Spam email of the week

Subject: Attn: MOST IMPORTANT EMAIL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ll be the judge of that! I once received an email about a freakin’ bomb blaster, so this is gonna have to be pretty dang important.


Oh snap this IS important. Sematco is the emailer so nice, they named him twice.
Your urgent Partnership is required.

The urgency of my impending partnership is best represented by the capitalization of Partnership, which according to AP Style Sematco, is a word that should definitely be capitalized sometimes.
I am aware that this is certainly an unconventional approach to starting a relationship

What? Pfft. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Sematco. This isn’t weird. Some of my best friends emailed me to inform me that my partnership was required. I mean, how do you think my wife woo’d me … with her physical beauty and caring soul? Nah—she cold emailed a playa, son.

but I believe knowing each other starts from a step

“Knowing each other starts from a step.” – Sematco, philosopher, email guy

of which I believe I am not making a mistake exposing this very important business offer to you?

I can’t answer that question because I am on the other side of this email and because that’s not really a question. Nevertheless: no, you’re good.

Firstly, let me identify myself without any intention of equivocation.I am Mrs. Ma Kim,

What? I thought you were Sematco of I mean … what? The only Mrs. Ma Kims I know are a) what rapper Lil’ Kim’s kids’ friends call her and b) the wife of Mr. Choong.

the wife of Mr. Choong

Oh OK.

founder of many Korean leading companies

That is just too specific for me to even question. I believe everything.

 but having problems with the government and executives of their conglomerate on corrupt allegations leveled on my husband, which are basically untrue.

“Your honor, my client, Mr. Choong, without whom Korea would have pretty much no leading companies, is basically innocent or whatever I don’t know the defense rests.”

 However, I have a legitimate business offer for you regarding some secret funds deposited somewhere in Europe for a safe-keeping, totaling the sum of USD$150,000.000.00 (One Hundred and Fifty Million United States Dollars Only). These funds can be released to you for any investment you wish to embark upon for a time period of ten (10) years before refunding it back to us.

Step 1: Get funds.
Step 2: Hold funds for like 10 years.
Step 3: Give back the funds.

This sounds like a plan I definitely want to be a part of.
Furthermore, I will be ready to negotiate terms with you, if I know your financial capability, experience and investment preposition, projections you wish to utilize this funds on,

I used to know what stocks were, but I forget. Does that count?

hence, I will direct you to the useful contact, where these process will be concluded within matter of days.

“Hello is this useful contact?”

“Yes it is.”

“Can we conclude *these* process?”

“In matter of days, yes. Is that all?”

“Ummm, do you have a name?”

“Consider me only as the useful contact.”

“You know, a wise person once told me, ‘Knowing each other starts from a step.”

(hangs up)

Finally, I will furnish you with more information when I receive a respond from you.

This truly has been a MOST IMPORTANT EMAIL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yours truly
Mrs. Ma Kim

Peace, Ma.


troy said…
Maybe it's like a Game of Thrones thing, where she's Mrs. Ma Kim of House Sematco, first of her name.