Don’t get bitten by a dog, starting…NOW!

It is often the case, in America, that completely random people will get themselves “a day.” This is done mainly so that morning radio talk-show hosts can say things like, “And remember – today is national ‘travel agent’s day,’ so don’t forget to pick up some flowers.” There are other days too, like “Secretary’s day” (more commonly referred to as “Administrative Assistant’s day”…it just sounds sexier), “High School Basketball Referee’s day,” “Morning Radio Talk-Show Host day,” “Columbus day,” and “Community College Professor” day. There are also days dedicated to the earth, most notably “Earth day,” so don’t forget to pick up some flowers, but not directly OUT of the earth’s soil, because that would totally defeat the purpose.

So random people and the earth get days, and we all know that the study and awareness of black history gets a month. This all makes complete sense, obviously. But, you may be asking yourself, “In the context of the calendar year, where does that leave ‘the week?’” Well, I’m glad you asked.

The week is given out for causes. For example, we are all undoubtedly familiar with “Computer Virus Awareness Week,” which is always the third week in August, and is accompanied by popular blue wristbands that read, “I have a healthy PC.” But there are other weekly causes that get less notoriety, and it’s about time we as Americans stand up and take notice.

For instance, I was at the post office yesterday, and I noticed a sign declaring that next week, May 21-27, is “National Dog Bite Prevention Week.” I couldn’t help but think to myself, “Ya’ know, it’s about friggin’ time.” It is my opinion that the plague of unwanted dog bites in this country has reached “orange alert” status. Who is doing something about this? Certainly not the president. Certainly not dogs – they don’t know what’s going on. It is our responsibility as humans to fix this problem, and we have until Sunday to figure out a plan, and then until next Saturday to execute said plan, and then we can move on to the next cause. That is how America works. On a weekly schedule of random causes.

I am not sure that just signs declaring that it is “National Dog Bite Prevention Week” will suffice, even if those signs have a picture of a dog on them, and it looks like the dog is about to jump out of the sign and bite your head off. And obviously, the Center for Disease Control, the brainchild behind this most special week, have no idea what they're talking about. And if you don't believe me, check out their website, where they provide such useful tips on preventing dog bites as, "Do not run from a dog and scream" (instead, hit the dog with the nearest stick), and, my personal favorite, "If knocked over by a dog, roll into a ball and lie still (e.g., 'be still like a log')." Let it be known that I did NOT make up that last part in parentheses. Apparently, nobody at the Center for Disease Control has ever been knocked over by a dog, because if they had been, they would know that the first thing to do in such a situation is to start kicking your legs frantically until an ambulance arrives. So I am taking it upon myself, as an American citizen, to outline some things to remember that will make THIS the best “National Dog Bite Prevention Week” ever!

- Do not get involved, in any way, shape or form, in the culture of pit bull fighting. Through my research, I discovered that 100 percent of unwanted dog bites come from a pit bull that was trained to fight other pit bulls by a 12-year-old kid with no chance in life. That pit bull will undoubtedly turn on an innocent human bystander at some point, so watch out! Just stay away from that situation altogether. Like, if you’re walking down the street, and somebody approaches you and says, “Hey, would you like to referee a pit bull match tonight?” it is very important that you say, “no.” Also, if your neighbor has a pit bull, move immediately. But not to the Bronx – there are way too many pit bulls there.

- Do not stick your head inside of a dog’s mouth, even if you are drunk and somebody double-dared you. This should go without saying.

- Do not pet an unknown dog, even if it is a sunny day in the park, and the dog is on a leash, and the dog’s owner is looking at you, smiling, like, “Go ahead – pet him! He doesn’t bite.” That situation has “rabies” written all over it. Also, don’t pet any signs with pictures of dogs on them, just in case.

- Do not buy a dog under the following conditions: a) you are in college, b) you are a worthless piece of crap who can’t take care of his kids, much less a dog, c) the dog is a pit bull, and d) there is a good chance that, at several times throughout the course of a given day, you will have no idea where your dog is.

I think that, if everyone can follow these simple rules, we’ll all be dog-bite free! And if not, we could always put Hannibal Lector-style masks on every dog just to make sure. It’ll just be for a week, and, to be quite honest, I don’t want to be the one enduring the embarrassment of having MY dog bite someone during “National Dog Bite Prevention Week.” Not that I have a dog, but you can see what I’m saying. And another thing. I have heard on several occasions that “every day should be Earth day.” Well, in that case, I think that every week should be “National Dog Bite Prevention Week.”

Except, of course, for the second week of November, which is traditionally “National Try Not to Get Stomped By an Elephant Week.” And by the way, we still haven’t thought of a plan for that one yet.


Gates said…
Dear god you made me splurt coffee out my nose. Damn you. Now we need a - say it with me - "Don't splurt fluids out your nose week".

Seriously, I think we do. How do I get in touch with the CDC to talk to them about this?
Anonymous said…
FYI all- May IS "Better Hearing and Speech" Month. So feel free to contact me and I will gladly pass along to you nuggets of wisdom on how to take better care of your "speech helpers"!!

Also, May 14-20 is Special Education Week.

Also, I once survived a dog attack (on my own mind you- no thanks to the old man who emerged from his house after he heard me yelling help, only to throw his slipper at the dog - miss - then return to his home, leaving in the street alone) without being bitten!