Friday, December 05, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: furniture

Again? This time it will be legit. Fool me once with furniture-themed emails, shame on you. For doing that. Fool me twice though with furniture-themed emails? Shame on you again because why are you doing this? What's that? You're totes not fooling me? You promise this is for realsies? OK. I am no fool.

Hello Sir,

See? They know I'm a dude. Hello.

Hope you are fine.

I am fine. Thank you. I hope you are fine, too. This is appropriate small talk and I am convinced this email is good and worthy of my time.

Glad to know you from online

OK, sure I guess. If by "online" you mean "Microsoft Outlook" and if by "know" you mean "have emailed" then what you say is true and nice.

and do hope this email will not bother you.

Awwww, you are sweet. And no bother. I mean, your email WAS repeatedly knocking on the bathroom door while I was trying to make a poopy earlier, but that is OK.

This is Maggie from Yuemingqi Furniture Co., LTD, which specializes in manufacturing and exporting a veriaty home furniture,

Grammar fun fact: There are a veriaty of ways to spell variety.

Furniture fun fact: Can't name your furniture business? Eat alphabet soup for 14 days straight, make a poopy and then, wala.

such as dining table, dining chair, coffee table and so on.

Thank you for providing these fine examples of furniture because I did not know what furniture was. Is an end table furniture or is it a crustacean? Maybe my good friend desk knows ... (rubs desk while saying, "Is an end table furniture, Deskie Weskie?") ... he doesn't know.

We have engaged in man


Uhhh

We have engaged in exporting for more than 7 years

(raises hand) Can we go back a sec? Earlier when you said "We have engaged in man," were you reverse coming out of the closet or did you start writing something, give up, and just leave it in there? Don't worry - either way I am buying like 35 coffee tables - I'm just curious.

and our main market are Europe (Spain, France, Germany, Netherland, Denmark, Poland, Switzerland, Norway, Russia, Belgium, Italy etc), Western Africa, Middle East, Australia, US, UK.

That is a lot of main market! Since "UK" didn't make the parenthetical "Europe" cut, I am going to assume that all the beds and desks at University of Kentucky are courtesy of Yuemingqi Furniture Co., LTD. Go Wildcats!

Our main products are coffee table (MDF, fiber glass, glass-metal), dining table (MDF with high glossy painting or covered with paper, glass-metal, MDF-metal)  and dining chair. And OEM and DIY design are available. If possible,I do hope we can talk more with you.

Me: Hello, Yuemingqi Furniture place?

Yuemingqi: Yes?

Me: I want to order furniture but I have a problem. I understand your most popular product is the dining table MDF with high glossy painting or covered with paper, glass-metal, MDF-metal. I want to order that but my wife is allergic to MDF metal and also glass-metal. So should I get a divorce or do you have another option?

Yuemingqi: Our other popular product is coffee table MDF, fiber glass, glass-metal.

Me: I feel like maybe you didn't listen to my problem.

Yuemingqi: And OEM and DIY design are available.

Me: OK. Is that good? What does that mean?

Yuemingqi: And OEM and DIY design are available.

Me: I think I might call Bob's Furniture Outlet on 59th.

Yuemingqi: We have engaged in man

Me: What?

Yuemingqi: ...

Me: I'm going to hang up now.

2 comments:

troy said...

I'm not calling shenanigans or anything, but let's just say I'm extremely curious how you pronounced "Yuemingqi" when you called them.

mkenny59 said...

"When a 'q' follows a 'g,' you make a fart sound, you see?" That's a pretty basic grammar rule/rhyme.