Friday, December 12, 2014

Spam email of the week

Subject: VL: China Juparana surface and size

Guys, Connie is back. CONNIE IS BACK.

Granite, Marble, Slate, Limestone, Artificial Stone, I'm willing for you!

And she's still kind of slutty. #slabslutty

Nice day to you dear friend,



I just want to mention that, in the email, the little photo there rotates around like a gif. I couldn't figure out to post it here like that because, apparently, Connie is better at that stuff than me. Connie is the best.

Not updating our production photos to you for a long time, due to the G603 promotion in September continued a whole month.

If anyone out there has actually followed these weird exchanges with Connie and her company (which used to be called Wuhan but is now called Xiamen Vinstone because of course), you're aware the emails always begin by acknowledging the problems encountered during their previous slab release and how everything is cool now. And here we are again. The G603 promo took a whole month? I'm no marketing major, but a G603 promotion should never exceed two weeks. Everyone in the #slabbiz knows that. Honestly, Connie - at this point you need a new slab manager.

And today I'd like to introduce our China Juparana to you,

Of course you would. China Juparana. I feel racist just repeating it.

this material is also very popular among many countries,

Seems vague. Can I have one of the country's phone numbers to call and confirm satisfaction?

due to it's special veins and not so expensive price.

I sort of wish I could unread that sentence. Special veins?

No matter for tombstone or contrustion material, it is a good choice.

Connie, are you trying to sell me slabs for tombstones by informing me they have special veins and aren't THAT expensive? I probably should have asked you this three emails ago, but what kind of work do you think I do? Because I am the head purchaser at an affluent but fiscally responsible company called Unique Tombstones For When You Die, LLC, and I would like to place an order.

Well, photos speak louder than any words,

Preach.

then kindly invite you check latest products of China Juparana.

Let's.



LOOK AT THOSE VEINS


HERE LIES BILL, 1943-2014
HE LOVED SWIRLY VEINS



IF THE G603 PROMO DIDN'T TAKE SO LONG, THESE CHINA JUPARANAS WOULDN'T BE STACKING UP, SON.

WE GOTTA MOVE THESE CHINA JUPARANAS.

Well, above are just some small basic information of China Juparana, and photos are also a small corner of the products we exported,

Here is a list of common sayings about pictures:

  • a picture is worth a thousand words
  • photos speak louder than any words
  • take a picture - it'll last longer
  • photos are also a small corner of the products we exported

so, if you are interested in them or are planning purchasing, please kindly let me know, much glad to check our latest price for you to refer to and compare.

(pounds chest twice, kisses hand and gives peace sign) Much glad to you, too, girl.

Is that ok?

No.

1 comment:

troy said...

Not for nothin, but that's some good-looking granite/whatev.