Wednesday, July 08, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Re:: Reminder:: Good News ("AS YOU WISH") 

This email is regarding a reminder about good news. And I must do with it as I wish, which is write about it for my blog.

From: "Mark Ubadi (ATM CARD DELIVERY EXPERT)

Mark Ubadi at Safeway: I didn’t spend eight years at ATM card school for YOU to tell ME which way to swipe!

Cashier: But it’s upside do-

Mark Ubadi: GET ME THE MANAGER.

We have concluded arrangements for your ATM CARD worth $10.5 Million to be released to you Immediately. 

It’s about time my $10.5 million pre-paid ATM card was released. Here I am burning through a line of credit like some kind of peasant asshole. (“Immediately” with a capital “I” is faster than Jimmy Johns, FYI.)

There has been an order from above to release all the packages

God: RELEASE THE KRACKEN! … … … … j/k I mean ALL THE PACKAGES!

that are being held after the beneficiary of the package comply with the instructions that will facilitate the delivery of the package.

Those words make sense.

I have requested for a Privilege Certificate from our Sub-Consulate, 

In Mark Ubadi’s office hangs a framed degree from the online university ATM Card Expert School and a Privilege Certificate signed by the Sub-Consulate. The Sub-Consulate signed it “Steve.”

this Certificate will make sure you receive your package without request for more payment and the cost of the Privilege Certificate is $35 only.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – a $35 Privilege Certificate fee to get a $10.5 million pre-paid ATM card is a no-brainer. If you think otherwise, I’m sorry, but you’re no ATM card expert.

The Privilege Certificate is $35

I Immediately forgot about that so thanks for reminding me.

and you have to pay the fee on or before Thursday 7th of May

Oops oh well it was only $10.5 million.

via Western Union or Money Gram in the name stated below: 

RECEIVERS NAME: UFOMA JAMES

I am looking forward to going to the Money Gram store, which is a place, and saying, "My name is Mike Kenny and I am here to Money Gram $35 to Ufoma James."

ADDRESS: 18 TAIWO STREET, AKURE, ONDO NIGERIA 

TEXT QUESTION: GOOD 

ANSWER: NEWS

Me: I’ll take common Money Gram text questions for $10.5 million, Alex.

Alex Trebek: The answer here is “NEWS.”

Me: (beeps in) What is “GOOD.”

Alex Trebek: Oooh, sorry, Your answer must not be in the form of a question because the word GOOD is not a question and also you were supposed to text that to me, not say it, idiot.

Me: what

Alex Trebek: You’re out of Nigerian Jeopardy, please leave.

Thank you and God bless you. MARK

Thank YOU for invoking God on this terrible email, Mark Ubadi. I trust you sleep soundly at night on a pile of fraudulent ATM cards after saying your prayers.

 --- This email has been checked for viruses by Avast antivirus software. http://www.avast.com 

Oh thank goodness nothing illegitimate got through. That would have been bad.

2 comments:

troy said...

I think it's great and maybe even a little progressive that Alex Trebek hosts Nigerian Jeopardy, if awful for the actual Nigerians.

mkenny59 said...

Listen, if you want Jeopardy in Nigeria, you're getting Trebek. Package deal. So don't feel bad.