So, Do You Like ... Stuff?

John Canderlaria, 1991 Topps John Candelaria was so stoned during this picture, that he showed up to the park on this particular day ready to pitch, except it was Christmas Eve, a traditional “off day” for Major League Baseball. And he wasn’t even on the Blue Jays. Luckily, a cameraman happened to be there to catch the moment. After the picture was shot, Candelaria asked the cameraman if he had any Skittles, and when the cameraman said no, Candelaria responded by saying, “I’m just gonna crash here.” Two weeks later, a Blue Jays executive spotted “the Candy Man” taking bong hits in the visitor’s bullpen. It was then the executive told Candelaria that he had been traded “back to his house,” at which point an excited Candelaria finally left the Skydome. Before his baseball career blossomed, Candelaria was a child actor, starring most famously as “the friend who got that girl pregnant” in “Fast Times At Ridgemont High.” He would later go on to star in “That 70’s Show,” and MTV’s “Yo’ Momma...

1989 Jim Deshaies, Donruss – Diamond Kings series Here is a watercolor photo of Jim Deshaies. Why, you ask? Why the hell not!? Thanks Donruss! Obviously, the “Diamond Kings” series was very liberal in who it decided to name a “diamond king,” as one would be hard-pressed to imagine that the image of one Jim Deshaies would ever be hand painted onto a tiny piece of cardboard memorabilia for everyone’s pure enjoyment. After all, if Jim Deshaies was a king in 1989, then what did that make perennial all-star Ozzie Smith? The emperor of a small country, perhaps? Also, please take notice of the “good Jim Deshaies” on his right shoulder, who tells him things during games like, “throw strikes, damn it!” and “grab the rosin bag – you’re hands are wet!” However, noticeably absent on this watercolor reenactment is the “bad Jim Deshaies,” who always tells him to throw over to first base to check the runner. That guy was so annoying. And he always had Jim’s ear, as the back of the card elaborates: “J...

**Friday Bonus Edition!** Ron Kittle, 1988 Fleer Ron Kittle never bothered to use what his contemporaries described as a “bat.” In a “Rolling Stone” interview in 1986, Kittle was quoted as saying, “Bats are overrated. If you can visualize where you want the ball to go, you don’t necessarily need a tangible wooden object to get it there.” And Kittle could visualize a lot , because he wore extraordinarily huge glasses that allowed him to see into other dimensions. Ron Kittle had seven batless hits for the Yankees in 1987, which was second only to Mike Pagliarulo (11). Kittle did not believe in baseball gloves either, which is how he became the DH. When asked why he still chose to wear batting gloves, Kittle replied, “They give infielders the illusion that I mean business. Plus, they match my pants.” After his retirement in 1990, Ron Kittle went on to win the Indiana Air Guitar Championship a record three consecutive years. His rendition of “Layla” during the 1992 semifinals literally cau...

Rudy May, Fleer 1983 Rudy May taught Moses how to throw a curveball. There is no bigger surprise when first viewing this card than the word “pitcher” underneath Rudy May’s name. Based on appearance, one would expect to see the word “manager,” or “first base coach,” or, “Fantasy Camp for Seniors” instead. But Rudy May proved that you can’t judge a book by its cover, as evidenced by how many fans came to the ballpark to see him pitch on this particular day. May famously referred to Jackie Robinson as a “whippersnapper,” and also once started a bench-clearing brawl against the Tigers when a comebacker to the mound cracked his blue-blockers. In the offseason, Rudy May sang backup for Sam Cooke, and eventually released a solo holiday record in 1974 entitled “Rudy May Is Gonna Stuff Your Stocking.” It sold 13 copies. The back of this card states that May was born on “7-18-44,” which made him 39 years of age at the time of this picture. This, of course, means one of two things: a) Rudy May sm...

Well, I landed the big one. After playing imaginary phone tag for the past few months, I was finally able to reach Yankee’s manager Joe Torre, and convince him to sit down for the most exclusive of exclusive interviews. How did I do it? Let’s just say that my in-laws, like Torre, are from Brooklyn, and once that connection was made, any kind of refusal on Joe’s part would have been the equivalent of him wearing Red Sox underwear. People from Brooklyn stick together, whether they like it or not. Plus, I told him this was to benefit charity, which was a lie on my part. But whatever works. Anyway, here it is. Me : Hi, Mr. Torre! It’s a pleasure to sit down with the most renowned Yankee manager since Stump Merrill. Can I call you ‘Papa Joe?’ That’s what my wife likes to call you whenever she sees you on TV. Torre : Ummm, sure, I guess so. Why not. Me : Great! Papa Joe, let me get this out of the way now, so there’s no confusion. This isn’t going to be like one of those “Center Stage” inter...

1996 Upper Deck, Robert Eenhoorn We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you this special report – sucky George Brett look-a-like from Netherlands signs with the Yankees! Story at 11:00. Seriously though, every time I look at this card, I imagine foghorns blasting, and somebody screaming, “Special report, GLOBAL IMPACT! I repeat – GLOBAL IMPACT AHEAD!” What a ridiculous concept this is. For starters, unless Robert Eenhoorn signed some kind of treaty I’m unaware of, he had very little global impact. In fact, he had very little local impact, hitting, as the card points out, “.222 in a couple of Major League stints in ’94 and ’95.” But this card is special because it is the first of its kind in many respects. For starters, it is the first card I am aware of in which a player is posing in front a super-imposed flag of the Netherlands, with a huge baseball light fixture thrown in for good measure. Secondly, it is the first card where the mini-bio on the back is actually conti...

Kirt Manwaring, 1994 O-Bee-Chee The most amazing thing about this card – besides the obvious – is the fact that there was NOT a play at the plate. The Atlanta Braves player pictured had just hit a solo home run, but Kirt Manwaring wasn’t having it. It was a 0-0 game in the top of the seventh inning, and hell was going to freeze over before the Braves scored on Kirt Manwaring’s watch. (Speaking of Kirt Manwaring’s watch, if an unsuspecting teammate happened to ask him what time it was in the clubhouse, Manwaring would look at his bare wrist and respond, “Time to throw down.” Then he would tackle the guy and try to bite him until the trainer broke it up.) And I don’t think I have to tell you that the Braves did not score on this play. (In fact, Manwaring gave the umpire a noogie until he agreed to take away a run from the Braves, making the final score 0 - -1.) It was reported that, after this particular game, the grounds crew spent fifteen minutes picking up chunks of raw flesh and torn...

This Saturday will be my third consecutive year running in the Spring Lake 5, and, let’s be honest here – I’m kind of a veteran of the race by now. There’s pretty much nothing you can tell me about this race that I don’t already know, unless of course, you bring up the subject of actually winning it. That is something I don’t know how to do, although I imagine it requires significant training, the eating of many raw eggs, and “Eye of the Tiger” on a constant loop, and I am just not ready for that kind of commitment. Nevertheless, this is my third time around, and thus, I feel it necessary to dole out some useful advice to the newbies out there running this race for just the first or second time. Ha!…rookies. For those who don’t know, the Spring Lake 5 is probably the most famous road race in New Jersey, held annually on Memorial Day Weekend in – you guessed it – Spring Lake, New Jersey. It’s a five-mile race, and besides rounding about 10,000 locals into shape, it also forces all the S...

1996, Glenallen Hill, “Metal Universe” series “And on the seventh day, God created Glenallen Hill.” Of course, that’s what the Bible would have you believe. But as you can see, Glenallen Hill was actually formed during a nuclear explosion of sunlight, lightening, and gaseous fumes, all of which (obviously) gave him extreme super powers. And if you don’t believe me, check out his 15 home runs in 1993. One of my favorite things about this particular card – besides the fact that it is, quite possibly, the ugliest card ever made, and generally ridiculous – is the expression on Glenallen’s face. If you look at it real quick, you would think a determined Glenallen Hill is about to steal a base. But if you look closer, it appears as though he’s about to cry (check the bottom lip). One thing’s for sure though – he is NOT happy that several rays of metallic light have just burst through his chest cavity. And who can blame him, really? Also, Glenallen Hill blasted 16 home runs as member of the Y...

It is often the case, in America, that completely random people will get themselves “a day.” This is done mainly so that morning radio talk-show hosts can say things like, “And remember – today is national ‘travel agent’s day,’ so don’t forget to pick up some flowers.” There are other days too, like “Secretary’s day” (more commonly referred to as “Administrative Assistant’s day”…it just sounds sexier), “High School Basketball Referee’s day,” “Morning Radio Talk-Show Host day,” “Columbus day,” and “Community College Professor” day. There are also days dedicated to the earth, most notably “Earth day,” so don’t forget to pick up some flowers, but not directly OUT of the earth’s soil, because that would totally defeat the purpose. So random people and the earth get days, and we all know that the study and awareness of black history gets a month. This all makes complete sense, obviously. But, you may be asking yourself, “In the context of the calendar year, where does that leave ‘the week?’...

1986 Topps Rance Mulliniks Like many young Americans of the 1980’s, I was left utterly confused the first time I laid eyes upon a Rance Mulliniks baseball card. “That’s a misprint, right? His name is really Lance Mulligan, right?” Here is the answer to those questions: wrong. Truth be told, the parents of Rance Mulliniks – the Mulligans – actually had plans to name their first boy “Lance,” but he was born in Asia (racism), and when the birth certificate was filled out, many things were lost in translation (including his middle name, “Rarry” ((terrible))). The Mulligans had intentions to legally change their son’s name back to normal, until Rance hit three triples in a tee-ball little league game. It was too late, because a star was born. Unfortunately, that star’s name was Rance Mulliniks. On the positive side, Rance Mulliniks, like Peter Pan, never ages, and he eventually DID change his name to Jeff Kent. As far as that thing on his neck, I don’t know if it’s a birthmark, or some u...

Kenny Lofton, 1997 Upper Deck I have heard many people say things along the lines of, “Oh, you gotta see my friend so-and-so…he’s SO fast!” To this, I would reply, “Oh really? Is he SO fast that he is required to wear a parachute on his waist AT ALL TIMES just to slow him down?” Then, the person I was talking to would run away in shame, crying. Score one for me. And yes, as you can see by this card, Kenny Lofton, in his prime, was THAT fast. Here is the story. Lofton was the fastest person in the world in 1989 – a world that included the Houston Astros AAA club. The Astros didn’t know what to do with him, because he was actually too fast. One time, he bunted with the bases loaded, and he beat the runner on third to home plate, but the umpire called him out. Lofton did not know that you were not allowed to do that. But there was no containing his speed. So the Astros traded him to the Indians. During his first game with Cleveland, Lofton hit a double, but was traveling so fast that he c...

1987 SportsFlics John Kruk There may be no greater evidence of the excesses of the late 80’s than the introduction of the hologram baseball card. At the time, these cards cost baseball card companies approximately $12,000 each to print (hologram technology involved expensive lasers), even though the retail value of the most exclusive hologram card ever made (the 1989 Steve Sax, which showed him partially naked when you turned it 85 degrees to the southeast) never exceeded $1.25. Not a good profit margin. Nevertheless, the hologram card remains close to my heart. Where else could you find a card that combined upwards of THREE indistinct images into one, even blurrier image? Nowhere. That’s where. I chose this John Kruk hologram because it’s the only one I could find (my other holograms are in a fireproof box at an undisclosed location in my house, along with my passport, several Hypercolor t-shirts, and other valuables). This particular card shows three Kruk images – one of him swinging...

I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention my new favorite television show, “Yo Momma.” I, for one, have been telling “momma jokes” for the past twenty years, except that I stopped about fifteen years ago, when I a) outgrew them, and b) started to fear that I would insult someone whose mother was either deceased, or who was, in reality, really, really, really fat. But I also retired from telling momma jokes for another reason. I couldn’t foresee a situation in the near future where I’d be provided a forum for telling momma jokes; a forum where I could earn as much as $500 for insulting the mother of a person I didn’t even know (unless momma jokes are taxed, in which case, make that $300). Instead, I decided to go to high school, as you can probably tell by the mathematical equation I just solved in like, two seconds. But high school was an obvious mistake. If I had held out just a little while longer, I could have appeared on the MTV show “Yo Momma,” hosted by (who else?) Wilmer Valderrama (who...

1988 Topps Phillies Leaders Here is one of my all-time favorite “team leaders” cards, because it shows two Phillies’ stalwarts - Mike Schmidt and Kevin Costner - doing just that...leading. Of course, these two guys weren’t leaders in the “rah-rah” sense, or even the statistical sense (if so, Juan Samuel would have certainly replaced Costner). They led more by example. Or, just by squatting. “This is how you squat, rookies! Now get me some sunflower seeds!” Schmidt was overheard saying shortly after this photo was taken. (To which Costner replied, “Yeah, listen to Schmidtty!”) It is only appropriate that Topps sampled the “dream sequence” borders for this series, because when I was young, I used to see this card in my sleep, mainly because there were at least four in every pack. It remains uncertain as to how, exactly, Costner got his hands on a Phillies uniform, although this was around the time of “Bull Durham” and “Field of Dreams,” when Costner had convinced himself that he actually...

Garth Iorg, 1986 Topps Garth Iorg was probably the most talented of the Iorgs, baseball’s “first family” even before the days of the Boones, Alous, or Griffeys. His father, Thor, was a relief pitcher for the then Milwaukee Braves from 1962-1963 (and would later go on to manage the Class A Harrisburg Hooligans). He also has a half-brother, Jamaal Iorg, who served as the backup left fielder for Garth’s AL East rival, the Red Sox, from 1984-1986. Actually, Iorg has a real brother, Dane, who – and this is 100% true – has two World Series rings. Look it up. As evidenced from this photo, Garth Iorg was the only major league player at the time who was allowed to hit without wearing a batting helmet, because, as one former AL umpire who wishes to remain anonymous, put it, “He had a head like a bowling ball.” Garth’s lack of power in 1984 (one home run) can be attributed to the fact that, at the time, steroids were not readily available. Had they been, Iorg would definitely be in the Hall of Fa...

If my math is correct, and I think it is, the New York Knicks are not making the playoffs this year. In fact, the 2005-06 season has been THE low point of the past few years, which is saying a lot considering the last few years have prominently involved Scott Layden, the knees of Antonio McDyess and Allan Houston, and a 300-pound Clarence Weatherspoon. You may be asking yourself, “Why the heck is he devoting an entire column to the Knicks, especially when the baseball season just kicked off? I stopped thinking about the Knicks like, four months ago.” And you would have a point. However, when you think about it, this season has been truly special. In an amazingly awful kind of way. I mean, if we’re so quick to celebrate greatness, why can’t we celebrate greatness in the realm of total, unabashed failure? After all, this a team that lived by the motto, “Rock bottom is only a game away” all season long. In fact, I think there was a sign above the locker room door with this saying, and the...

I'm adding a new feature called "Classic card of the week," where I'll profile some of my favorite baseball cards of lore. The first installment is below.

Willie McGee 1994 Topps “Gold Series” Also known as the infamous “Willie McGee glamour shot,” it took the photographer a reported 17 takes to get the appropriate “quiet confidence” look you see here. McGee was actually the father of popular TV personality Steve Urkel (little known fact), yet somehow managed to carve out for himself a nice little pro career. Believe it or not, Willie led the National League in hits (216) AND average (.353) in 1985, bringing the retail value of this card up to a whopping two cents (it has since gone down). So if it looks like Willie is wiping something from his lip in this picture, maybe he is – the sweat of success. Or it could be mayonnaise. Did you know? Willie McGee was not the father of popular TV personality Steve Urkel! It’s true!

Our office is slowly but surely succumbing to the latest advances in technology. Of course, no one is mistaking us for the CTU headquarters on “24,” but, in our defense, we DO have a microwave oven, which is more than I can say for “24,” because I have never seen Jack Bauer eating a hot pocket at 9:15 in the morning. One thing that needs to be understood is that our office is very old skool (the “k” is on purpose…act like you know.) The premises is littered with machines and devices that were outdated as of 1979, but some of those machines are actually still in use, like our manual paper cutter (injury free for 3 years now, mainly because nobody really has that much paper to cut). Our heating and air conditioning system pretty much shows up when it feels like it, and I doubt we will ever enter the scary world of “direct deposit,” because electronic transactions are an unknown, and should be approached very carefully, if at all. But, that said, we are making strides. Our recent entrance...