Thursday, June 04, 2015

How Sex Works, part III

For parts I and II, there ya' go.



I don’t know, I’m not buying them as a couple. This is too college brochure-ish for a publication claiming to keep it real re: sex. Just because Lisa Turtle and Zack Morris kissed one time doesn’t mean MC Lyte would date William Zabka. I mean c’mon. Minus 1



And from that forced diversity we get to the whitest birthday party ever. I don’t know what’s so funny, but it was probably a racist joke. Also, eat fruit much?

Happy birthday to you 
Soon you’ll grow some pubes 
Here’s a tiny-ass cake and lots of fruit 
Oops who was supposed to invite Jamaal? 

Minus 1




“My parents are so concerned about the furniture. I couldn’t ask my friends home. Something would get broken. It’s better to hang out at the mall or in the park.” John, 17 years 

Trust me, John, you’ll understand when you have furniture. It’s very important to have furniture when you’re an adult. I’d probably be more sympathetic if you were like, “It’s not like we’re going to break the couch in half,” because honestly, your parents’ specific concern for the furniture is hella weird. But nah—you’re like, “Yep, my friends would break everything.” What the hell, John? This isn’t mother freakin’ Animal House. It’s a detached single family home with furnishings your parents WORKED THEIR BUTTS OFF TO AFFORD. Do you have any idea what it’s like to go furniture shopping, John? It’s like going car shopping, except you don’t get a new car. You get a stationary chair that’s so expensive they have to run your credit. And for what? So Fat Jimmy can come over on a Wednesday afternoon and break it because it’s funny? NO WAY, JOHN. NOT ON MY WATCH. So yeah, go to the mall or park where you and your friends can break all the armoires you want. Minus 2

Why is it that I only have two or three drinks and I start feeling drunk very quickly? Naomi, 16 years 

I don’t know, Naomi, maybe because YOU’RE 16. My wife is 37 older than 16, and three G&Ts would have her hiccupping up bubbles like a cartoon character. Pretty sure you’re not supposed to have a wooden leg when you’re two years removed from eighth grade.

Girls shouldn’t try to keep pace with boys. 

Or because you’re a girl. Dammit that’s an awful answer. Is this book from 1994 or 1894? Minus 5

It’s at this point when the book gets into some deeper, emotional stuff that’s not exactly funny. So … let’s try our best.



The first thing dad said when I told him I didn’t want to play football was ‘That’s ridiculous, I was a great athlete and so are you.’ He just couldn’t believe I wanted to study art. – Mark, 18 years 

EYE. DON’T WANT. YER LIFE.

My friend picks on me about not having a dad. I want to tell him to shut up. What should I say? – David, 15 years 

SHUTUP DUMBASS, YOUR DAD SUCKS.

Let’s see what a “professional” has to say.

Tell your friend you feel happy with your parent, and that he should stop looking at people as stereotypes but as individuals. Perhaps he isn’t such a good friend! 

Yes, perhaps the guy making fun of you for not having a father is not a good friend. That’s a good observation, Liz and Dick. It’s also, I believe, the theme of this book so far. Friends are the WORST. But don’t fret, teenagers—when you get older, you won’t have any. Just coworkers/acquaintances and their significant others, all of whom will typically shy away from berating you for having deceased or nonexistent parents lest they be outcast from your Google+ circle. Plus 1

From this point forward, the book starts talking about actual sex, which is a subject not appropriate for this blog. And while I get that the intent of the book is to educate and inform teens who are interested in sex and/or having sex, it’s still super weird to see a 16-year-old quoted about how she’s having lots of sex and why she [UNPRINTABLE]. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a doozy worth considering:



We both decided to try some different positions. Once I fell off the bed, but otherwise it’s been a good experience. – Charlie, 17 years

When I imagine Charlie falling off the bed while trying a new sex position, he is wearing this exact, half-turtleneck—and only that, obvs—and when he falls off the bed and his significant other looks to see if he’s okay, THIS is his expression:




Classic Charlie. It’s cool how Charlie describes everything sans falling off the bed as a “good experience.” WHOA CALM DOWN THERE CHUCK, YOUR PASSION MIGHT BURN THIS BOOK. As if a goofy-looking 17-year-old who is having sex all the time in lots of positions wouldn’t be able to descriptively distinguish that experience from a trip to Bennigan’s. Dammit Charlie. I hate you. Minus 2 

J/k, you’re the best. Hope you’re still falling off the bed somewhere. Stay safe.

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