Friday, December 16, 2016

Spam email of the week

Dear Sir,

Hello there.

This letter is a final warning notice

  • This is an email. 
  • This is the first warning notice. 
  • This is not a warning.

regarding the death of Late Edward (last name withheld),
  • “death of Late” is redundant
  • “Late” need not be capitalized.
  • A last name would be helpful.

wife and only daughter while on holiday at Louisiana USA

Imagine asking someone where they’re spending their family vacation and they respond, “WE’RE GOING ON HOLIDAY AT LOUISIANA USA.” I put that in CAPS because that’s the only way a person who would ever speak like this would communicate.

in the August 2005 Atlantic hurricane Katrina disaster.

This email is timely.

According to the laws of England and Wales,

Seems relevant re: Katrina.

section 46 of the Administration of Estates Act of 1925 (with subsequent amendments).

Neither coherent nor a sentence. That said, please don't preach to me about foreign laws of which I am obviously already well aware.

My late client's bank has issued me a Final written notice to provide his next-of-kin within 7 days 

Or 11 years, whichever comes first.

or have his funds declared UNCLAIMED and sent into government treasury.

No one wants that. Especially me, his next of kin.

I have been in charge of managing his properties here in London for a long time. There were some of his properties put out for sale before his death,

“I AM SELLING MY HOUSE SO WE CAN GO ON HOLIDAY AT LOUISIANA USA. YOLO.” – Late Edward Cumberbatch IV (last name withheld)

for which payment has since been made. The proceeds of the sale is deposited into his local account here.

These are good, useful facts about how financial transactions generally work.

I found your name in some of his documents

“DEAR DIARY, TODAY I SOLD MY HOUSE. LOUISIANA USA HERE WE COME! MAYBE MY FIFTH COUSIN THRICE REMOVED MIKE WILL BE THERE. HE IS FROM USA. HE HAS A BLOG."

and that is why I traced your email through an advanced search.

You, sir, are a sleuth who knows his way around an advanced search bar. Tip of the ol’ cap.

I am contacting you because you bear the same last-name with my late client.

But wait, my last name is (last name withheld).

O.

M.

G.

I want to know if you are in anyway related to my late client.

In this instance, “anyway” should be two words. If my fifth cousin thrice removed Late Edward was Alive Edward today, he’d call me the grammar police. That was a little joke we had between cousins. He was my cousin.

Regards,

R.cressman &associates.

You are very good at writing your company’s name. I therefore have full confidence that this will proceed accordingly.

2 comments:

troy said...

So it's like that? You just pick this up after like 2 years writing other stuff, and you're at the top of your game? It's like T. Edward (last name redacted) coming back after Korea and OPSing 1.410. Exactly like that.

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