Friday, February 13, 2015

Spam email of the week



Subject: UN COMPENSATION FUND OFFER FOR YOU

It’s unclear whether the United Nations is offering me compensation—which would be completely understandable considering the finances I have fronted from my throne of diplomacy—or whether someone is un-compensating me for something—equally understandable considering my former, rarely spoken of Robinhood-esque background.

DEAR BENEFICIARY
 
This letter is written to you in order to change your life from today.

Cool.

I am Rev Mike Donald Duck the Director,

I can’t. I’m out. (packs suitcase, leaves)










(three months later)

I ran out of funds in the wilderness so I guess I have to listen to what the good Reverend Mike Donald Duck has to say.

International Remittance Department of this Bank, my Boss, Mr. Jacobs M. Ajekigbe, the Managing Director/CEO of this bank is now on compulsory leave and all power have been vested on me to make all international payments.

I bet your uncle Scrooge McDuck is hella pissed.

Be informed that the Federal Government have approved the release of part-payment of$7.5M(Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) out of your total funds, which has been in this bank for many years unclaimed because my boss Mr. Jacobs Ajekigbe, elaboration with the Governor of Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) have refused to tell you the truth on how to claim your fund this is because he has been using the interest accumulated from your fund every year to enrich himself without your knowledge,

I want to get this straight because I am having a really hard time with this. So you’re a reverend, the director of a Nigerian bank, AND America’s most famous duck? I am having considerably more difficulty grasping this than the revelation that my arch-nemesis is a villain named "Jacobs (plural) [random assortment of letters]."

I want to help you pull out this fund to your bank account using the easiest and the quickest method,

The quickest method, technically, involves me and an ATM card. But something tells me that Rev. Mike Donald Duck has a different plan.

By this method, you will open a domiciliary account with this bank (First Bank of Nigeria), your fund would be lodged into this domiciliary account and your fund will be paid in directly to any bank of your choice.

I enjoy the idea of my money being lodged into something, and I am assuming a domiciliary account consists of a gigantic, artificial clown head, my $7.5 million carelessly stuffed into its mouth. If so, that is my bank of choice.

As a good Christian,

It’s not surprising Donald Duck is Christian because a) he’s a reverend, obvs, and b) he proudly appeared in the Christian film, “Mickey’s Christmas Carol.”

I have nothing to gain by keeping your fund,

Except my fund. But whatevs.

I want to assist you receive your fund before my boss resumes office.

In conclusion, I have just spent a good hour of my precious time on earth analyzing an email in which Donald Duck urges me to contact him about $7.5 million before his boss, Jacobs, gets back in the office. Goodbye, everyone—I’m off to figure out at what point on the road of life I made a wrong turn.

1 comment:

troy said...

What would you give to be a fly on the wall when Rev Mike Donald Duck's boss gets back and finds out he won't be getting the sweet vig on that $7.5 mil anymore, no? I would keep some of that cache handy, because I know a revernd who's gonna be looking for work pretty soon.

Also, Mike. He's the director of the bank, and he goes by Mike. *I* go by Mike, dating back to when I was a sportswriter, and didn't like Michael for a byline. But I was not the director of the Central Bank of Nigeria (you know, the way Rev Mike Donald Duck is). But we cannot in good faith give this the attention it deserves, because in 'Rev Mike Donald Duck,' the 'Mike' is the least ridiculous part. These are the wheels within wheels that I really think only you and I understand.