Spam email of the week

CONFIDENCIAL MESSAGE FROM FEDERAL RESERVE BANK…

Email is the best means to receive confidential correspondence from the Federal Reserve, and spelling “confidential” incorrectly is a clever way to shake imposters off our trail. This all checks out.

(I realize such sarcasm played better during former administrations. It’s more likely than ever that I would actually receive a misspelled email directly from the fed. At least this one isn’t titled “Re: Does Frank have the nuklear codes?”)

Sir. Sylvester Carlos "federalrsb."@sage.ocn.ne.jp

If my name were Sir Sylvester Carlos, I would definitely want that to be part of my email handle. SirSly@Carlos.fed or something. That said, I imagine the opportunity to have the very first email address with quotation marks was too big to pass up.

Also, Sylvester—“Sir” is not an abbreviation and doesn’t require a period. I don’t hold this against you; you’re a knight, not an English teacher.

Dear Respected Customer,

You know me well. I used to be the Respect Director, after all.

My Name Is Mr. Sylvester Carlos,

Mister? What gives?

And I Am Reaching Out To You Regarding A Recent Consolidation Of Your Bank Funds. Your Compensation Files From Four World Banks Were Compiled Earlier This Month And Submitted To Me For Review, Your Accrued A Trust Sum Of $15,500,000.00 Usd.

OK yes, that sounds like my bank funds.

Why is this entire email written like the title of novel?

We Attempted To Contact You Multiple Times, And Hope This Gets To You.

“In this coming-of-age debut, We Attempted to Contact You Multiple Times: Hope This Gets to You, author Sir Sylvester Carlos presents a series of letters to a love unrequited, a collection that is both deeply tragic and mystifyingly bizarre.” New York Times

Anyway, now that you mention it, I do recall receiving several phone calls that began, “Hello, I’m looking for Respected Customer,” but I hung up because it seemed like a spam call for some reason. My bad.

Because You Had Not Claimed Your Trust Before The International Fund Transfer Changes In  2016, Your Account Was Compiled And Locked As A Non-Deductible Escrow Account At The Federal Reserve Bank. This Account Is In Your Name, And Requires Accreditation Before We Can Release The $15,500,000.00 Trust.

Silly me—I forgot to claim my $15 million trust again! Thank you for this email heads up, preesh.

In Order To Speed Up The Process,

The one thing this process is lacking—other than clarity, legitimacy, and any basis in reality—is speed.

I Have Conducted A Thorough Verification Process To Confirm That You Are The Individual Attached To This Account. I Have Also Confirmed That You Have Fulfilled All The Necessary Obligations And Have A Proper Credit Rating To Enable The Release Of Your Payment Into A Personal Account Of Your Choice.

The end result of this thorough verification process is an email that begins, "Dear Respected Customer." Also, my buddy at Equifax told me that one thing which is def helping my credit score is my account that has FIFTEEN MILLION DOLLARS.

The Trust Fund Has Been Authorized For Release By The Federal Reserve Bank, Which Has Your Registered Consolidated Account. You Are Approaching A  Three Year Non-Response, And Your Fund Will Be Released Back To The Four Banks If You Do Not Contact Our Office Within The Next Four Weeks.

This seems like the way things work. In a way, I feel like the four banks probably deserve the money more than I do, a reward for their patience having dealt with my non-response for three years and all. SORRY, BANKS.

The Federal Reserve Bank Utilizes A Secured Macro Transfer System,

Oh ya’ll use Macro? That’s dope. My last Four World Banks Consolidated Trust Fund used the Transfer-O-3000 System which, as I’m writing it out, seems kind of risky.

And Your Funds Can Be Transferred In 2-5 Days If You Reply To This Authorized Email With The Following Information. The More Information You Provide, The Quicker The Approval Process Will Be Completed.

This is an interesting note considering a) all of the below information is marked required, and b) this once again indicates that the quickness of the transaction transcends the transaction itself, which would normally leave me skeptical, although Sir/Mr. Sylvester Carlos has earned my trust with his thorough verification.

First Name*:
Last Name*:
Residential Address*:
City*:
State*:
Country*:
Occupation*:
Email Address*:
Phone Number*:
Gender*:
Birthday*:
Marital Status*:

DEAR BANKS, IN ORDER TO TRANSFER MY $15 MILLION I UNDERSTAND YOU NEED TO KNOW MY GENDER. I AM A DUDE. THANK YOU.

LOVE, RESPECTED CUSTOMER

If You Prefer To Receive Your Funds On A Pre-Loaded Visa Card,

Yes, please put my $15 mill on a gd Visa card. And “pre-loaded” is definitely a term human beings use to describe bank cards.

We Could Ship Your Card To Your Address. Please Note That Cards Have A Daily Withdrawal Limit Of  $10,000 Usd. We Can Also Write You A Draft Check, Which Can Be Deposited In Any Bank.

I would like to test that theory by taking my $15 million check signed off by Sir Sylvester Carlos to any bank.

I Anticipate Your Timely Response Before The Account Deactivates.

This feels like Mission Impossible, the one where I am Tom Cruise and you are Sylvester Carlos, so … the fourth one? Either way, I AM AMPED.

Thank You,

Sir. Sylvester Carlos
President And Chief Executive Officer
Federal Reserve Bank Of North Carolina
Phone;+1(910) 430-5611

Well, Sylvester Carlos is a sir again, so that’s a relief. The “Federal Reserve Bank of North Carolina” is less reassuring, however.

Note: According To Our Agreement With The Assigned Legal Solicitor From The Imf And Un, All Our Communications Should Be On E-Mail, Or Sms +1(910) 430-5611 For Record Purpose.

This adequately addresses my earlier concerns about this notice being sent via email. I have zero questions.