Thursday, March 16, 2017

Spam email of the week

Subject: Do you poop less 3x per day? (you?re dying a slow death -URGENT)

Pretty liberal with the use of the “URGENT” tag there. What are you going to do when you have to warn our nation’s poopers who are susceptible to a quick death?

And to answer your question: Like any red-blooded American male, I could go four days without pooping at all, and have days where I poop 17 times before lunch. Should I average this out?

Click HERE

Nope.

By eating this one weird food, can you really REVERSE & RESTORE your internal digestive system that may be stewing in rotting feces & disease, slowly killing you?

Stop—you had me at stewing in rotting feces. Also, are you asking me? Because I don’t know. I just got here. I thought you were going to tell me.

This really works: It’s the #1 most important discovery in the last 25 years!

Didn’t NASA just discover seven Earth-like planets? Did that push “one weird food” down the list at all? No? OK. “It’s the #1 most important discovery in the last 25 years!” sounds like a Trump tweet after he realized Obama was tapping his phones. So obviously this is legit.

This frightening new report show how this toxic mess, AKA “The Silent Killer”, stored for years inside your colon, leaks out & poisons your cells and other organs!
  1. What frightening report? You haven’t linked to anything, and I don’t see a bibliography. I want to read the frightening report.
  2. “The Silent Killer” is also how we good folks describe the farts that result from the very conditions you outline. Are you saying we’ll have to give up silent farts? I’m not sure we’re willing to make that sacrifice.
  3. All of these typos are theirs, FYI.
Fact is,

Yes, please tell me the facts.

research shows that a simple 7-second trick added to your morning routine can literally REVERSE & ELIMINATE this “Silent Killer” F-A-S-T!

Yes, literally. Not in the figurative or metaphoric sense, like when we say “REVERSE & ELIMINATE this ‘Silent Killer’ F-A-S-T!” and we are referring to our least favorite baseball player from our favorite baseball team grounding into a double play. Also, few terms bolster the notion of “research” better than “weird” and “trick.”

To unsubscribe, click here.

“To unsubscribe from receiving additional ominous warnings about your pooping habits, click here.”

I didn’t click. Just in case.

4 comments:

troy said...

Wait; so we're supposed to be pooping three times a day or more? I'm not clicking either.

mkenny59 said...

I think exactly three times. Anything less or more and boom- done. Then again, I didn't click.

KO Rob said...

I like that they're keeping it non-scientific by saying "pooping". Don't want to be going over anyone's head with a term like defecating. I requested my doctor simply ask how often I've been making "boom boom", otherwise we just spend the whole appointment blushing and stammering.

mkenny59 said...

"Boom boom" is wildly underrated as a poop reference. I am going to make a concerted effort to use it more. Thank you!