Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Great moments in rap history - the worst verses

Group Home was a two-man rap group backed by Gang Starr that consisted of 'Lil Dap, who was OK, and The Nutcracker, who was not a great rapper. Thankfully, their debut album was produced entirely by DJ Premier, so it was pretty dang good. It also includes the worst two rap verses I have heard in my life, courtesy of Nutcracker. Think Nas' verse in "Verbal Intercourse," and then think the opposite, and you have Nutcracker's verses in "Up Against the Wall."

(By the way, this song came out in 1995, so the lack of timeliness here on my part is not lost on me. I have no explanation of from where this came.)

VERSE 1

Yo the world is falling
Death is calling
I don't know


We are literally two lines into his first verse on the song and Nutcracker has already dropped an "I don't know" to keep the flow moving. (The flow is NOT moving, btw. It never moves. Seriously, give it a listen - it is so choppy and awkward, it sounds like a 10-year-old trying to freestyle.)

MCs be brawling

The world will be falling. Death will be calling. I don't know ... uh ... MCs will be brawling or something. - Book of Revelations?

On the mic, when I get hyped
Whenever you want yo whatever you like


(raises hand) I would like you to stop, please. Immediately.

I can't emphasize this enough - these verses are just words that rhyme, and some of them don't rhyme. We're barely into this verse and we've abandon the apocalyptic intro to talk about nonsense. What is this song about? It is about nonsense.

Bite on my style, I like that
Yo here is your feedback, with one smack


So you DON'T like that?

Also, trust me, Nutcracker - nobody is biting your style*, unless you find yourself in a second grade Phonics class, in which case, smack away.


*there is no greater enemy to rap than when a bad rapper makes haphazard claims of other rappers biting his/her style. As if.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

No. That is why I am writing this.

No time to be playing cause these n***** be delaying

Then there WOULD be time for playing, no? (h/t math)

Word yo when I get busy
Here and over there to New York City


If I had the time, I would make a world map of Nutcracker getting busy (sex?) here, there, and in New York City. On the map, Nutcracker will be wearing a red and white-striped sweater and knit cap.

Nevertheless, I'll indulge you - what, Nutcracker, happens when you get busy here and over there to New York City?

One for one, one for all

Oh OK nothing happens. You're just going to misquote "The Three Muskateers." Got it.

I'm on the wall, my back is on the wall

You're on the wall AND your back is on the wall? That is cray. Here is a new rap song I just made up:

Yo, I'm the wall
Also I'm on the wall
I don't know
Wall


VERSE 2

Yo it's a wonderful world, a world of wonder

Redundant







And I guess the world isn't falling anymore? Whew!

I thunder and thunder

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I won't go under

NUTCRACKER'S LIST OF WORDS THAT RHYME WITH WONDER; PLEASE CHECK OFF AFTER USE:

wonder
thunder
thunder
under


END OF LIST

Won't get in the trap, I'm passed all that

Nutcracker, 3 years old: (trapped)

Nutcracker, 12: (still trapped)

Nutcracker, 20: (out of trap, leaves area where trap is indefinitely)

You stupid mother*****

Whoa, Nutcracker, slow your roll, son, dang.

my rhyme is phat

It is not.

Phat as can be on the M-I-C
In the place to be, if you can see


Here Nutcracker tries to take the verse into Sugarhill Gang territory, a nice break from his usual complex, vocabulary-filled flow. If you can see?

You don't know then go ask your momma

Me: Mom, I don't know. Can you tell me?

Mom: About what?

Me: (shrugs shoulders) Nutcracker?

Mom: The ballet?

Me: No, the rapper.

Mom: Oh, honey - he is not a good lyricist.

Eatin' MCs live like Jeffery Dahmer

What you've really murdered here is a simile because "eatin'" is NOT SLANG for defeating an MC in battle. Therefore, I must take you literally, and you should be arrested on felony charges of eating other MCs. You are gross.

One for one, one for all

Let's follow up this claim of cannibalism with a psuedo motivational quote, shall we?

I'm on the wall, I'm on the wall

Only now, as I've reached the conclusion of this verse, do I realize that Nutcracker has been trolling me for the past 19 years. Touché, Nutcracker. Touché
.

6 comments:

troy said...

The Troy Westfield Experience had three rap songs. Here, relevant for reasons that will be immediately apparent, are the lyrics to the first one, written when the artist was 26; it was the first song on the first TWE album (album title: Mr. Desperate Pants):

Never let a punk-ass say 'I'm the Man'
You get in my face and I'll crush you like a beer can
Girlies on my d*ck and sh*t
Then I smack them around 'cause the thing won't fit
That's just how it's gotta be
Sorry-asses all around, it ain't easy to be me
You cross me once, boy, you better leave town
Or we gonna throw down

I never f*ck up a punk unless he deserve it
I give 'em a smile, they so g*ddamn nervous
Then I give 'em til the count of three
And when I open my eyes, all I see is me
'Cause these streets are my streets and you ain't got a hall pass
So now I don't think twice, I'ma smoke yo' ass
I'ma bust you like a plate of glass

This song really happened. It was recorded and everything. Only Holocaust deniers would argue otherwise.

troy said...

Anyway, we can agree that Gang Starr himself was pretty dope, right?

mkenny59 said...

Wow, troy, that rap is very provocative AND angry! I had an equal distaste for punks when I was 26-ish, and may have tried to pen a rap or two myself. Fortunately for me, there is no proof of this, other than me just admitting it right now.

I have a lot of questions about this rap though. A LOT. Almost all of them involve the fourth line. Honest questions, not judgmental ones, as I am suddenly very, very scared to offend you.

troy said...

You would be foolish NOT to have questions about that line.

This best song on this album was undoubtedly "I Hate Kerri Strug." The last line was 'Hang her with her own shoelace.'

mkenny59 said...

So what you're really saying here is that I need that album, which I do.

troy said...

You should check your Junk folder, and you should remember that it was trying to protect you from just such a situation.