Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Spam email of the week

Subject: Business matter

Vague enough to evoke skepticism yet businessy enough to spark interest.

Hello,

It is understandable for you to grow apprehensive reading from me today since there was no previous communication between us.


I am always apprehensive of people I have never heard from before. That is why I literally do not know or talk to anyone. I am willing to make an exception here, but only if you have a dope name.

I am Han (Mr.),

"My name is Han. But let us skirt the formalities. Please - call me Han Mister."

a managing attorney and a Malaysian national.

"Actually, call me Esquire Han Mister, or Mister Malaysia (Mr.), 2008."

I came across your contact via scrupulous search conducted by an IT specialist whom I have employed for the purpose of same.

Han Mister: One thing I really like is scrupulous searches for potential partners in business matters.

IT Specialist: Samsies.

Hans Mister: YOU'RE HIRED.

The present communication is prompted by a legitimate business interest I have to share and ensue with you. I have left out the detail of the business matter until I hear from you as measure of security.

Well I have left out my response until I hear details from you as measure of security. WE'RE CIRCLING THE WAGONS, HAN MISTER, YOU SCRUPULOUS BASTARD. Whatchu think, this is my first business matter? Pfft. (It is.)

Please be reminded that I would not have incurred great efforts to contact you for a matter of nonentity or to waste your time or mine.

It's quite obvious this is not a waste of time, Han Mister, Malaysian national. Please, allow me to validate your hard work by featuring this email on my business blog.

Further, be confident that the matter in question is beneficial and legit with no ramification of any sort;

(searches Internet) It says here the English translation for the Malayasian phrase "no ramification" is "mucho ramifications." Is that right? Awww forget it, I am confident.

Kindly, revert to me accordingly for further exhaustive dialogue.

Do you sweet talk all of your business partners like this, Han Mister? After all, I like my dialogue like I like my research: exhaustive and ultimately pointless.

Thank you for your time as I am looking forward for yours and business relation.

You're welcome. Is it cool if I put that sentence in a blender, then set fire to the blender, and then throw the burning blender into a volcano? Cool? Cool.

2 comments:

troy said...

I HATE 'please be reminded.' There's a woman at work who starts a lot of her emails 'Please be reminded' and I HATE that. I hate her too. But I hate that about her also. It's a crime against conceptual grammar.

BTW, you realize you kind of actually *are* a business blogger, right?

mkenny59 said...

If my business is being stupid and making zero money, and it is, then yes - you're right.

"Please be reminded" and "I will like to" are the great hallmarks of all spam. Besides all of their general tomfoolery, of course. So while I hate the phrase too, I also kind of love it.