Thursday, February 14, 2013

Spam email of the week

Subject: Urgent Respond,

No. 1: "Respond" doesn't require a capital letter.
No. 2: No need for a comma there. The presence of a comma in this instance may not appear like much, but as someone who writes for living I can assure you the comma is insane. This email is from a crazy person.
No. 3: "Respond" should be "response."
No. 4: Even if the above items were remedied, the subject header "Urgent response" makes zero sense. Is this email an urgent response or does this email require an urgent response from me? If the former - I never sent you an email so you are a sneaky jerkface liar. If the latter - chill the freak out, jerkface. Don't be telling me that something is urgently required of me before I have even read the email. I have enough stress in my life, okay?

Hello
Am Mr Perry Johnson
.

No. 1: "Hello" could have used a comma. Your misuse of commas is rampant and disturbing.
No. 2: "Am Mr Perry Johnson" could have used an "I" in front of it, source: the English language.
No. 3: "Mr" could have used a period.
No. 4: It is not necessary to preface a period ending a sentence with a space. A lot of people get that confused, and by "a lot of people" I mean absolutely no one with any trace of normalcy in their bodies.
No. 5: "Perry Johnson" is totally a fake name. It sounds like a character from an old sitcom. Did you hear Burt Sims died? Yeah, he played Perry Johnson on "Matlock."
No. 6: You are NOT Perry Johnson. You are an evil robot with no background in grammar or punctuation.
No. 7: Regardless, I am listening. What can I do for you, Perry?

I would like to place an order of ( Fire Hose )from your company to Haiti,

Oh, that's it? Just a fire hose? No problem. Let me grab one from the back room here - we have plenty of fire hoses here where I work, obviously, which is a community weekly newspaper. There is actually a funny saying around here that goes, "We publish almost as many newspapers here as we do fire hoses!" which causes us to chuckle in a good-natured manner. THAT is how many fire hoses we have here. A lot. How many fire hoses do you need sent to Haiti? Five? Fifty? One hundred? I can accommodate any amount. Part of the reason I got into this business of newspapers in the first place was to be able to play some small role in putting out literal fires in the country of Haiti, which is always catching on fire.

Also - and I hate to keep harping on the grammar here - but it would behoove you to not put the most important noun in your request in parenthesis. It shouldn't read, "I urgently need to place an order of (whatever, doesn't really matter, you can think about this part later, at your convenience) to ship to Haiti, which is on fire RIGHT NOW."

kindly email me with the types you have and their prices and also ,your term of payment.Waiting for your prompt responses.

I am going to ignore the grammar here because this email has already received a failing grade, but allow me issue prompt responses now. The kinds of fire hoses we have here are the kind that squirt water out of them and they are red, maybe? I have to check. They cost $800 each plus shipping to Haiti is a million dollars. Our payment terms are that you pay for them with real money and not fake, robot money. Oh wait, hold up - we don't have any fire hoses here. My bad, Haiti. I'll be happy to comp you a subscription however. FYI our newspapers are flammable.

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