Spam email of the week
Subject: Do you poop less 3x per day? (you?re dying a slow death -URGENT)
Pretty liberal with the use of the “URGENT” tag there. What are you going to do when you have to warn our nation’s poopers who are susceptible to a quick death?
And to answer your question: Like any red-blooded American male, I could go four days without pooping at all, and have days where I poop 17 times before lunch. Should I average this out?
By eating this one weird food, can you really REVERSE & RESTORE your internal digestive system that may be stewing in rotting feces & disease, slowly killing you?
Stop—you had me at stewing in rotting feces. Also, are you asking me? Because I don’t know. I just got here. I thought you were going to tell me.
This really works: It’s the #1 most important discovery in the last 25 years!
Didn’t NASA just discover seven Earth-like planets? Did that push “one weird food” down the list at all? No? OK. “It’s the #1 most important discovery in the last 25 years!” sounds like a Trump tweet after he realized Obama was tapping his phones. So obviously this is legit.
This frightening new report show how this toxic mess, AKA “The Silent Killer”, stored for years inside your colon, leaks out & poisons your cells and other organs!
- What frightening report? You haven’t linked to anything, and I don’t see a bibliography. I want to read the frightening report.
- “The Silent Killer” is also how we good folks describe the farts that result from the very conditions you outline. Are you saying we’ll have to give up silent farts? I’m not sure we’re willing to make that sacrifice.
- All of these typos are theirs, FYI.
Yes, please tell me the facts.
research shows that a simple 7-second trick added to your morning routine can literally REVERSE & ELIMINATE this “Silent Killer” F-A-S-T!
Yes, literally. Not in the figurative or metaphoric sense, like when we say “REVERSE & ELIMINATE this ‘Silent Killer’ F-A-S-T!” and we are referring to our least favorite baseball player from our favorite baseball team grounding into a double play. Also, few terms bolster the notion of “research” better than “weird” and “trick.”
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“To unsubscribe from receiving additional ominous warnings about your pooping habits, click here.”
I didn’t click. Just in case.