOR SNOOP DOGG" IS YOUR NEW MOTTO. YOU'RE WELCOME, JOYCE WANG. Snoop Dogg Dry Herb Vaporizer -----USD7.9/set AMERICAN SUCCESS FORMULA NO. 7655: BE A GANGSTA RAPPER > MAYBE KILL A GUY > BECOME AN ACCEPTED POP CULTURE ICON DESPITE/BECAUSE OF A LONG AND STORIED HISTORY OF PROMOTING MISOGYNY, VIOLENCE, DRUGS AND ALCOHOL > ROAST JUSTIN BEIBER > RELEASE A LINE OF HERB VAPORIZERS > DIE A HE...

Subject: Business matter Vague enough to evoke skepticism yet businessy enough to spark interest. Hello, It is understandable for you to grow apprehensive reading from me today since there was no previous communication between us. I am always apprehensive of people I have never heard from before. That is why I literally do not know or talk to anyone. I am willing to make an exception here, but only if you have a dope name. I am Han (Mr.), "My name is Han. But let us skirt the formalities. Please - call me Han Mister." a managing attorney and a Malaysian national. "Actually, call me Esquire Han Mister, or Mister Malaysia (Mr.), 2008." I came across your contact via scrupulous search conducted by an IT specialist whom I have employed for the purpose of same. Han Mister : One thing I really like is scrupulous searches for potential partners in business matters. IT Specialist : Samsies. Hans Mister : YOU'RE HIRED. The present communication is...

When the kids say something painfully idiotic, my wife will often respond by saying, “Thanks, Copernicus.” It’s been going on for so long now I can’t remember for sure, but I think it stems from a Brian Reagan routine. Either way, this is what we do. We are great parents. And like any great parents, our girls are starting to mimic what we do. Not the good stuff, of course, like having manners and not interrupting and consistently urinating in a toilet. Everything else. So let me set the scene. I’m driving the girls home from school/camp, and our game of 20 questions involving characters from movies or TV shows has devolved into anarchy because they cannot tell the difference between cartoons and real people. (To be more specific, I spent 10 minutes racking my brain trying to think of a “definitely REAL-PERSON” boy who has a cat and a family, only to discover the boy is Caillou. They are almost 5 and 6, by the way.) So we’ve decided to switch up the game. Now we have to throw a...

Subject: 20/20 Vision In 14 days (urgent) I'll say. I just got one of the most eye opening emails ever… This is the best opening pun of any vision-based spam email I have ever received, and eye ain't kidding. It came from Dr. William Kemp… OK. If you follow vision science I do. you know this guy well. Uh, we're pretty much besties. Dr. William Kemp sleeps on my couch if he becomes fatigued from all of the vision science he does. Really nice guy too. A lot of people say, "I don't need my eye doctor to be nice. Just fix my eyes, man (lady)!" I disagree. I like it when eye doctors are nice. I don't know. How I was raised, I guess. But this email wasn’t nice. Oh sh*t. There was no “hello”. There was no “how are you” Wow. WHAT THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO DR. WILLIAM KEMP? Just the words. I enjoy the distinction between"hello" and "how are you," which are words, and words in general. Dr. William Kemp has no time ...

--> Read parts I , II and III for very important background information. We left off with crazy and charismatic 17-year-year-old Charlie falling off the bed while trying multiple sex positions. Let’s see if Polly can one-up him in this very important book called, “Embarrassing Teenage Sex Stories” … The first time I tried to put my diaphragm in, it slipped out of my fingers, flew across the room, and bounced off the wall. We just couldn’t stop laughing, and it really helped me relax. – Polly, 17 years  Thanks, 17-year-old Polly! Hopefully, your diaphragm story will help a 15- or 16-year-old learn to relax before sex. Just launch a contraceptive across the room, laugh, take a deep breath, and dive right in. Minus 1 Neither here nor there, but if you showed me Polly’s picture sans a name and I had to guess Polly’s name, my guess would definitely be: Polly.  Yo, nice Cosby baby sweater, BABY. Don’t you know Cosby isn’t chill anymore? And it’s ...

For parts I and II , there ya' go. I don’t know, I’m not buying them as a couple. This is too college brochure-ish for a publication claiming to keep it real re: sex. Just because Lisa Turtle and Zack Morris kissed one time doesn’t mean MC Lyte would date William Zabka. I mean c’mon. Minus 1 And from that forced diversity we get to the whitest birthday party ever. I don’t know what’s so funny, but it was probably a racist joke. Also, eat fruit much? Happy birthday to you  Soon you’ll grow some pubes  Here’s a tiny-ass cake and lots of fruit  Oops who was supposed to invite Jamaal?  Minus 1 “My parents are so concerned about the furniture. I couldn’t ask my friends home. Something would get broken. It’s better to hang out at the mall or in the park.” John, 17 years  Trust me, John, you’ll understand when you have furniture. It’s very important to have furniture when you’re an adult. I’d probably be more sympathetic if you were l...