Thursday, July 02, 2015

Spam email of the week

Good Day, Consider my letter as a breakthrough and lets work to actualise it.

This letter (not a letter) is a breakthrough in the same way that a picture of a unicorn is a breakthrough. The joke there is that a unicorn, like everything contained in this letter (not a letter) isn’t real. Nevertheless, yes—let’s work to actualize it. The unicorn, I mean. (draws picture of a unicorn) (unicorn jumps off page, winks at me and flies away) There. Awesome. Are we done?

I was just leafing through the profiles of some names in the Internet before I came through your Contact information. 

Seems like a legit way to spend time and an equally legit result.

HO HUM WHAT TO DO LET’S LEAF THROUGH SOME PROFILE NAMES ON THE INTERNET

JUST GONNA TYPE IN WWW.PROFILENAMES.COM AND LEAF THROUGH MY COMPUTER LIKE PAPER

THERE’S A NEAT NAME MAYBE HE WANTS TO EMBARK ON A CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS VENTURE WITH ME

I am Mr. Mrs. Stella Marine 

This is you trying on names:

Dr. Phd. Pippy Navy Seal

Lord Dame Gladys Air Force 1

Mr. Mrs. Stella Marine

GOT IT!

expert accountant and head of the accounting department of First National and Trust Bank London. 

People ask, “Why do you bank with First National and Trust Bank London?” And I tell them, “Because they put their expert accountants in charge of accounting.” (walks away smiling while holding the hand of a child) (gentle piano outro) (end of commercial) 

I have a proposal urgent and very confidential business to make with you, 

Wait—is this about sex, or a petroleum consultant Brazilian?

In January 2008 a petroleum Consultant Brazilian has opened an account with a value of ?15,342,500 (Fifteen million three hundred and forty two thousand five British 

question marks?

pounds)

Oh. OOOOHHHHHHHHHH …

We have been notified the depositary of the fund to our bank died of cancer since December 2008 

Our bank has been died of cancer since December 2008. This is indeed a breakthrough letter (not a letter).

and after investigation I discovered that he had died without making a will and all attempts to trace his next of kin were fruitless. 

Maybe if you sent his kin some fruit baskets they would have come forward. That's on you.

After study of all the parameters in this case, I contacted that i could dispose of these funds without problem and the transfer to a foreign country in any legality and this i will need the help of a partner living outside of my country. 

My uncle was a petroleum consultant Brazilian, so I feel like you came to the right place.

For that, I am prepared to give you 40% of these funds and the rest will be for me and after your response, I will give you more details and documents to help you understand this transaction. 

Pretty sure I have a firm grasp on the sitch.

Waiting for your reply I wish you a good day. Email: barsewilmer@hotmail.com Cordially, Mrs. Stella Barse Wilmer. 

Congratulations on your decision to be a woman, and marrying into the Barse Wilmer family. I’m sure the Marines are going to miss you, but they’ll make do. They always do.

1 comment:

troy said...

Sometimes with some of the more nonsensical passages of some of the more nonsensical of these, I like to imagine that the writer is actually a beatnik and that he is speaking poetry.