Friday, February 06, 2015

Spam email of the week



Subject: I have a question about your service

Looks like someone has a question about my service.

Hello,

My name is Karl Butler.

Hello, Karl.

I'm writing you about your company, Wazee's World Laser Zone.

OK, yes, that is definitely my company. I am Wazee.

I was looking over your website, (http://www.wazeesworld.com),

That is my website, guilty as charged. Thank you for putting my website in parentheses in case I had forgotten it, which I did. Hope you like the name. As I am fond of saying to my staff here, “It’s my—Wazee’s—world, y’all are just living in it. Now let’s make some (expletive) lasers.”

and your company would be a great fit for what my company does.

My mind races with the possibilities of what it could be your company does that greatly assists in the oversaturated world of laser zones.

We can double your
current sales volume over the next 30 days.

One thing I can say about you, Karl—you don’t mess around. Now, let's cut the jib-jab. I understand you have a question about my service?

Let's schedule some time to talk about it.

Good question. Let’s.

Me: Hi Karl—it’s me, Wazee.

Karl: Hello. Glad we’ve scheduled some time to talk about your business … (shuffling papers) … Big Hank’s Stool Sample Delivery Service.

Me: Actually, my business is Wazee’s World Laser Zone.

Karl: I can double your sales volume over the next 30 days.

Me: Please do that. Thank you. This has been a nice talk. What is your LinkedIn prof-

Karl: I just need a few thousand dollars to get started and then we can agree on commission splits.

Me: LOL. I feel like I just—as we say around here—got hit in the nuts with a laser beam.

Karl: Do you want to increase business or do you to remain one of the millions of dying (long pause) … laser zones (long pause) … in this country? Up to you, no hair off my ass.

Me: You spit a good game, Karl Butler. So listen, here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna tell you that I am not Wazee. I am Mike, and I am publications manager at two weekly newspapers. Oftentimes people mistake our newspapers for a laser zone, and on this particular occasion I went along with it for the goof. Sorry/not sorry.

Karl: I can double your sales volume over the next 30 days.

Me: I feel like maybe you didn’t hear wh-

Karl: I can double your sales volume over the next 30 days … no hair off my ass … let’s schedule some time to ta- to ta- to ta- (explosion)

RIP Karl Butler.

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