I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention my new favorite television show, “Yo Momma.”
I, for one, have been telling “momma jokes” for the past twenty years, except that I stopped about fifteen years ago, when I a) outgrew them, and b) started to fear that I would insult someone whose mother was either deceased, or who was, in reality, really, really, really fat. But I also retired from telling momma jokes for another reason. I couldn’t foresee a situation in the near future where I’d be provided a forum for telling momma jokes; a forum where I could earn as much as $500 for insulting the mother of a person I didn’t even know (unless momma jokes are taxed, in which case, make that $300). Instead, I decided to go to high school, as you can probably tell by the mathematical equation I just solved in like, two seconds.
But high school was an obvious mistake. If I had held out just a little while longer, I could have appeared on the MTV show “Yo Momma,” hosted by (who else?) Wilmer Valderrama (who did you think was going to host...Mario Lopez? Don't be an idiot). Valderrama is quite famous, and is nationally recognized as “the undisputed king of momma-related entertainment,” or, as he’s known in other circles, “that douchebag from that overrated TV show.” The premise of the show is pretty basic, and manages to combine other MTV themes at the same time. Two people who will never make it in the “Real World” battle each other to see who gets “Punk’d” worse, an outcome that is only determined by whose side is “Wild N’ Out” the most. As you can imagine, left behind is a long trail of insulted mothers. So watch your step.
It is like the “American Idol” of momma joking, except with more street cred (check out the randomly placed drop-top Cadillac in the background), less talent (if that’s possible), and no Kelly Pickler (“What’s a donkey punch? Ya’ll ain’t making any sense”) And replacing Randy, Simon, and Paula is Valderrama and his esteemed panel of other random dudes, with whom he confers with towards the end of each battle. This is really the part of the show where Valderrama shines, saying things like, “He really brought in the beginning, where he said that thing about his momma. I was like, ‘Oh, no! – He didn’t just say that!’ But then he tailed off a little bit; I wasn’t feelin’ the joke about the snake. I heard that one, like a million times. What do you guys think?” Then, the entire group does a “dope hand pound,” as if they’re about to go play a game of 5-on-5 basketball, and Valderrama dramatically announces the winner, to much fanfare.
As far as the contestants are concerned, or “battle-jokesters” as they prefer to be called, I should mention that MTV - like it does for any of their esteemed programs - only casts the best of the best of what America has to offer. They literally scoured street corners throughout the nation, looking for momma-joke battles. Unfortunately, they didn’t find any, because there are no such thing. So instead, they blew through some old Real World casting “reject” tapes, made a few calls, and surgically detached Valderrama from Ashton Kutcher’s testicles just in time to slap together a TV show.
And what a TV show! The battle-jokesters are given topics by Valderrama or his random friends, like, “Okay, guys – check it out, check it out…This round, we goin’ wit ‘cheap’ and ‘weight’…GO!” Then the battle ensues. Here is a hypothetical example:
Battler No. 1: “Okay, all right…check it out, check it out…Yo, yo…check it out,..okay. Check it out…Yo’ momma is SO cheap…that she went to the dollar store and put something on layaway…”
(The entourage behind Battler No. 1 goes ballistic, jumping up and down, some giving each other man-hugs and pounds, while others hold their fist over their open mouth to display the voracity with which their “boy” just “brought it.”)
Battler No. 2: “Aiiight, aiiight, aiiight. But yo, yo – check it out. Yo…Yo’ momma…is so FAT…that she went to Burger King and ordered a whopperandtheysaidain’tyouhaveaznzn! OH, OH! YEAH, WHAT? WHAT?
(Battler No. 2 has made the crucial mistake of becoming SO excited by his punch line, that he says it way too fast, to the point where nobody understood it. Both entourages are left utterly confused, while Battler No. 2 embarrassingly romps around the stage as if he just scored a touchdown in the Super Bowl.)
This goes on for a while, with mixed results (actually, all the results are bad, but they mix with really bad, and totally awful). Now, you may be saying to yourself, “I’ve heard all these momma jokes before. Aren’t they going to run out at some point?” Well, duh. Obviously, the battlers don’t make up their own momma jokes…that would be ridiculous. They use the same ones that have been handed down for generations. But to counteract that, Valderrama and his crew allow for other, non-momma related topics. For example, the battlers are allowed to bring one (1) friend of choice on stage with them at some point, basically so that the other battler can rip on that friend. Here is a note of caution: If someone you know asks you to be their “friend” on an upcoming episode of “Yo Momma,” and you don’t look like Brad Pitt or Jessica Alba, say “no.” (It would be like if your significant other asked you to go on “Jerry Springer” because they had a “secret” to tell you.) You will just awkwardly stand there while some random jackass makes fun of your shoes or the size of your thighs on national television as you stand in stunned silence, wondering why the hell you ever became friends with the person standing next to you in the first place.
But that’s not all. The contestants are allowed to search through each others’ houses in an attempt to find items that would be truly embarrassing to the other were it brought into a public forum, like baby photos, striped socks, their momma, or even penis enlargers. If I, for one, knew that my opponent in an upcoming momma battle was coming over to find some dirt, I would probably hide my penis enlarger (ya’ know…if I had one…an enlarger, not a penis). But this was NOT the case during an episode from last week, which played out like this:
Battler No. 1: “Yo, yo, check it out, check it out…Dude had a penis enlarger at his crib, yo!”
(Battler No. 1’s entourage goes predictably wild, only to be interrupted by…)
Battler No. 2: “What can I say…your momma likes it big.”
It was at this point where my television set self-combusted, as a result of how badly Battler No. 2 “brought it.” Or, it could have been the outset of the apocalypse. Nevertheless, my own shattered dreams of becoming a professional momma joke teller are now mixed with the actual shattered glass on my floor. So watch your step.