Spam email of the week

Subject: SHIPMENT

Amazon, is that you? (checks to see who email is from)

From: webweboffice90@yahoo.pt

Oh, it’s web web office 90, a place I order from regularly on the web web. Everything is cool cool.

Dear owner,

I own, alright. I own the sh*t out of things.

I am Mr. David Ellis, Head Officer-in-Charge, Administrative Service Inspection Unit United Nations Inspection Agency in Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport Atlanta, Georgia.

Can they fit all that on your Head Officer-in-Charge (lol) badge, or is it just like:

Mr. David Ellis, HOiC, ASIUUNIA, H-JIAAG

My point is, you are stupid.

During our investigation,

Provide context much? Boom, roasted.

I discovered an abandoned shipment through a Diplomat from United Kingdom which was transferred from JF Kennedy Airport to our facility here in Atlanta, and when scanned it revealed an undisclosed sum of money in 2 Metal Trunk Boxes 

I don't mean to cut you off but how much do these metal trunk boxes weigh? I need to know how much these metal trunk boxes weigh before proceeding.

weighing approximately 110kg each.

Thank you. I can now make an informed decision. My decision is yes.

The consignment was abandoned because the Content was not properly declared by the consignee as money rather it was declared as personal effect/classified document to either avoid diversion by the Shipping Agent or confiscation by the relevant authorities.

Just so I’m clear, standard operating procedure at Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport in Atlanta is that, when two metal trunks containing straight cash homey is not properly declared by a consignee, you email the publications manager at two weekly newspapers near Phoenix, Ariz. to see if maybe he wants it because DOES ANYONE HAVE A BETTER IDEA.

By my assessment, each of the boxes contains about $4M or more.

Maybe you can make a better assessment by actually counting the money? I don’t know.

They are still left in the airport storage facility till today. The Consignments like I said are two metal trunk boxes weighing about 65kg each

Whoa HOLD UP. You said the boxes were 110kg each. What the heck, yo? Even if you messed up earlier and meant combined, that still doesn’t add up. How am I supposed to adequately prepare my consignment butler to lift metal trunk boxes if you’re giving me conflicting kilogram information? You want her to throw her back out or somethin’?

Honestly, I find your attention to the weight of these boxes—though inconsistent—to be off-putting considering you are seemingly comfortable guesstimating as to the actual amount of money inside them.

As I did say again, the shipper abandoned it and ran away

I did not know he ran away. That is hilarious. Did anyone catch him? Was this on “Cops?”

I am ready to assist you in any way I can for you to get back this packages

Get back?

provided you will also give me something out of it (financial gratification)

That is gross. You are gross.

You can either come in person

Uhhh

or you engage the services of a secure shipping/delivery Company/agent that will provide the necessary security that is required to deliver the package to your doorstep or the destination of your choice.

Can I employ a fictional character to do this? Like Punjab? I am sending Punjab. Deal with it.

I need all the guarantee that I can get from you before I can get involved in this project.

Indeed it is you and not me who should rightfully require reassurance that this is all real. My point is, you are stupid.