Scenes from Donutsville

My wife, on the road for work, had a cancellation and so decided to ask her parents, in town for a few weeks, if they wanted to meet for coffee. The location at which she asked them to meet was Donutsville.

My in-laws were happy to oblige. My father-in-law was just about to make the suggestion that he and his wife go out for lunch, so this was perfect. However, due to my father-in-law’s uncanny selective hearing, he interpreted his daughter’s request to meet for a coffee as “meet for lunch” and, rather hilariously, was under the impression they were meeting at a place called “Lunchville.”

It must be noted that earlier that morning, my in-laws had enjoyed coffee and a donut at the local Dunkin’ Donuts and, because he works hard to keep a slim figure, my father-in-law had been feeling guilty about the morning donut. It’s difficult to imagine a delicacy he was more averse to at that very moment than donuts.

My wife waited for them in the parking lot; however, probably out of excitement for lunch, they didn’t notice her as they sped into the parking lot, parked, and briskly walked inside. They also did not notice the big sign under which they had walked that read DONUTSVILLE. My wife followed them inside. This happened.

Wife: Hi guys, and wow—thanks for waiting. (laughs, hugs her mom)

Father-in-law: (standing in middle of store, arms open wide in disappointment as if to say ‘What’s with all these donuts?’) What’s with all these donuts? I wanted lunch, not donuts. There’s nothing but donuts here.

Wife: I’m doing fine, Dad, thanks for asking. Also, this is Donutsville, the place you guys agreed to meet for coffee … ?

Father-in-law: Coffee? What coffee? Mom and I already had coffee and a donut this morning at Dunkin Donuts. What am I gonna do, have TWO donuts today. Pffft. I need to eat lunch. Where am I gonna get lunch here? There’s nothing but donuts.

Wife: (ignoring her father, orders) I’ll have a large coffee.

Father-in-law: Look at all these donuts.

Mother-in-law: (ignoring her husband, decides on a sandwich) I think I’ll have this ham sandwich.

Father-in-law: Anna, ham? What ham? (turns attention to worker) What’s the deal with this ham sandwich? When was it made?

Worker: Uh, I think the sandwiches were made yesterday.

Father-in-law: YESTERDAY? No, no, no … yesterday? Anna, the ham was made yesterday.

Mother-in-law: (ignoring her husband) I’ll have the ham sandwich.

Father-in-law: This is not to be believed. I just … (looking behind counter) I don’t want a bagel. What about the bagels? Do you have bagels? I already had a donut this morning.

Worker: We have bagels.

Father-in-law: I really don’t want a bagel. Do you have an everything bagel?

Worker: Yes.

Father-in-law: With a slice of cheese?

Worker: Uhh, we have cream cheese.

Father-in-law: Cream cheese? It’s almost noon and you’re offering me cream cheese? (turns around to wife and daughter, yells) This guy is offering me cream cheese! (turns back around) I wanted lunch. Cream cheese? You don’t have a slice of cheese?

Worker: No, sir, I’m sorry.

Father-in-law: I’ll have the cream cheese. This is not to be believed. (turns to wife and daughter) I’m getting a bagel and cream cheese like some freakin’ breakfast guy (does Italian sign for disappointment/confusion, which is both hands in the air making the sign for money) I mean, it wouldn’t be so bad if this place at least at some espresso.

Wife: Dad, you’re standing under the espresso sign.

Father-in-law: (looks up, sees espresso sign listing all the espressos, turns to worker) You have espresso?

Worker: Yes. They’re all there, on the sign.

Father-in-law: But you have espresso?

Worker: Yes.

Father-in-law: Espresso?

Worker: (looks around to see if he is on “Candid Camera”) Yes.

Father-in-law: I’ll have a cappuccino. (turns back to daughter) So, uhh, are you paying for this or what? This was your idea.

Note: This column appears in the 2/5 issue of The Glendale Star and the 2/6 issue of the Peoria Times.