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Note: This column appears in the 11/1 issue of the Glendale Star, and the 11/2 issue of the Peoria Times This Sunday marks the beginning of the second half of the season for the Arizona Cardinals. If I were asked to sum up the first half of the season, I would probably say, “Ehhh,” and then shrug my shoulders. The first seven games have provided a constant mix of good news and bad news for this team. Everything seems to be evening out -- the Cardinals are suddenly Jerry Seinfeld. In fact, let’s recap, shall we? Bad news : Matt Leinart is playing like crap. Good news : Here comes Kurt Warner! - - - - - - - - - - - Bad news : Here comes a quarterback controversy. Good news : Leinart got hurt! Controversy over. - - - - - - - - - - - Bad news : Warner is hurt. Good news : Wait, no he’s not! - - - - - - - - - - - Bad news : We are 3-4, under .500. Good news : Three of those four losses are by a combined eight points, and the 15-point loss to Carolina came with Tim Rattay at quarterback. Thi...

Dennis Awtrey, 1973-74 something With the start of the NBA season just around the corner, I figured now would be as good a time as any to take a look back, and acknowledge how the NBA has changed. Not much, I say! In fact, on almost any day of the week, you can spot current Chicago Bull Ben Gordon , happily dribbling a basketball in the carpeted hallway of United Airlines Arena, or, at his old high school, on career day. Why? Because what the hell else are you going to do when you’re dressed in full uniform, standing in a carpeted hallway, and someone hands you a basketball? Frown at it? Not likely. Sure, maybe Ben Gordon doesn’t wear his underwear as an actual uniform, and maybe he doesn’t rock the curly white-afro mullet combination. And yeah, he probably wouldn’t be caught dead looking like this under any possible circumstances. In fact, maybe Ben Gordon is bad example. But still, not much has changed! Seriously! As for Dennis Awtrey, if that name rings a bell, then you must be Denn...

Note: This column appears in the 10/25 issue of the Glendale Star, and the 10/26 issue of the Peoria Times I’m not going to lie -- I am not a big hockey fan. In fact, at the Coyotes game this past Saturday night, I went to get a beer with my friend Rashad at one point during the first period. When we tried to go back to our seats, there was a cluster of people waiting to do the same. Of course, I tried to push my way through the crowd with a bunch of “excuse mes” while Rashad waited behind me, pretending like he didn’t know me. Yep, I didn’t realize you had to wait for the whistle to go back to your seat. You know you’re not a hockey fan when one of the three black guys in the arena is telling you how to act. So yeah, I don’t know much about hockey. But ya’ know what? If I’m going to have the type of time I had this past Saturday night, then there may be hope for me yet. At the risk of having this come across as some type of corny, “Hey Glendale -- if you haven’t been to Jobing.com Are...

Mike Lynn, 1991 Pro Set This is probably my best card featuring the President and CEO of a defunct league. It is also, amazingly, the worst. Nevertheless, Mike Lynn was, as you can see, the President and CEO of the World League. “What the hell is the World League?” you may be asking yourself. Excellent question! The World League provided an alternative for the millions and trillions of people throughout the world who were sick and tired of the NFL. Around 1991, the general consensus was, “Yeah, the NFL is okaaaay, I guess. But what about some freakin’ helmet cams! And I don’t know about you, but I’d like to see some shorter kick-off tees! And let’s get some Asians involved in all of this, ya’ know?” This is where the World League stepped in, headed by Mike Lynn, who left his post as director of cruise ship operations for the Minnesota Vikings in order to do so. The World League consisted of 10 teams, including the New York / New Jersey Knights (rolls right off the tongue!), the Tallaha...

Note: This column appears in the 10/18 issue of the Glendale Star, and the 10/19 issue of the Peoria Times The Arizona Cardinals travel to Washington this week to face a surprising Washington Redskins team. The surprise is that they’re decent, though the same could be said of the Cards. Anyhoo, in leu of stringing together moderately coherent sentences, I’ve instead decided to do a “Tale of the Tape” featuring random words and choppy phrases that make no sense to anyone who is unfamiliar with either team. This is where my lack of a journalism degree really comes in handy! Hi mom! Arizona Cardinals (3-3) versus Washington Redskins (3-2) Nickname : (Cardinals) Inappropriate, needs to be changed Protector of the desert Nickname : (Redskins) Offensive, needs to be changed Redskins: Taught the Pilgrims how to play trombone Advantage : Arizona Cardinals Scorpions Head Coach : (Cardinals) ...

Steve Balboni, 1990 Bowman For the seventh consecutive season, the New York Yankees are not going to win the World Series. Joe Torre’s reign as manager may be over, most of the fan favorites of the late 90’s teams have since retired, and many of the remaining veterans are at a crossroads. Also, A-Rod and blah, blah, blah. I spent most of the past week or so feeling down and out about the Yanks, and wondering what the future holds. Then, while flipping through some old cards and trying to come up with a winner for “Classic Card,” I stumbled upon this. Sometimes in life, a little perspective is all you really need. Here I am feeling sorry for myself about the current state of affairs for the Yankees, and it occurred to me that I had forgotten where I came from (New Jersey). For in the vast realm of history, it wasn’t too long ago that this guy was providing the bomb for the Bronx Bombers. Yikes. I, along with many other like-minded kids of my age, I think, used to call Balboni “Steve Bal...

Bryan Clutterbuck, 1989 Topps When Bryan Clutterbuck first met his Brewers’ teammate Robin Yount, he introduced himself by saying, “Hi! I’m Bryan Clutterbuck. That’s Bryan with a ‘y,’ and Clutterbuck with a ‘Clutterbuck.’” That happened in 1986, during Clutterbuck’s first stint with Milwaukee, where he immediately became a household name, except not really. He would rejoin the club in 1989, which is when his career really took off, and by “took off,” I mean came to a halt. States the back of the card: He earned his 1st major league Win: 4-25-89. He earned his 2nd major league Win: 5-25-89. One could easily assume – because this is Bryan Clutterbuck we’re talking about here – that he simply chose to space out his victories in perfect month-long intervals, giving him six wins every season (which is, amazingly, exactly what a 44-year old Roger Clemens is worth!). But alas, Bryan Clutterbuck would never see the big leagues again after that elusive second win, a result of him tearing his gr...

Note: This column appears in the 10/11 issue of the Glendale Star, and the 10/12 issue of the Peoria Times This past Sunday the Cardinals were the early game against the St. Louis Rams, and I decided to take notes on everything that occurred. Here’s what transpired… 9:52 AM : Okay, I’m at my friend Rashad’s house, who has Direct TV’s Sunday NFL Ticket. Of course, he set up a second TV so I could watch the Cardinals, because he didn’t want to waste his HD on a game featuring Gus Frerotte and Kurt Warner. Can’t really blame him. 10:01 : The game hasn’t started yet, and Rams’ coach Scott Linehan is cursing on the sidelines. Good sign for the Cardinals. 10:02 : Matt Leinart calls a play, throws an interception, claims he was misquoted. 10:08 : Rams’ go up 3-0. Frerotte gets so pumped he bangs his head into the wall . 10:19 : The camera pans to a shot of Matt Leinart’s hip, which looks like a plate of eggplant parm. I didn’t know you could get an STD on your hip! 10:24 : My fantasy kicker,...

To Chien Ming Wang : Maybe you need a new pitch. Dick. To Derek Jeter : You’re officially on notice. To Roger Clemens : Go away. To Andy Pettitte : Whatever. To Jorge Posada : A hit would have been nice. But hey, you call a great game. To Joe Torre : Thanks for staying awake. To Johnny Damon : That thing down the first base line is called “first base.” You should go there sometime. To Mike Mussina : Thanks for sucking so bad this season that the team had to ask a cigarette-smoking sinker-baller to pitch on three days rest. To Alex Rodriguez : I don’t care what you do. To Jason Giambi : You still here? To John Sterling : Don’t worry, it was the bugs’ fault. Joe, wake up! You're fired.

Greg Screpenak, 1992 Collector’s Edge Greg Screpenak played rookie guard for the Los Angeles Raiders in 1992. Because the Raiders were the only team in the NFL to define their offensive line by seniority and not positional placement, Screpenak was ineligible to play the position the following year, or for the rest of his life. Nevertheless, Screpenak was also the first player in modern football history to have the left arm of an African American man, the face of a young Tony Siragusa, and the IQ of an oriental rug, paving the way for others of his ilk. According to the back of the card, “ the L.A. coaching staff is impressed with his use of his size and long arms to overwhelm defenders .” So there was that, also. Oh, and Greg Screpenak’s name was not Greg Screpenak, a little-known fact I discovered while Googling Greg Screpenak. To this, Google replied, “Do you mean ‘Greg Skrepenak?’” And I was all like, “Shit, I don’t know what I mean anymore when it comes to Greg Screpenak!” Frustrat...

Note: This column appears in the 10/4 issue of the Glendale Star, and 10/5 issue of the Peoria Times If someone were to say to me, “Hey Mike, what have you learned since you moved to Arizona?” I would first tell them that I didn’t come here to learn -- I came here to get a better tan. Then I would explain that I’ve learned two main things since arriving in Arizona. First and foremost I’ve learned that -- and I hope this doesn’t come across as a vast generalization -- everyone in this state drives like an absolute maniac. I’ve honestly never experienced anything like this in my life. It’s comical to me that the NY/NJ area gets a bad rep for their drivers, when the locals here would make a New York City cab driver fear for his life. Everybody here drives 50 miles over the speed limit and tailgates like a mo' fo', which is made even more intimidating when you consider that 99% of the vehicles on the road here are pick-up trucks with tires the size of Ferris wheels. I’m not even en...

Tommy Vardell, A1 Masters of the Grill series When “Touchdown Tommy” Vardell was not not scoring touchdowns, he loved to grab several different varieties of A1 steak sauce, and cook himself up some savory stuffed turkey burgers. One time, while grilling up some savory stuffed turkey burgers, Vardell became so intoxicated by the emanating aroma of A1 Steak Sauce, that he went in close for a sniff, and the flames singed the middle of his unibrow, causing him to miss eight games. On his off-days, Tommy Vardell played fullback for the A1 Steak Sauce Team, which consisted of him and Howie Long . Vardell and Long would travel the globe, challenging the teams representing other brands of steak sauce to do-or-die, two-on-two football games without pads. During a particularly heated game in 1992 against the CEO of ShopRite -- whose generic steak sauce had outsold A1 that November -- and his son-in-law, Tommy Vardell “accidentally” decapitated the CEO with a fierce stiff-arm. That improved the A...

Ruben Rivera, 1997 Fleer Back of the card, start things off: Ruben has been called the next Mickey Mantle, and while that may be a stretch, he is still quite the talent. A stretch? What the hell are you talking about, back of the card? The similarities between Mickey Mantle and Ruben Rivera were endless -- eerie , even -- and thus, impossible to ignore. For example, Mantle was a switch-hitter and Rivera was a right-handed hitter, so they both were familiar with batting right-handed. And that’s not all! Mickey Mantle hit 536 career home runs, while Rivera, at the time of this card, had two home runs through his first 89 at-bats, putting him exactly on pace to reach Mantle’s mark by the year 3011, which was Mantle’s favorite number. Furthermore, both were born on earth – Mantle from Oklahoma, U.S.A., Rivera from Panama. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Oh, and both played outfield for the New York Yankees, with comparable degrees of success. But back of the card, tell us more: Rivera combi...

Note: This column appears in the 9/27 issue of the Glendale Star, and the 9/28 issue of the Peoria Times During the halftime show of the Cardinals game this past Sunday, Terry Bradshaw -- always the beacon of intelligence -- said he disagreed with Ken Whisenhunt’s decision to bench Matt Leinart for a drive during the second quarter of the game in favor of Brenda Warner’s husband. Now, it’s not often that I disagree with Bradshaw -- except, of course, for when’s he’s talking -- but in this case, I couldn’t have sided more strongly with Wisenhunt. Of course, at the time, I had assumed that Whisenhunt had replaced Leinart for the purpose of lighting a fire under the young QB, who had, up until that point, looked skittish, unsure of himself, generally awful, and, in baseball terms, Farnsworth-y. Granted, Leinart was on the road, facing arguably the NFL’s toughest defense in the Ravens. But hey, these are the games where a young QB has to step up, and I was impressed that Whisenhunt showed ...

Oscar Gamble, 1976 Topps In 1975, the New York Yankees took a gamble by acquiring Oscar Gamble. This move was a gamble not because Oscar Gamble was a) coming off a serious ACL injury, b) had once threatened to murder the Three Stooges, c) was not good at baseball, or even because he d) once lost $18,000 betting on the 1974 National Skeet Tournament. The move was largely described as a gamble because Oscar Gamble’s last name really was gamble, and thus, seemed to fit the criteria for local tabloid headlines. In reality however, the acquisition of Oscar Gamble posed virtually no inherent risk to the organization, and was actually made with the intention of improving the franchise’s overall image to more accurately reflect the times. During said “times,” many of the players took bong hits before batting practice, and opted to wear those little helmets that ice cream come in on top of their heads for laughs. Conflicted with his teams’ updated persona, new Yankees’ owner George Steinbrenner...

Note: This column appears in the 9/20 issue of the Glendale Star, and the 9/21 issue of the Peoria Times Color me impressed. On what was shaping up to be a fairly standard weekend -- Giants are a mess, can’t get stupid “This is our country” song out of my head, the Cardinals are about to blow a game, O.J. arrested -- the Cards went and flipped the whole thing around on me. In fact, I was literally in the process of writing my “Cards are 0-2; Now what?” column while Josh Brown was putting the Seahawks ahead by three in the fourth quarter. Now you can look for that column on EBay right next to the surplus of “Patriots, 2006 AFC Champs” t-shirts. So yet again, I’m an idiot. However, I will say this: One of the major themes of this prematurely written column was the fact that the Arizona Cardinals were not going to make any strides until they won a game that nobody expected them to win. Guess what? I didn’t expect the Cards to win. And if I’m not nobody, then nobody is. In fact, just for t...

Scott Karl, 1999 Upper Deck Me : Hey Scott Karl, can you sign my Scott Karl card featuring Scott Karl signing a Scott Karl card? Scott Karl : What? You trying to be funny or something buddy? Cause I’ll kick your f*&^%$ ass. Me : Whoa, slow down Scott Karl! Nobody’s trying to be funny here. I’m just looking for an autograph from one of my all-time favorite players. Scott Karl : Oh yeah? Well, what do you know about Scott Karl? Let’s see how big of a fan you really are… Me : Okay, well…I know you like pointy Oakley sunglasses. Scott Karl : True, true. Go on. Me : Okay, I know that you pitched -- and won! -- the first game the Brewers played as a National League team since 1965, a 6-4 victory over the powerhouse Expos on Opening Day in 1998. Scott Karl : Ya’ heard! Tell me more. Me : I know that on that day, you “scattered seven hits over 6.1 innings,” which is a lot of scattering. Scott Karl : I like to scatter, yes. How did you know? Me : I know that if having an ERA in the 4’s is w...

Note: This column appears in the 9/13 issue of the Glendale Star, and 9/14 issue of the Peoria Times By the time you read this, the Arizona Cardinals will have won or lost their season-opening game against the 49ers. Because my deadline is Monday, I cannot expound upon that result. Instead I’ve decided to stick to my lifelong journalistic rule: If your deadline prevents you from writing about the team you halfheartedly cover, do the next best thing -- write about Monster Trucks. This past Saturday night, the University of Phoenix Stadium hosted the Monster Truck Thunder Drags event. My wife -- Monster Truck enthusiast that she is -- decided to come with me. Also, I am joking about her being a Monster Truck enthusiast. Neither of us had ever attended such an affair. I’m not saying that New Jersey didn’t have Monster Trucks, but if they did, nobody ever told us. I feel like I should begin the recap of our experience appropriately. Ahem…Saturday, Saturday , SATURDAY night we attended our ...

Brad Fullmer, 1998 Upper Deck Many people were skeptical when the brain trust over at Upper Deck said, “Hey, ya’ know what? We should combine our ‘Retro’ series with our ‘Futurama’ series! It’ll be fantastic, and make perfect sense!” On the surface, it seemed as though the combination of these two time periods would cause chaos, and possibly death. But when the public was treated to this breathtaking photo of a black-and-white Brad Fullmer taking a hack inside of some kind of linear time capsule, well, score one for Upper Deck! I mean, they nailed it. By combining the allure of the past with the potential of the future, Upper Deck created a card that looked exactly like one from the 1940’s , and also forewarned the national public of the impending dominance of both Brad Fullmer and the Montreal Expos in general. In essence, this card screams, “Hey, remember the old days? Weren’t they awesome?! And how about Brad Fullmer and those Montreal Expos? I say both are World Series champions by...

Dotty Kamenshek, 1993 Ted Williams Collection My Dotty Kamenshek card is probably my best 1940’s style female baseball card. Again, probably. Now, you may be saying to yourself, “Dotty Kamenshek? Who the hell is that? I mean, I’ve heard of Kammie Kamenshek…are they related?” Excellent question. Turns out, Dotty Kamenshek actually is Kammie Kamenshek. Allow me to explain. Just because she had ovaries did not make Dorothy Kamenshek immune to the innovative brand of professional baseball nicknames, which simply involved adding an “eee” sound to the end of someone’s first name, or as some kind of variance of their last name. For example, Jorge Posada is often referred to as “Jorgie” (“Georgie” for Caucasians), Tim Hudson is “Huddy,” Jeff Francoeur is “Frenchy,” Curt Schilling is “Douchey,” and – to bring it back around to where I started – Dotty Kamenshek, obviously, is Kammie. In another lifetime – one in which professional female baseball had taken over the sports landscape as it has in ...