Spam email of the week

Subject: urgent reply

Like I don’t have enough stress in my life.

I hereby send to you the information submitted by Mr.JOHNSON MARK U.S.A of Florida group Ltd, with an application to receive your payment on your behalf.

The only thing I trust less than someone named Mr.JOHNSON MARK is Florida.

Please as a matter of urgency, you are required to verify the following information and inform us if you are aware or know anything about this. on MONDAY

I’m sorry, what day was it?

on MONDAY

Come again?

on MONDAY

OK.

Mr. JOHNSON MARK came to the office claiming that you  have instructed him to come and receive the payment on your behalf with some representatives.

I did no such thing, and suffice it to say I am livid at Mr. JOHNSON MARK. Did the “representatives” with him happen to be middle-aged men wearing St. Joseph’s High School varsity bowling jackets and claiming I “owed them?” Doesn’t matter. Please tell me you told them to come back later and, if so, on what day?

I have ask them to come back MONDAY

Tuesday?

I have ask them to come back MONDAY

Oh, OK. The force with which you mention days of the week is enough to divert from the fact we are talking about days of the week in lieu of actual dates and I have no context for anything.

as they did not provide any power of an attorney from you which will proof that you truly send them.

Your grasp of my attention is equal to your grasp of nouns and verbs and past and present tense. Speaking of tense, I am tense. ABOUT THIS.

This was to enable me contact you to verify how genuine this people are to you.

1. Did you instruct one Mr. JOHNSON MARK of USA Florida group Ltd. whose information is below, to claim and receive the payment on your behalf?

(Raising left hand, right hand on copy of The Berenstain Bears and the Truth, not wearing pants) I did NOT.

2. Did you sign any 'Deed of agreement' in his favor thereby making him the current beneficiary

OK that I DID do. Is that going to be a problem?

Finally, you are hereby advised to indicate to this honorable office with immediate effect, if you are the person that instructed Mr. Johnson Mark to come for the claim of your fund

This is like the 17^th time during the course of this email that you’ve asked me to do just that, yet here you’re requesting it as if it’s a new, final step in the process. It’s that minor detail and ONLY that minor detail that has caused me to feel just a smidgeon of skepticism about this email.

worth of $5,000,000.00

Now that I think about it, I was wondering where that $5 million I didn’t know I had went. DANG YOU, MR. JOHNSON MARK! (shakes fist to sky)

Yours Faithfully,

MR. ALLEN JONES

For the Governor

Bank of England

I may live in Arizona and be from New Jersey, but all my enemies are in Florida, which is obviously why I bank in England. And yo - Mr. Allen Jones? You can BANK on seeing me ... (dramatic pause) ... (puts on sunglasses) ... (camera pans to close-up of my face) ... (TOO close, back up camera, dang) ... MONDAY.