Thursday, December 04, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL PLC.

I have dealt with a lot of banks in my day - my favorite being BANK - but I've never heard of ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL.

ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL PLC.
Zenith Holdings Plc
8 Canada Square.
Victoria Island Lagos Airport
Road E14 5HQ. Nigeria.
Telephone: +2348120635166`


ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL is a bank at 8 Canada Square in Victoria Island but also in Nigeria. In an airport. You can doubt - though I wouldn't - ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL's zenith-ness, but you can never doubt ZENITH BANK INTERNATIONAL's international-ness.

                   Attention: Attention: Attention,

I know this letter will come to you as surprise one but I want you to read
this with maturity.


OK, poopyface.

This day, one Mrs. Cynthia Edward, came to my office
to let us know that you are DEAD,


omg

and before your death, you instructed
her to come for the claim of your funds in the tune of US$2, Million that
was long abandoned in your name with this bank (ZENITH INTERNATIONAL BANK
PLC) this is what we want to verify from you before we make the payment to
who came for the claim.


You can convince someone they are dead, and you can convince someone they have $2 million in a foreign bank, but you can't do both.

"Oh yeah? Watch me." - this email

(:I) Did you authorize Mrs. Cynthia Edward to come for your claim?
(ii) Are you truly Dead OR Alive?


To answer question chubby face emoticon: no. Unless Mrs. Cynthia Edward is a spy who disguised herself as my loving wife for the past decade. In which case, maybe yes. Oopsies.

To answer question ii: here. Unless, is this Heaven? And I am STILL getting spam emails? Sheesh.

If (NO) you are hereby advice as a matter of urgency to reconfirm the
details of this message within 24hours, hence your funds shall be wired
into her account without any more delay.


I will do anything to stop this from happening. Can I send you my personal identification number, which is a thing? Will that help?

Your personal identification to enable us confirms you are not dead.

OK.

Furthermore, this bank discovered that you have been dealing with some bad
eggs officials whom SCAMED some money from you without doing the right
thing,


Bad Eggs Officials: We have a bunch of money for you. You just have to give us a little bit of money so we can get it to you. Honest.

Good Egg Mike: Something smells rotten.

Bad Eggs Officials: What? Pfft. It's probably you. You farted.

Good Egg Mike: Oh. Sorry.

Bad Eggs Officials: We are not SCAMing you. We want to do the right thing. Please give us the money.

Good Egg Mike: OK.

soml

This message demand urgent attention, the bank is waiting to hear from
you; do call this below direct number.

Mobile Direct Hot Line: (+2348120635166)


Mobile direct hotline: Mobile direct hotline, how can we help you?

Good Egg Mike: I READ THE LETTER WITH MATURITY AND I'M NOT DEAD, THE BAD EGGS OFFICIALS ARE TRYING TO TRICK ME I WANT MY $2 MILLION BACK, DON'T GIVE IT TO CYNTHIA

Mobile direct hotline: (Seinfeld voice) Who is this?

3 comments:

troy said...

I was gonna remark on the irony of their use, in the middle of all that Spamglish, of 'whom,' and then I saw they used it wrong.

mkenny59 said...

"Spamglish?" Love that. To who it may concern.

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