Spam email of the week

Subject: THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR FUNDS.

Finally.

I am Rev. Tody Anderson. a computer scientist working with central bank of Nigeria. I just started work with C.B.N. and I came across your file which was marked X and your released disk painted RED, I took time to study it and found out that you have paid VIRTUALLY all fees but the fund was not released to you.

You may or may not recall that I’ve been down the CBN/red disk road before, courtesy of our good friend, Miss. Faith Okeke, a real person who is real. Like Miss. Faith before him, Rev. Tody Anderson mentions how life in Nigeria is similar to life in the mafia. Unlike Miss. Faith, the good reverend gets hella specific.

Listed below are the mafias and banks behind the non release of your funds that I managed to sneak out for your kind perusal.

While I appreciate being provided information about the multiple mafias responsible for my seat within middle class, you can rest assured, Rev. Tody, I will NOT be perusing this list kindly.

1) Mr.ALfred Daniels
> 2) Mr.Dr.Kofi Hassan
> 3) Mr.Thomas Brown
> 4) Pastor Mailer Desmond

Get it straight, Desmond—are you a pastor or a mailer? You can preach the Lord’s word, and you can mail out packages, but ya’ can’t do both, bruh.

> 5) Mr.Fred Rex

We’re only at No. 5 and you’re not even trying, Reverend.

> 6) Mr. perter Anderson
> 7) Barrister Ucheuzo Williams
> 8) Mrs. Bisi Carson
> 9) Dr. Patrick Aziza
> Deputy Governor - Policy / Board Member
> 10) Mr. Tunde Lemon
> Deputy Governor - Financial Sector Surveillance / Board Member
> 11) Mrs. W. D. A. Mshelia
> Deputy Governor - Corporate Services / Board Members
> 12) Mrs. Okonjo Iweala
> 13) Mrs. Rita Ekwesili
> 14) Barr Jacob Onyema
> 15) Dr. Godwin Oboh: Director Union Bank Of Nigeria.
> 16) Mr. John Collins: Global Diplomat Director.
> 17) Foreign fund diplomatic courier

Ms. Fund, if you’re nasty.

> 18) Barr. Becky Owens
> 19) Rev. Steven Jones
> 20) Bank of Africa

obvs

> 21) Mrs. Debbie Hargrove
> 22) Mr. Michael Wagner
> 23) Barr. Isa Farid
> 24) Dr. Raymond Faye
> 25) Ibraheem Fashola
> 26) Dr. Leslie Fawaz
> 27) Mercy Fajaroo
> 28) Walter K. Falana
> 29) Azeez Fatou
> 30) Ibrahim Fabumi
> 31) Daniel Faras
> 32) Michael Faras
> 33) Minassa Fernandez
> 34) Viresh Fernando
> 35) Deacon Diende Fernandez
> 36) Ben Felix
> 37) Dr. Ige Femi
> 38) Chen Hsiu Fei
> 39) Gloria Festus
> 40) Lopez Fernando
> 41) Aloye Fidelis
> 42) Augusto Fish

Augusto Fish is my all-time favorite person who has never existed. Even though he conspired to steal my money. I can't stay mad at you, Augusto Fish!

> 43) Dr. Raymond Fingesi
> 44) Dr. Martin Fibu
> 45) Joseph Finn
> 46) Ogom Fidelis
> 47) Jennifer H. Fiedler
> 48) Dr. Jimmy Fowler
> 49) Robert Fortin
> 50) Dr. Sharon Forrest
> 51) Prince Michael Fofano
> 52) Sarah Fofano
> 53) Tony Foster
> 54) Dr. Koman Fofar
> 55) Samuel Fona
> 56) Grace Fona
> 57) Funmi Folorunso
> 58) Mike Franklin
> 59) Egbo Francois
> 60) George Freeman
> 61) Senator Jude Fred

Senator Jude Fred is like the corrupt senator from The Godfather Part II who accidentally killed that prostitute. I imagine. Not saying Senator Jude Fred did that. (He did though.)

> 62) Paul Frank
> 63) Dr. Francis Fregere
> 64) Walter Frank
> 65) Olu-Segun Fredrick
> 66) Justice Philip Francis
> 67) Raul Franco
> 68) Desmond Fred
> 69) Madu Frank
> 70) Rita Frank
> 71) Godwin Frank
> 72) Dr. J. Frances
> 73) Frank Francis
> 74) Derrick Frans
> 75) Kingsley Fred

If anyone is counting, that makes three people on this list of Nigerian mafia names whose last name is Fred. Last name. Of these three, Kingsley Fred is the winner. There are also five mafiosos whose last name is Frank, six if we include Frank Francis, which I am reading as Frank Frank. So yeah, let’s make it six.

> 76) Dr. Carlos Frederico
> 77) Dr Ola Funmilowo
> 78) Alan Fumbi
> 79) Vincent Fuso
> 80) Dr. John Fugar
> 81) William Funsho
> 82) Michael Funsho

No relation. J/k IT’S THE FAMOUS FUNSHO BROTHERS, Y’ALL. (circus music plays) Bout to take the Nigerian mafia—and your money—to new heights. (Funsho Bros. walk on tightrope while holding wads of cash; crowd oohs and ahhs)

> 83) Shahla Ghasemi
> 84) Ali-Reza Ghasemi
> 85) Martins Gambari
> 86) Jim Gallo
> 87) Paulo Gato
> 88) Ben Gafhar
> 89) Byron Gate
> 90) Arthur Gai
> 91) Shinder Gangar
> 92) Lopez Garvin
> 93) Abdul Gafah
> 94) Dr. Rufus Gaba
> 95) Alhaji Garba
> 96) Dr. Frank Gani
> 97) Brigadier Williams Gal
> 98) Egonna Duru Gal
> 99) Lucky Garbi
> 100)Sadique Gadaffi
> 101) Federick Ike Ganziri
> 102) Dr. Dennis Gavey
> 103) Jose Sanchez Garcia

This list is racist.

> 104) Ahmed Gana
> 105) Jose A. Garcia
> 106) Major Archie Gates
> 107) Bavolleni Gallilo
> 108) Musa Galadima
> 109) Shehu Galadima
> 110) Barr. Imam Galadima
> 111) Barr. Jerry Galadima
> 112) Mustapha Gambo
> 113) Dr. Isah Gambo
> 114) Usman Gambo
> 115) Engr. Isaac Garuba
> 116) Alhani Azeez Garuba
> 117) Engr. Sule Garuba
> 118) Idris Garuba
> 119) Mustapha Garuba
> 120) ADB Bank Ouagadougou Burkina Faso
> 121) FSA UK
> 122) NATWEST BANK
> 123) ECO Bank
> 124) Credit Bank
> 125) Barr Greg Thompson
> 126) Mr Bello
> 127)Jones Williams
> 128)Scott Daniel
> 129)Thomas Brown
> 130)Kealvin Jeff
> 131)Peter Jeff
> 132)Patric K.

“We’ve run out of names.” – Mik E.

> 133)Bisi Carlson
> 134)Dr.Malasy Honju

And there you have it folks, the 2014 Nigeria mafia. Let’s give them a hand! And, better yet as my good buddy Mike G. points out, only 134 people stand between me and my fortune. One hundred thirty-two if the Funsho Bros. “accidentally” fall off the trapeze. Anyway, gotta get to work!