Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Family initiates equipment protection program



When my brother-in-law visits Arizona, he oftentimes arrives with gifts, like a late-January Santa.

Although he himself would never phrase it this way, he’s kind of a big deal at his job back East. This status has earned him discounts on various apparel, which he uses to his advantage when buying gifts, since, admittedly, none of us are worth paying retail for.

A couple of years ago he arrived with a “ratchet belt” for me, a gift he had bestowed on every guy in our family over the holidays and which was enjoyed immensely. The ratchet belt is an easily adjustable belt that comes in handy when you’ve eaten too much and need to adjust your waistline because of gluttony. That holiday season witnessed all the men on my wife’s side of the family eating exorbitant amounts of food without remorse and then collectively yelling, “RATCHET UP!” at the dinner table while adjusting their pants in front of everyone. I was sad to have missed this.

I enjoyed the ratchet belt for a brief period, but I think it had too many moving parts, and I did not find the need to adjust myself that often throughout the course of a given day. I also broke it. I broke the ratchet belt. I was trying to ratchet down and well … I am sorry.

This year, Anthony came bearing gifts once again and, once again, it was very guy-centric and only for me. It was the type of gift that goes a long way toward further establishing the healthy brother-in-law bond we so enjoy. It was underwear. He got me underwear.

But not just any kind of underwear. This underwear is called 2UNDR. The symbol for 2UNDR is a kangaroo that advertises the underwear’s “Joey pouch.” You’re likely overwhelmed by all the subtlety here, but let’s talk biology for a minute. Every guy has two of something, and they’re kind of like, underneath, and the pouch is great because … actually, ya’ know what? Let’s allow 2UNDR to explain:

2UNDR™ uses a breathable *Joey pouch™ construction that supports your equipment in comfort and style.
*patent pending

I know—I am as surprised as you the patent for the Joey pouch has yet to clear. But the point is that 2UNDR supports your equipment in a way no underwear before it could ever claim. When Anthony gave me my wonderful gift, it was right after we had all eaten dinner, and so there we all sat at the dinner table as my father-in-law vouched for the gift by describing in detail how well the Joey pouch supports his own equipment. Dessert was then offered, but we declined.

All I can say is, he was RIGHT. If the ratchet belt had too many moving parts, this was a gift that actually solved that very problem. Besides a level of support I never before enjoyed in my entire life, 2UNDR is also unbelievably soft and comfortable, like wearing perfectly fitted satin sheets around your unmentionables all day long. Better yet, every pair of 2UNDR retails for—justifiably I might add—about $25, so I’ve been able to check “wear $25 underwear” off the ol’ bucket list.

Of course, Anthony got it at a discount, which is great because I’d have a difficult time buying a five-pack of Jockey at Kohl’s for $25, and I am unsure if I can ever go back to regular underwear anyway. Although I currently boast only the two pair I was given, my father-in-law seemed to suggest that 2UNDR is so good and so well-made that you could, “probably,” go more than a day wearing the same pair. As he said this, I slowly backed away from him.

I do not intend on taking his hypothetical advice, and instead look forward to receiving pairs of this very special, patent-pending underwear as gifts for the rest of my life. For example, Valentine’s Day is Saturday. (If you’re that cheap, talk to Anthony.)

Note: This column appears in the 2/12 issue of The Glendale Star and the 2/13 issue of the Peoria Times.

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