Friday, February 27, 2015

Spam email of the week



Subject: WRITE ME BACK

This is aggressive. Can I read the email fir-

HAVE YOU AT ANY TIME SENT OR RECEIVED MONEY THROUGH OUR SERVICE?

Depends. What is your service? Are you Johnny Paypa-

HAVE YOU EVER SENT MONEY TO ANY ONE IN AFRICA FOR ANY REASON?

Uh, who hasn’t? Where do you get your futons, America? Pffft.

HAVE YOU AT ANY TIME MADE PAYMENT FOR AN ORDER YOU NEVER RECEIVED?

Yes. College. #bu-dum-ching! #drunk4dayz #dontremembernothin #studentloans #collegelife

We ask these questions because your email was provided as a victim of one of the above circumstance,

Seems legit that my email would know first.

Officials in top places


have failed to deliver your payment which the results of failures encountered have left you with no option but discouragement.


It's a new day and the beginning of your dream come through if only you adhere to the instructions in this mail.

I always felt that my new day of non-discouragement would dawn as the result of me strictly adhering to email instructions from an email that thinks the phrase is “dream come through.”

Every four working hours interval, five thousand united states dollars will be remitted to you till a total of 100,000.00 (one hundred thousand USD) is confirmed transferred in bit to you, then after a total of 1,900,000.00 (one million, nine hundred thousand united states dollars) shall be transferred from your paying information into any account of choice completing a total payment of two million united states dollars as compensation to you from the Ghanaian government and West African Authorities on your failed transactions.

Your deft executive planning of dispersing money more than makes up for your general inability to communicate like anything resembling a human, and this plan specifically more than makes up for the time Amazon charged me shipping on a return, which is what this is all about?

Your first payment information shall be provided in one hour for swift remittance at any of our branch nearest to you once you provide your details as follow, Your Payment receivers Name, Occupation, Contact number, Age and Any form of Identity. Do not worry about anything

Oh OK.

Sincerely,

Richard Martin.
ZONAL HEAD OF OPERATIONS,
WESTERN UNION.

Reassurance from a #ZonalHead is how I wished all emails ended, but alas - we live in an imperfect world.

5 comments:

troy said...

DIRECTIONS
- Adults and children 12 years and over: De-remit $5,000 every 4 hours.
- Do not de-remit more than $100,000 in ah fuck it I can't figure that out

ACTIVE INGREDIENT
- Taurus feces (30 mg)

QUESTIONS OR COMMENTS?
- Call Dickhead. Er, Dick Martin, Zonal Head. Richard Martin. Call Richard Martin.

mkenny59 said...

That was a solid summation. And "Dickhead?" My hat is off to thee, as I failed to notice the perfect nickname there.

troy said...

Do you know how demoralizing it is to try to bring something to the comments each week after you tear shit up? I was reading the last one, and I was still early into it, and I was thinking how it would be fun to try to do one of these myself on my essentially defunct blog first, then see how it compared with your treatment. THEN I finished reading your post and I was like Oh my God what the hell was I just thinking? and I vowed never to tell you. And I never did.

mkenny59 said...

First of all, I am flattered you would say something like that, so thank you! Secondly, you underestimate your hilarity and firm grasp of the spam world. Besides the comments, if people only knew the observations you've made when you send me these beauties in the first place, they'd be WOWED. And by "they" I of course mean you, since, judging by the aforementioned comments, you are the only one who reads this blog. So YOU'D be wowed. And isn't that what life is all about? Ha ha ha ha ha

ANYWAY, please send me the link to your blog, ya' big jerk for not telling me!

troy said...

Nooooooooo

My blog is stupid and defunct and outdated and it makes fun of Sarah Palin a lot and maybe you're a Republican and I don't think I can handle that kind of revelation in my life right now.

Oh wait, that's right, you can probably get it just by clicking the link in my name when I comment. OK fine it's kindewords.blogspot.com. But really it's all those things I said above; no one with two daughters has so much time that they should waste any of it on such foolishness.